goodbye

Goodbye

As we move forward in our lives, it is time to say goodbye to so many things. This blog is one of them. I realize that there is so much healing that needs to happen in my heart. I am going to put my focus on other things. I will still write the things in my heart, but they will be something for me to look back on and see the growth in my life. Thank you for traveling this road with me. Until we meet again!

Hard Truths

"God never asked us to trust people. He has asked us to trust Him"

I came across the quote the other day and it really challenged me. I have always known this fundamental truth, but never have I actually thought about its meaning. Do I trust people too much? Prior to this last trial in my life I would have said no, but being on this side of things I realize that the answer is yes. I trusted in people as if they were able to fulfill my happiness, hope, or really anything. As people, we should strive to be trustworthy. It is the example God has set before us. As individuals, we have to be careful. We cannot place trust on people that should only be placed on The Lord. We are flawed. All of us. We will all fail at some point in life. Someone will also fail you. Maybe multiple people. Trust may be broken and you may be afraid to allow them close again. This is where the reminder comes in. God asks us to trust Him. Did they hurt you? Trust Him. Did they lie to you? Trust Him. Did they damage parts of you that feel as if they cannot be repaired? Trust Him. That was an easy thing to encourage when I was surrounded by comfort and ease. When I believed to know where my life was going and the people I aligned myself with. Now, faced with the truth, my heart wants to hide in its safe cage. The walls that keep people out. The problem? It is contrary to the way God has called us to live. We have been delivered from bondage. He has set the captives free. That includes you and me. You may find that you have to walk down a road you don't understand with someone you don't trust. God reminds us that He is walking with us and He is so deserving of our trust. It may seem dark right now. It is never dark for The Lord! You may be in a place where you don't want to trust anyone. That is where this quote comes in. Trust God. He will take care of those around you. He will provide the strength to keep walking.

The Countdown Begins!

Now that our trip has come and gone, the countdown begins! Soon we will have the ability to make good food. Soon we will hug our doggy. Soon we will see family. As exciting as that is, there are a ton of unknowns to return to. It is easy to wish for time to go slowly. Here, we are protected. Provided for. We have a shelter. Going back brings some fear. While we are not going back to the same life, we are still going back to life. The time here has been like a pause button. When we return, the play button will be pressed. We will go back to living in the "real" world. The problems we left behind will be there waiting. The fears have started to wiggle there way through the joy. I am so glad that our hope is in Jesus. He is my anchor. I am clinging onto that anchor, ready for the waves to come. Funny that I should have fear. The waves that beat me up and tossed me to shore, left for dead, were not successful. Why am I afraid of a storm I already endured? Why is it so hard to believe the promise of a Father who has been so faithful in my life? Today, my prayer is that I would believe Jesus to be who He says He is in MY life. Not for others or hypothetically, but in the insurmountable walls that hide the future from my sight. That His peace would reign in my heart. That I would rest on the knowledge that He who began a good work is faithful to complete it. Tonight, as silence surrounds me, I choose to place my trust in a God who sees the entirety of my life. Who knows me in my secret heart and loves me despite my fear. What comfort we have in all things with Christ at the head of the ship, sailing through the sea of uncharted territories. "He is able, more than able, to accomplish what concerns me today. He is able, more than able, to handle anything that comes my way. He is able, more than able, to do much more than I can ever dream. He is able, more than able, to make me what He wants me to be."

He is Risen!

