The End

To let go is a hard thing. This is where we find ourselves. Tomorrow, there will be a video shown to let the church know we will not return. It is bittersweet. I love the people and miss them dearly. I also know this is best. It is best for them and best for us. The hard part is letting go. It has made up so much of who I am. It has molded so many of my decisions and ideals. But just like that- it is over. Funny, it wasn't how I saw our life, but I am confident it is the right choice. I am only afraid that, if God ever sees fit to put us in a place of ministry, I would not be willing. I wish it were easy. That all the answers were black and white. However, I cannot lie. Life is messy. I know that now more than ever. It also leaves scars that harden us if we let them. So I pray. I pray I would not allow satan to have victory. That my heart would not grow calloused. That I will look back over the past few years and know that the good that came was worth the price it cost. I am not there yet, but I am confident because it is God who will do the work. I only have to come with an expectant, willing heart and open hands. Just when life seems too hard to bear or not worth the effort, I am reminded of His promises. I am encouraged by this truth: He is near to those who call upon His name. Regardless of our state, He remains the same. What an encouragement it is to kgnow that our God is a strong God who fights for us! He allows us to go through pain that we would hold tighter to Him. He gives us the strength to hold on, even when it feels like it is impossible. He restores our soul when it only sees anguish. He is sufficient, sympathetic, and gracious to His children. This is the hope I cling to in this time. The hope that I have seen in the past. The hope that has brought me to this place. Jesus- He is our hope. 

Life Lately

     What a weekend! I had the opportunity to hang out in Budapest with Leah. We went to see Cirque Du Soleil's Quidam. It was an amazing experience. I was blown away by their strength. This morning, I woke up exhausted from all the walking. I dragged myself out of bed to make it to devos. The person teaching hit a point that really impacted me. He said this: "rules and boundaries are good - and even necessary- but they cannot replace the work that happens in a life that is experiencing the Holy Spirit. Flesh cannot sanctify flesh." It was yet another reminder to me that Jesus wants to meet with me. He desires to fill us with His spirit so we can experience true victory. Rules are great. I love order and doing my best. The thing to watch out for is pride. Goodness cannot save us. One can be good, honorable, kind, giving, serving and still lack the sanctification that comes through the blood Jesus shed. It is only when we invest time in Our relationship with Jesus and wait upon Him that we see our need for His Holy Spirit. So much to take in! (Especially half asleep)
     Humility comes in many packages lately. The newest one? Hungarian worship songs. I cannot begin to tell you how hard it is to sing them. My mouth refuses to put the sounds together. My brain cannot make sense of the letters. I sang songs we have already done, but I couldn't even get through them. So frustrating! I have spent 2 hours phonetically writing out the songs so my brain will stop trying to read them. I am almost though 10,000 reasons. So sad. Only 2 more to go!
     Sickness has been rampant lately in our home. In this entire facility, actually. We have had it all. The past week my stomach issues began to resurface. It was kind of odd since I really haven't been eating. I am a little concerned with that, and sad because I don't want to go see a hungarian dr. I know it would be wise, because we will not have medical insurance when we first go back to the states, but the experiences we have had with the dr here has been pointless. They do no tests, not even an exam. They ask your symptom, then treat it. All for $100... No thanks!
     The weather has been beautiful this week! I even wore sandals and a sweatshirt (and got yelled at) yesterday. I was so excited that I grabbed a pair of Capri workout pants this morning. Reality hit when I looked at the temperature and it was 28 degrees... No capris for me! Cue layers.
     Amidst all that we have experienced the past 6 months here in Hungary, there has been a presence- a knowing I cannot explain- that has seen us through. Life is hard. People forget you. Everything changes. But reality awakens and shows you that life is so much more than you ever thought or knew it to be. That is the hope that keeps me going. There are less than 3 months left for us here in Hungary. There really is no plan after that. Anyone that knows me knows that this is so contrary to my personality. Yet God, with His peace, has given me a calm I cannot understand. People have so many questions. (Which will only increase in the next week or so). I have never said "I don't know" so much in my life! Living through the past few years has taught me one thing- no matter what you are going through, life will still go on. At times I honestly felt like I could not go on. God is faithful, and will remain so because He cannot deny Himself. There are still areas of my life that He has to repair, restore, and redeem. However, I am hopeful that He can remove the shards of my broken heart and replace them with a heart of flesh. This song has really ministered to me recently. It is called Sinking Deep. Listen to it and be blessed! Speaking of songs, I must get back to work!

Love the Lord

Blessed with this reminder today from Charles Spurgeon:

Hosea 3:1

The love of the Lord.

 

Believer, look back through all thine experience, and think of the way whereby the Lord thy God has led thee in the wilderness, and how He hath fed and clothed thee every day-how He hath borne with thine ill manners-how He hath put up with all thy murmurings, and all thy longings after the flesh-pots of Egypt-how He has opened the rock to supply thee, and fed thee with manna that came down from heaven. Think of how His grace has been sufficient for thee in all thy troubles-how His blood has been a pardon to thee in all thy sins-how His rod and His staff have comforted thee. When thou hast thus looked back upon the love of the Lord, then let faith survey His love in the future, for remember that Christ's covenant and blood have something more in them than the past. He who has loved thee and pardoned thee, shall never cease to love and pardon. He is Alpha, and He shall be Omega also: He is first, and He shall be last. Therefore, bethink thee, when thou shalt pass through the valley of the shadow of death, thou needest fear no evil, for He is with thee. When thou shalt stand in the cold floods of Jordan, thou needest not fear, for death cannot separate thee from His love; and when thou shalt come into the mysteries of eternity thou needest not tremble, "For I am persuaded, that neither death; nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Now, soul, is not thy love refreshed? Does not this make thee love Jesus? Doth not a flight through illimitable plains of the ether of love inflame thy heart and compel thee to delight thyself in the Lord thy God? Surely as we meditate on "the love of the Lord," our hearts burn within us, and we long to love Him more.