The Resolution for Women

Women's bible study has always been a thing the Lord uses to grow me. To say it is a stretching time for me is an understatement! I remember the first one I attended. I was just out of high school and definitely not yet a woman! Yet there I found myself, grouped together with women. Many had trouble just getting there, not to mention doing the homework. Here I was, not even 18, acting like I knew it all and beaming with "knowledge" they could apply. Looking back I am horrified to think of how arrogant this must have been. I have always been a student. I love to learn. I love reading and studying. I love remembering and recalling information. Math was my favorite, though not necessarily easy for me. I love it because it takes certain information, grabs the correct formula, applies it, and then moves on. That was me in a nutshell. Either it was applicible and I used it or it was not and I moved on. This was NOT how women's bible study worked. If I was a math-mind, it was an artist! I showed up to apply information that I gleaned, eager to speak and share. They showed up, many going straight from work to study. I often left discouraged because there was no venue for the application of a child in the world of these women. They didn't need my "wisdom", they needed Jesus. I often sat there, quietly observing their plights and chastising myself because I lacked grace for them. It is no surprise that I did not return to women's study for the next book. My perspective was horrible and I knew it, yet I lacked the maturity to pray for God to change me. Timing was that I got married and moved away for a few years. When we moved back, I had a crazy baby and my husband was working endlessly. We had all kinds of thing pulling for our time and attention. Struggles and obstacles were new friends to us. I was 22 and ready to relate to women. When the announcement came to sign up for women's bible study, I gave myself a pep talk and walked up to the table to put my name on the list. I was nervous and excited at the same time. I was finally going to understand where they are coming from! The first group was spent getting aquainted with one another. It was great. I went home and began my homework. Surprise! The same me was still there, but a new pride began to sink in. I was still lacking grace, but this time it was from a pride that felt superior. A dangerous pride. I truly thought I was a better christian because I could juggle all the tasks of life AND manage to do my study. Scary! I finished that study and took a break, using any excuse I could find to get out of them. I lacked key elements in my character to attend them and my pride was so big I couldn't even see it! Life moved forward, I grew and began to attend again; even lead. My motivating factor was always my growth and what I could take from the group. I was often disappointed because I expected something that wasn't realistic. There was an important change in me, though. I loved the ladies and was very sympathetic. God's grace gave me a love for them and began a work that is still being honed today. When we started our first women's study here in Imperial Beach, I was excited and nervous. I was excited because Beth Moore is a favorite of mine and I love the book of Daniel! Both are very meaty and require a lot of focus and "resolve" to complete. It was a tough 12 weeks and a lot of work, but we finished that study. I was incredibly blessed by the ladies and how God used the study to minister to us and bring us together. It was a sweet season which required a ton of commitment. Many didn't make it. They needed something to meet them where they were at. I was thinking they needed a breather from that study, but we moved right into the next one. I was amazed that 40+ people signed up! They loved being together! The book we were given was The Resolution for Women by Priscilla Shirer. I read it through and was not sure about it. Honestly, I didn't have a clue on how to approach this. You see, I can do things that are task- oriented without any problem. I can study, learn, do: basically leave out the emotions. You know, the personal connections that require you to look at yourself honestly. My concerns began to cloud my judgement of this book. I questioned it over and over in my mind, pleading with God to help me see it. How could we go from Beth Moore to this? Wasn't it like trading filet mignon for weenies in a can? You know the one's I am talking about! They are bland, provide no nutrients, need no chewing because they desolve instantly, and are surrounded by a bunch of goo. I pleaded with God to change my perspective and help me to see this through the eyes of the author. I had to get on board fast because I was first up to speak. My topic? Contentment. Oh the irony! I fought and wrestled for 3 weeks to come up with that 20 minute devo. In the end, I delivered something-like an assignment- and was relieved when it was over. When we met in our groups for the first time, I was so excited! I loved the ladies in my group and had been praying for them for the past month. When I sat down to start, I looked around at their faces. They were so eager and open. This study was refreshing for them. My "knowledge-based" mind did not see how much their hearts needed to be comforted. They needed to talk with others and share what they were going through. They needed Godly women to commit to pray for them. The last few weeks God has been stretching me and humbling