It is well with my soul

Wow! It has been such a long time! I have been so busy doing that I haven't had time to write about anything! The Lord has also been very busy! He is doing so much in me daily! I have been so blessed to be called His child! I have been meaning to post  this for awhile now, but it has been pushed aside. This week's women's study was on forgiveness and I realized I needed to post it. This year has been a difficult one. It required me to forgive things I never knew would need to be forgiven. It constantly brought me back to the reminder that He forgave me so much, how can I not freely do the same. It challenged me and sharpened me. But ultimately, it prepared me for the thing I would experience to close the year out. The moment  that would require me to ultimately forgive. I accepted the Lord at a young age and immediately realized that, if my dad didn't change, he was going to hell. I began from that moment to pray for his salvation. Life went forward and I would add that prayer to many others; at night before bed, when it popped into my thoughts, basically often. I remember in high school sitting with him at the kitchen table, listening to his stories of times when he did things he enjoyed, his voice often laced with regret. Often he would talk about how he failed as a father to us, how he could never show us how much he actually loved us. It is funny, but I was never really close to my dad- none of us were- so these times were not too often. But at those times, I realized that he was so full of guilt he couldn't see any way out of it from where he stood. I would share God's love and how Jesus could forgive all sins, only for him to reply,"That is good for you because you haven't done many bad things. I have done too much to be forgiven." He was a vietnam soldier and it really shook him having to do the things they did. He even once said," If God really did love me, then why did I have to kill innocent babies?" He was lost. He was hopeless. Surrounded by the guilt he had and unable to move forward in the joy he could experience in his family and ultimately in Jesus. He often vascillated between anger and passivity and looked to many of the world's methods to numb his guilt. When Sammy and I began to think about marriage, they sat at that same table and He asked my dad if he could marry me. My dad broke down in tears and told Sammy he never expected to have that opportunity. The time leading up to our wedding was a blur, but I remember asking him to walk me down the aisle, to which he responded with tears. He tried to give me reasons he didn't deserve that honor, most of which were probably accurate, but I told him I wanted to give him that honor. I didn't realize the moment I walked down that aisle with him would be the last time I would see him for 15 years. He left shortly after our wedding. I tried to get in contact with him several times with no success. I began having dreams in which I heard he was dying and tried to get to him to give him one last opportunity to receive the Lord, but I would get there and he was already dead. I stopped having them for a long time, but began having them again this past November. I had been dealing with a lot of personal struggles in the area of forgiveness and I assumed the added stress caused them. I stopped having them in December. Then, I received a call. My mom called me to tell me that my dad was sick and in the hospital. We didn't know how bad, just that he wasn't looking good. His girlfriend had finally made the decision to let us know. He didn't want to, but he allowed her. We went up that next day to see him. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I had reached out to him and he rejected me. I had sent christmas cards and pictures of kids he never knew, yet he returned them; the writing of 'return to sender' his very own. Yet an overwhelming compassion for him was stronger than those feelings of hurt and rejection. The fact that I had prayed for all of those years gave me a different perspective. A godly one. It helped me to see him through the eyes of Jesus. When I saw him, he didn't need to ask me for forgiveness, it was already given. I was overwhelmed by the sight of the frail man wasting away from a disease that ravaged his body. There was no spite, not in the least. I felt pity, yes, and compassion. He met my kids for the first time and we made plans for him to see them and hang out with them when he got out of the hospital. We spent the next week at the hospital with him. It was the week of Christmas. It became very apparent he was not going to get out of the hospital. We had little time to talk because he was seeing so many people for the first time in years. I had a couple of conversations with him in which he would tell me that he never knew it would be that easy. He built up this wall separating him from us because of his guilt. Yet, forgiveness was waiting on the other side the entire time, he was just too prideful and guilty to receive it. We talked about the "light" he said he could see in me. I shared that it is from Jesus and His love. He would be quiet and avoid the remark. I refused to let him go without 1 more opportunity to receive the Lord. We went to see him on New Year's eve and he had been unconscious all day. His girlfriend was in tears and his Dr. had said it wouldn't be long. I was so heartbroken because I knew I wouldn't be able to ask him if he knew Jesus and accepted Him as his Lord and Savior. I began to pray right then and told the Lord He needed to wake him up so I could tell him the truth one last time. He needed to allow him one last opportunity. Within minutes he woke up and looked at me. He said," Kimberly Nicole, you will tell me the truth, right? Am I dying?" To which I told him yes. He began to weep and say he didn't want to die. He wasn't ready. He had so much given to him that he didn't want to lose. Sammy began to talk to him and share about the forgiveness God has to offer. We talked with him and he said he needed that forgiveness. He prayed with us to receive the Lord. We sang hymns and talked for a couple hours. He was even awake and coherent for about 12 hours. That was the last time I talked to my father. He died on January 2nd at 3am. The funeral was bittersweet because it combined a group of people he allowed into his life combined with those he excluded from guilt. It was difficult for those who were related to him to see the fond memories that many had of him, knowing he chose to exclude them. It brought out pain and questions of why for some, and closure and peace for others. The theme was forgiveness and reconcilliation. I know on this earth it is so hard to forgive. We often feel, and may even be, justified on our opinion. However, in those final moments, does it even matter? Are you willing to give away your right to hold a grudge so that others can see Jesus and His heart through you? Believe me, it isn't easy. But it is possible. The only way is to start it now. You have to forgive now. We are not promised tomorrow, but we are given today. Is your heart hardened towards someone? Forgive them. Do they deserve it? No, but think of the wrongs we have done to the Lord. Our sin nailed Him to the cross. It is for all of our wrong-doing that He died. That same power to forgive can be yours if you chose to accept it. By realizing you deserve none of that forgiveness- you are guilty of the accounts against you- yet He freely and willingly gives it. How can we claim rights to our bitterness? We can't. We cannot serve the Lord and receive His grace and forgiveness yet hold a grudge and harbor bitterness against others. It will destroy us. We are made in His image. We were not made to be grudge-holders. We were made to be loving. Compassionate. Giving. This can only come from Him! So, I challenge you today. Have you been holding something against someone? Forgive them. Move forward in His grace. Come to a place where, like the hymn of old says, 'it is well with my soul'.