Good Night

I have come down with a cold. The past couple nights, I have taken NyQuil before bed, just to startle awake with vivid dreams. Sometimes they are strange, others are sad. Last night, I woke up in tears. It was funny because I had a hard time deciphering what was even real. I began to pray for the people in my dream. One by one, lifting them up. It is funny that they were all in the same dream together, as they are from different seasons of my life. One stuck out particularly. The image and situation that was concocted in my NyQuil dreamworld was incredibly sad. I prayed for her, her family, her spouse, her children, her ministry. I haven't talked to or seen her in some time, yet she was brought to memory. I am reminded that God is watching out for us. He is constantly interceding on our behalf. He brings us to the memories of others to cover us in prayers. I have never really spoken about dreams- nor do I believe that they all mean something. I do know that God has used my dreams to keep me in prayer for others. I have had dreams that I have seen similarities to later in life, but the outcome is not the same- victory comes instead of destruction. I have also had experiences where the dream I had would torment me, so I would pray all the more. Some are so bad I won't be able to go back to sleep. I sometimes pray that I would not have dreams at all. They can be horrible! Satan using them to shove things in my face and make me feel hopeless. Yet, it is nights like last that make me realize that we are more than conquerors- we have victory in Jesus. He is real and by praying  I can turn the horrible images and experiences of my dreams into blessing and fruit. The fight for our mind and heart never ends. How do you respond? Do you succumb to the temptation of defeat or do you stand up and chose you weapon? We have all we need in Jesus! He is fighting for us. It is such a comfort to remember He is always at work.

Control Issues :)

Control. It is so very hard to give up. I struggle constantly with it. It seems the more God asks for, the tighter I hold on. Women problems! Why do we have to have it "just so" all of the time? Today, I had a mental list of priorities. I had the order they needed to be done and the time they would each need. The problem? I had to do something outside of my mental list, which stressed me out. Then, it threw off the plan I had in my mind, and brought along frustration. This is a perfect picture of life. We try so hard to control every aspect of it. We have it mapped out in our head. It all seems great until something throws a wrench in your plan. We become thrown off and discontent. Our attitudes begin to change and we become angry, fearful, and even vengeful. We watch as the attitude of our heart reveals the selfishness of control. We feel like strangers. The bible has 2 "s" words that most of us fear. They are often absent when we try and play "God" in our life. They are submission and self-control. Does that seem right? Yes- I am afraid it does. When I try and control every aspect of my life, I am unable (and to be honest- unwilling) to submit. To God, to the authority in my life, even to my husband. Along comes the pent up emotions of my own plan failing, falling like bullets on those I love most. Self-control has been lost. Isn't it oddly ironic that we need to have some sort of control, but it is over our actions. Self- control is not control within ones self, but over it! This brings me hope. I will never have full control in this life. It is just not possible, because I am not the only person on this planet. I can, however, control the way I respond to life and it's disruptions. If I am submitted to God, and allowing Him to lead me, then the effects of change will be met with grace. In James 4, it says to submit to God. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to us. It also says to resist the devil and flee, all necessary actions if we want to be free of the monster known as control. Lord, help us daily to submit our hearts to You. Give us power to have self-control. Give us grace to allow room for You to lead us in life.

Another Day Goes By

     So much to do in a day! I am surprised at how quickly days seem to go by. Today, I finished sewing pillows, made arrows for my feature wall and oxidized them, made the pallet sign and oxidized it, made the fabric rosettes for said sign, and painted picture frames. Man, no wonder it flew by!
     This morning I began to research the next trip we plan to take. It will be the last we take before coming back to the states. 2 weeks of country-hopping. I am pretty excited! We will visit Paris, Versailles, Barcelona, Florence, Rome, Monte Carlo, Amsterdam, Prague, Vienna, Venice, Vatican City, Berlin, and Salzburg. That is 8 countries in all. We will need a vacation from our vacation! I am looking forward to this trip. It is the trip of a lifetime. The kids will love it. We will go by train. It will be interesting to say the least!
     We are meeting new families that are starting this semester, and it is an amazing thing. For the first time in our lives, we don't live in a fish bowl. We are not being watched, judged, or even obligated. It is so freeing. I am really going to enjoy coming back to the states and just being a normal person. Already we have met people who are in the same place as us, same age, same family situation. We don't have to be perfect or have the right words because we are the "pastor and his wife". We are just Sam and Kim. I can get used to having my own identity!
     Tonight, we babysat for 3 of the most adorable boys... 5,3,and 4 months. I miss babies! It was so refreshing! And nothing beats cuddling with a baby. Finished the night with fun games and new friends. If leaving wasn't going to be hard enough before, I believe it will really be hard now! It is amazing how you can meet someone and within 2 days feel like close friends. So is the body of Christ!
     Lately, I have been excited to start fresh and can even see myself venturing out into new territories. I read an article about how people change when they live abroad. I see it already. In all of us. It is a good thing we won't be going back to our same life, because it just doesn't make as much sense as it once did. I even find myself reflecting on the last 4 years and realizing how much I lived in fear and bondage to man and the decisions everyone made for me. One day I will tell my story. People will understand why my life turned a corner and went in another direction. Mainly, because they will see the Lord's hand in it. People ask me all the time if Sammy will ever teach again. They tell me how much they miss him or his leadership or worship. I realize that I was just along for the ride. He was the show. Being here has been comforting and healing for me. I have been my own person with my own value. It is nice to be appreciated for being me. Now for some much needed rest!