This Easter, we will be traveling all day on a train back to France. It has been a strange year for our family. We have learned to adjust to a life filled with time and happily accommodated to the slow pace we now take. Yet the holidays are a reminder. The loneliness of celebrating holidays without a church family. The reminder that it will be awhile before things will actually be normal again. That said, this Easter we are no less grateful for the blood that was shed. I am actually more grateful than I have ever been before! Without that blood, my life would be a mess. Without His grace, I would be alone. Without His promise, I would be without hope. We are blessed. In the midst of the pain and sorrow of life, we have a Savior who walked a road so much rougher than mine. He was betrayed so much deeper, beaten so much harder, an ultimately paid the price for my sin and shame. All without a word. He was willing to bear the cost- pay the price. He did it with many mockers. He did it with many accusers. He did not defend His honor. He laid down His rights. He counted the cost. In the end, we were worth it. No matter how much we have failed, He still considers us a worthy investment. What a blessed Redeemer we have. This Jesus- our Savior- Has risen from the dead victoriously so that we too may experience victory! The sweet blood of Jesus that washes over me and purges my sin to make me holy. All because He loves me. He loves you, too. It is that love that draws us into His presence and strengthens us to keep fighting in this life. 

Planning

Planning
I am a planner. I like to make sure everything that can possibly go wrong has been thought through and a plan of action has been initiated. I like to have the ability to know exactly what may come up so there is a plan of combat and we continue on to our destination with minimal upset. So this trip- can I tell you how much I have had to pray? I have analyzed, planned, booked, basically done all but taken it. Yet I am still afraid of missing something. I am so afraid of it, that I have had to talk myself out of situations that don't even exist! I tell myself that it is because I want to make sure we have a great time and a flawless experience, but honestly? I just have a problem. Trust. I need to trust that, at the end of the day, we will arrive where we need to be. It is times like this that remind me how much work God still needs to do in me. I have had to quote Prov. 3:5-6 over and over this last year. I have watched so many things turn around simply by letting go of my own understanding and leaning on Him. Then, I do something with less of a life impact- like a family trip- and it all goes out the window! In comes my understanding, which is actually quite hilarious because I have never even been to any of the countries we are visiting, nor the hotels we are staying. I have not taken their trains, eaten in their establishments, nor visited their monuments. I have only researched it. Why would I have any actual understanding? Often times, it is the little things that bring me back to this reality. I CAN do this on my own. I CAN lean on my own understanding. I CAN gain all the knowledge and information the internet has to offer. Yet, it does not compare to experience. I am finding that in so many areas of my life. I have a choice to plan my own life leaning on my own understanding- which lacks experience. Or, I can lean on the Creator of my life, who knows me even more that I presume to know myself. He has a plan. He has ordained my days. My moments. He knows the road I had to travel and He was there through it all. The things I have gone through are not foreign to Him. He can relate to all of my experiences. He is our helper. He is our stronghold. He is our deliverer. He was before us and He will be after us. Why is it so hard to trust Him? He has never been anything but faithful! He is part of the big things, but He also loves the little things. Things that may not be of life-changing impact (like family trips) matter to Him because they matter to us. Being here in Hungary has been a huge magnifying glass. It reminds me that I may not matter to man, but I matter so much in the eyes of The Lord! Isn't that the most important thing? We are of value to Him. His goal is to lead us to a place where we are fully reliant on Him. A place where we can trust in The Lord with ALL our heart, acknowledging Him in ALL our ways. It is there we can reap the blessing of this promise: He WILL direct our path.

Good Grief!