me. He is taking my heart apart an putting it back together according to His perspective; His standards. He is taking areas laced with pride and removing them. This week we are looking at integrity. As a concept, integrity is no stranger to me. Science, math, even music has engrained it's importance to me. I know why it is important, but it means nothing unless I choose to apply it. As I began to look at myself honestly regarding this subject I was humbled. I was challenged by all of my inadequecies. I was overwhelmed by all of the junk that made up my heart. Areas of doubt that had crept in. Weakness that had been gnawing at the foundation of my being. I spent a lot of time searching my heart and asking God to make it honest. I have been praying constantly that He would make the inside of my heart match the actions and thing I claim to be. He obliged, the knife of His truth cutting away the things that are keeping me from giving Him access. There were moments I felt I would be consumed by the difficulty of this task. I have to constantly remind myself that it is only through Him that this can be achieved. I am so grateful that the Lord is our shepherd, our father, our healer, our defender, our comforter, and our friend. This week I am most thankful that He is our strength and our peace. He sees the depths of our hearts- who we are on the inside- and loves us too much to allow it to remain. His steadfast love has been my anchor. "Blessed be the Lord, for He has wonderously shown His steadfast love to me". (Ps. 31:21) This promise is always true. I often give Him human characteristics and look at His love for me in light of that. I have to remind myself that this is not the case. I cannot ever conceptualize God's love into Human characteristics. I cannot fathom the depths of love that willingly laid down his life for a debt that wasn't His. A love that separated Him from God and defeated sin, just to bring me into His family. I have to look at His word and take His actions into account. I have to trust He is ALWAYS who He says He is. I need to remember He is not me. He is worthy of my complete trust. If I desire to be a person of integrity then I have to remember this. His truth does not change based on my heart. He doesn't look at me in frustration and disgust when I fail. He is not fickle like my emotions. He loves me. This is the kind of love He wants to live in my heart. His truth has the power to change me, giving me His perspective. As I began to find my identity in Him, my heart begins to look at thing as He would: with love. As Easter is approaching and we are reminded of His great sacrifice, remember Him. His sacrifice, His anguish, paled in the grief of losing us. He was willing to be separated from The Father to bridge the gap of our sin and bring us into His family. His steadfast love kept Him true to His word. His love is amazing. Allow that love to wash over your heart and be the structure that holds it together.

It is well with my soul

Wow! It has been such a long time! I have been so busy doing that I haven't had time to write about anything! The Lord has also been very busy! He is doing so much in me daily! I have been so blessed to be called His child! I have been meaning to post  this for awhile now, but it has been pushed aside. This week's women's study was on forgiveness and I realized I needed to post it. This year has been a difficult one. It required me to forgive things I never knew would need to be forgiven. It constantly brought me back to the reminder that He forgave me so much, how can I not freely do the same. It challenged me and sharpened me. But ultimately, it prepared me for the thing I would experience to close the year out. The moment  that would require me to ultimately forgive. I accepted the Lord at a young age and immediately realized that, if my dad didn't change, he was going to hell. I began from that moment to pray for his salvation. Life went forward and I would add that prayer to many others; at night before bed, when it popped into my thoughts, basically often. I remember in high school sitting with him at the kitchen table, listening to his stories of times when he did things he enjoyed, his voice often laced with regret. Often he would talk about how he failed as a father to us, how he could never show us how much he actually loved us. It is funny, but I was never really close to my dad- none of us were- so these times were not too often. But at those times, I realized that he was so full of guilt he couldn't see any way out of it from where he stood. I would share God's love and how Jesus could forgive all sins, only for him to reply,"That is good for you because you haven't done many bad things. I have done too much to be forgiven." He was a vietnam soldier and it really shook him having to do the things they did. He even once said," If God really did love me, then why did I have to kill innocent babies?" He was lost. He was hopeless. Surrounded by the guilt he had and unable to move forward in the joy he could experience in his family and ultimately in Jesus. He often vascillated between anger and passivity and looked to many of the world's methods to numb his guilt. When Sammy and I began to think about marriage, they sat at that same table and He asked my dad if he could marry me. My dad broke down in tears and told Sammy he never expected to have that opportunity. The time leading up to our wedding was a blur, but I remember asking him to walk me down the