Live for Him!

I have had a pretty rough day today. Some days are easier than others. The bible tells us to love one another. It calls us to stand for righteousness. It tells us to be above reproach. It reminds us of the seriousness of sin. It beckons us to turn away from worthless things, unedifying things, and refrain from stumbling one another. It tells us we are free in Christ. But somewhere along the road, Christianity has turned into a fad. I am so bummed by it. People are living life as if they don't need to pursue righteousness. Instead of seeking to hit the bullseye, they just fail to even aim for it! Our Christian community is failing. We are refusing to be "set apart". The result? Many are unable to stand in the face of temptation. We are seeing so many fall apart. We are giving the devil the victory. He doesn't even have to try very hard, because we are much closer to the him than Jesus. Why? Why is it did important to have our own way? Our own comforts? My heart is breaking over the lack of people who are willing to stand firm in Jesus and His commandments. I am not talking radical fanatics who shove Jesus down the throat of everyone in the world who is contrary to their viewpoint. I am calling out to those who claim to be followers of Jesus. BE AN EXAMPLE! Sure you are free to indulge in------- because you are free in Christ, but why? Is it really worth it? Your freedom can stumble the weaker brother! If you are offended by this, than maybe you need to evaluate your life. Are you leaving those around you with the life that Jesus has to offer? Or are you just leaving them with the opinion that they can go to heaven and still live, speak, and act just the same as they do now? We are called to holiness. We cannot attain to that on our own. We need Jesus. Every day. Not everything this world has to entertain us. So friends, fellow believers, I pray that you would put God first. Above your self. Above your freedoms. Salvation is amazing, but we cannot live life as if it ends there. We are called to Go and make disciples. We are called to be lights. We are to be salt. Don't let your freedoms steal the flavor you have to give to this world that needs Jesus. Run the race to receive the prize! Just say no to "participation medals". If you are a follower of Jesus, then follow Jesus! Lord, give us Your eyes to see, Your heart to prefer others, and Your power to run this race. To God be the glory!

No other love

There is a song that runs through my head quite frequently. As a musician, this happens a lot. This song, however, takes my mind and emotions and mixes them together. It carries  me back to a place in the past that is almost tangible. Has that ever happened to you? The lyrics to the song are:
To keep Your lovely face
Ever before my eyes
This is my prayer
Make it my strong desire
That in my secret heart
No other love competes
No rival throne survives
And I serve only You


This has been my prayer lately. I am realizing that I harbor so many things that compete for my heart, which is committed to the Lord. Many of them are often screaming to be on the throne where He resides. There are times where I am sure He has all my heart has to offer, only to find there are still things I am holding above Him. When will surrender be a lifestyle?

Hungary has been a real blessing. Though I am growing to love this country, I have really struggled with the absence of church family. It feels so strange to sit in your living room and listen to a pastor teach online. No worship. No fellowship. I am longing to be a part of the body once again. I have been praying for God to bring the right people into our lives. He has been faithful and brought us closer as a family. I am excited to hear the kid's when they reflect on this year in the future.

This week, the weather has been everywhere! Sometimes in the same day. We literally had warm sun, rain, and snow within a matter of hours. It reminds me of prairie days. I decided that I miss the forest, and when the tasks of this housing turnover are complete I will return to it. I will bring a knife, but I WILL return! I miss the beauty and serenity that creation brings.