     Today, my bible reading took me to the book I have managed to avoid since all this began. Job. We all know his story. We all respect him. None of us desire to be him. He was a prosperous man. A man who was loved, cherished, and blessed by God. He was also a man marked by satan. A man who was presumed to honor and serve God because of the love and blessings he had received. Satan was given a free pass at Job- barring death. Fun stuff.
     The reason I have avoided it is because I can relate a little more to this man. Due to the nature of my life, I understand the feelings of loss. Grief. We spend so much time trying to avoid it. (Like I tried to avoid this book) Ultimately, it will find us. In some way, shape, or form. Today, I read Job...
      Something that I found quite interesting is that, long before the gurus and medical world, this book shows us the stages of grief. As I read the first chapter- everything is stripped away. Job's response is that of disbelief- shock even. In that shock, he is reacting and doing the things he knows. Forgiveness is easily given, God is easily trusted. He is in the first stage of grief. Denial. He is not able to see the entirety of his loss. He is not even able to understand the depths of his loss. That leads us to stage two. Anger. He is frustrated and angry at his friends (who may mean well but just say the wrong things), his wife (who just wants his pain to be over, and probably is grieving also), even at God. He is angry, but he does not sin. That takes him into stage three. Bargaining. He begs The Lord to remove the hand of destruction from his life. Stage four? Depression. Job wishes he had died with all that was lost. He wishes that he were never born. That brings him to the last stage. Acceptance. He realizes that God is God, he is not. He cannot change what has happened in his life. He must accept it because they are things "I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know".
      How funny! I know the word of God is alive. I believe it is able to comfort us and has all the tools to live in this world. I cannot begin to express to you how comforting it is when the living word of God becomes alive in your circumstances. I have been avoiding this book because I believed it would put a magnifying glass on my suffering and bring me back to a place I didn't want to go.  I would be like an ant under that glass, the book of Job being the sunlight that burned down on me and would surely consume me. How wrong I was! I am so blessed to see that God has a plan. Even in the midst of our own misgivings and skepticism, His word is powerful and will reach down into the depths of darkness and dispel it with the rays of its light. Like sunbeams on our face, His word brings comfort and joy. It is that life that propels us to keep going.

3 weeks and counting!

The truth of it all is that every day will start and end. The difference is how you fit into it. What a concept. As we plan our EU trip, I am aware of this fact. 17 days- seems like a lot, right? Until you begin to add the content/countries/activities into them. Trying to narrow down what we actually want to experience and what we feel obligated to experience. Final decision? I am not exactly sure. I am so excited to go to Basque Country and see the country my Grandmother once called home. I look forward to gazing up at the ceilings in the Sistine Chapel, walking up the stairs to the top of the Eiffel Tower, riding gondolas, eating sea food, and hiking hills of splendor. I am excited as I book the trains and apartments. I cannot wait to see all the beauty Europe has to offer. This experience is going to be incredible. Sammy will spend his birthday in Paris {yes, he will probably go shopping :)} I am a little bummed that the ferry to Italy doesn't leave on the day we need it to. I am hoping to find a way around that. I am so glad we waited to do this until the end of our time. I needed the distance and change to settle so I can truly enjoy life no matter what my circumstance. The hardest part will be that we are doing it all by train. That means only a small amount of luggage! AHHHH! I pray Leah and I can do it! :) Get ready, because April will be swamped with pictures of gorgeous scenery! I cannot wait to use my camera.
This past thursday we went to Budapest to get some lunch. We tried a gluten free cafe. The woman was so sweet and asked where we were from originally. Once we told her, she asked us to go up to the gallery and sign the guestbook/drop a pin. I walked up to a table with a book and a map with pins. I laughed at how far we have come. I completely thought we were talking digital.
God has really been at work in my life. I have been able to experience the freedom of honesty. It is cathartic to be honest with myself, and to be honest with The Lord. I have had wonderful times of communion with Him in the morning, as well as times where I pour my heart out to Him. It brings such comfort to know that the one I aim to please is just as eager to be with me. I am feeling the weights of many years fall off at His feet. I am watching as He takes them and casts them off, as if they were light as a feather. Things I struggled to carry, ways I tried to endure, all scattered as ashes and drifting away. This reminds me of the verse in Matthew 11."Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." I often think of what that references. "His yoke is easy and His burden is light". Something cool about the word "easy" in Greek is that it means "well-fitting", or "tailor made". The yoke is specific to His people. It fits- well. Many of us women can understand this. We love when something fits just right. That is our promise when we Yoke ourselves to Jesus. The result? Our burden becomes lighter. He is helping us every step of the way. How hard have you fought against that yoke? I know I wrestled with it. Found my way out of it. Tugged at it like a dog on a leash. I realize that He has accepted me as I am, but tailor-made a plan for my life. I simply need to allow Him the freedom of leading the yoke. That is the next season we enter. I am counting the days until we return to the states (well, mainly Coco and yummy food). I will most likely spend less and less time on this blog and more and more time experiencing life. After all- life is for the living. I am ready to go live it!