aisle, to which he responded with tears. He tried to give me reasons he didn't deserve that honor, most of which were probably accurate, but I told him I wanted to give him that honor. I didn't realize the moment I walked down that aisle with him would be the last time I would see him for 15 years. He left shortly after our wedding. I tried to get in contact with him several times with no success. I began having dreams in which I heard he was dying and tried to get to him to give him one last opportunity to receive the Lord, but I would get there and he was already dead. I stopped having them for a long time, but began having them again this past November. I had been dealing with a lot of personal struggles in the area of forgiveness and I assumed the added stress caused them. I stopped having them in December. Then, I received a call. My mom called me to tell me that my dad was sick and in the hospital. We didn't know how bad, just that he wasn't looking good. His girlfriend had finally made the decision to let us know. He didn't want to, but he allowed her. We went up that next day to see him. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I had reached out to him and he rejected me. I had sent christmas cards and pictures of kids he never knew, yet he returned them; the writing of 'return to sender' his very own. Yet an overwhelming compassion for him was stronger than those feelings of hurt and rejection. The fact that I had prayed for all of those years gave me a different perspective. A godly one. It helped me to see him through the eyes of Jesus. When I saw him, he didn't need to ask me for forgiveness, it was already given. I was overwhelmed by the sight of the frail man wasting away from a disease that ravaged his body. There was no spite, not in the least. I felt pity, yes, and compassion. He met my kids for the first time and we made plans for him to see them and hang out with them when he got out of the hospital. We spent the next week at the hospital with him. It was the week of Christmas. It became very apparent he was not going to get out of the hospital. We had little time to talk because he was seeing so many people for the first time in years. I had a couple of conversations with him in which he would tell me that he never knew it would be that easy. He built up this wall separating him from us because of his guilt. Yet, forgiveness was waiting on the other side the entire time, he was just too prideful and guilty to receive it. We talked about the "light" he said he could see in me. I shared that it is from Jesus and His love. He would be quiet and avoid the remark. I refused to let him go without 1 more opportunity to receive the Lord. We went to see him on New Year's eve and he had been unconscious all day. His girlfriend was in tears and his Dr. had said it wouldn't be long. I was so heartbroken because I knew I wouldn't be able to ask him if he knew Jesus and accepted Him as his Lord and Savior. I began to pray right then and told the Lord He needed to wake him up so I could tell him the truth one last time. He needed to allow him one last opportunity. Within minutes he woke up and looked at me. He said," Kimberly Nicole, you will tell me the truth, right? Am I dying?" To which I told him yes. He began to weep and say he didn't want to die. He wasn't ready. He had so much given to him that he didn't want to lose. Sammy began to talk to him and share about the forgiveness God has to offer. We talked with him and he said he needed that forgiveness. He prayed with us to receive the Lord. We sang hymns and talked for a couple hours. He was even awake and coherent for about 12 hours. That was the last time I talked to my father. He died on January 2nd at 3am. The funeral was bittersweet because it combined a group of people he allowed into his life combined with those he excluded from guilt. It was difficult for those who were related to him to see the fond memories that many had of him, knowing he chose to exclude them. It brought out pain and questions of why for some, and closure and peace for others. The theme was forgiveness and reconcilliation. I know on this earth it is so hard to forgive. We often feel, and may even be, justified on our opinion. However, in those final moments, does it even matter? Are you willing to give away your right to hold a grudge so that others can see Jesus and His heart through you? Believe me, it isn't easy. But it is possible. The only way is to start it now. You have to forgive now. We are not promised tomorrow, but we are given today. Is your heart hardened towards someone? Forgive them. Do they deserve it? No, but think of the wrongs we have done to the Lord. Our sin nailed Him to the cross. It is for all of our wrong-doing that He died. That same power to forgive can be yours if you chose to accept it. By realizing you deserve none of that forgiveness- you are guilty of the accounts against you- yet He freely and willingly gives it. How can we claim rights to our bitterness? We can't. We cannot serve the Lord and receive His grace and forgiveness yet hold a grudge and harbor bitterness against others. It will destroy us. We are made in His image. We were not made to be grudge-holders. We were made to be loving. Compassionate. Giving. This can only come from Him! So, I challenge you today. Have you been holding something against someone? Forgive them. Move forward in His grace. Come to a place where, like the hymn of old says, 'it is well with my soul'.