Over the break, we have had the opportunity to get to know some of the students better. A young couple and a young Ukrainian woman stayed behind for the holidays. They have been a blessing to us; helping above and beyond what was asked or expected. It is such an awesome thing to work with others who love Jesus and desire to work as unto Him. Soon everyone will return, and time here will tick away quickly. We hope to see a little more of this continent before our return. I know that we planned to get out more, but somehow God wanted us to be here in this small village for the majority of our time. That isn't too bad, though. In just over 4 months, we will fly back to the states. Part of me is anxious to get back to real life. The other part knows the of that thought process never ends! I am focusing all my efforts on enjoying the last few months here, and thinking about home less and less (even Coco- though it kills me to admit that). Life is always changing, so I must remember to keep my eyes fixed upon the One who never changes.

and a clean kitchen...

 I realized that I could never clean houses for a living. I would hate on whoever messed it up! I spent the day thoroughly cleaning the kitchen of our old place. When we moved here, many of the drawers, cabinets, etc had a ton of junk in them- which I left because we were only going to be here for a short time. The new families will be here much longer, so I decided to do the deep cleaning I would have liked upon my arrival. The problem? There were not many cleaner options. So as I sat on the floor scrubbing the oven vent hood with a nail brush and vinegar, I remembered something that a past friend used to say. "Constraints are the building blocks of ingenuity". I laughed out loud at the irony. Scrubbing and cleaning (and this quote) gave me an opportunity to think. A lot. 8 hours worth to be exact. It made me realize some things:
1) I am so incredibly glad that God's idea of forgiveness is not like ours! His forgiveness is complete and absolute, unlike my own. It does not ask me to explain or even try to understand. It is just offered to me. Not because of my character or my good deeds. Not because I earned it or any other reason. If is just because He chose to.
2) I am glad that my identity is found in Him. I am a mess. We all are. The older we get, the more I realize that life is capable of pulling the rug out from under you at any moment. You can be one thing for so long, only to have it taken away in a moment. If we place our identities in them, we will fall apart when they do. Jesus never falls apart! If our identity is in Him, we are secure!
3) I am far too obsessive to allow things to fall through, but God is asking me to let go. Be flexible. Everything in my current life would not have ever been something I would have imagined or fathomed. Living with no direction, no expectations, or any structure is all but killing us! But it has helped me to let go. (Maybe only a little😁)
4) I hate vinegar. Completely irrelevant from a spiritual standpoint, but true none the less!
My hands are pruny and I am sooooo tired. One more week and it will be over!

Just Life...

     Sometimes, I feel compelled to write as a way to process my thoughts. Other times life is exciting or difficult. Today, life is just life. I have been so busy lately that thinking is barely on my schedule. Running from 8 am to 12 am makes for long days. The end is near, and today was super productive. I can make it!
     Here is something crazy- we have been here longer than we have left. We leave here in just 4 months. I will miss this quaint little paradise. I may never come back again (highly likely) and I realize that I must make the most of these next few months before we return. I posted a quote from CS Lewis awhile back, and it is a reminder to me. "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." It is hard to believe that, but I know it is true! I am blown away by the things God has done. He is continuing to replace the things we have left behind with more of Him. I know He will continue to do that in our lives if we allow Him.
     I have been praying about what God wants me to do when we get back to the states. I am not terribly excited about going to work, but I know that God will provide a job that will be the right fit. It is a bit scary, but really everything in my life has been as of late. He will provide the strength I need. If you think about it, please pray that God would open up the right door and provide work/home/church for us. Thanks!
     The new place we moved to is really coming around. I love the fact that the windows face the horse ranch. It is so nice to watch the horses. The weather has been very sunny, but also freezing. There is no snow, just ice. Leah was worried because one of the horse stalls had a huge puddle of ice. She was so cute trying to convince "Vegetable" not to walk on the ice.
     Christian has been drawing. A lot. It is pretty much all he does here. I didn't realize how hard this move would be on him. He seems to internalize it a lot. He understands a lot more than Leah, so I think he is worried about life in general. I hate that he has to go through this! I wish they wouldn't have to worry and life was easy, but that just isn't real. I have actually realized that a lot of what I believed to be true about life wasn't real. That is why we must look to God to be our all. He is real. More than our thoughts. More than our heart. He is. I am so grateful for the promise of His faithfulness to those who love Him and put their trust in Him. It makes reality a lot easier to face. Good night from this side of the world!