😳

Monday: reality is beginning to set in. We spent most of the day running around the county building getting all of our paperwork in order. We also officially found out the dog must stay. Now, we look for her new home. That was one of the hardest conversations to have with Leah. She doesn't understand. We are still holding out for a gym but that looks impossible as well. So, basically God is asking for everything. I feel numb. I have been compliant, and I know God knows what is happening in my life and none of this is a surprise to Him. How easy it was to live for Him and trust Him when He required me to tip toe slightly from my comfort zone. How difficult this season has been when He is asking me to die to myself completely for His sake and glory. I vascillate between confusion and guilt. I am confused because I am not sure what He is doing and I feel guilty because I don't want to do what He is asking. Ultimately, when the time comes, I have to be willing to yield control to Him. Sammy was unsure if I was even going to go to do the paperwork today. Honestly, I had to pep talk myself the entire morning. This has been a huge struggle of attitude. I have had to spend a lot of time in solitude begging the Lord to be my strength and pour His grace and mercy into me so I can function in it. As the countdown begins and the closure of this season comes near, I have to trust He has got this. I know Sammy doesn't have this. I know I DEFINITELY don't have this! But God does. People want to throw going away parties, but honestly I can barely hold it together for church services. I am not good with goodbyes. I haven't had to say too many in my life. Well, thanks for all those who are praying for us. I feel the strength and know that it is because of Him that I can resolve myself to go forward. In my life, in my walk, in everything!

Sadness and reality

Today was a particularly sad day for 2 reasons. Reason #1- I had to look up potential homes and families for our beloved dog. I am so sad at the thought of her no longer being a part of our family. Reason #2- I took down all of our family pictures from Sammy's (former) office. Talk about heartbreaking! I remember putting them up and being so excited that the horrific office had been transformed into the place it is now. I am glad to enjoy these last few weeks of long beach walks and praise music, because this new chapter of our life is so scary. One thing I know- God is not surprised at where we are or where we are going. Last night was a great reminder that Joy looks out and up. Lord, help me to keep that perspective when the fear of the unknown threatens to overtake me.

Destruction

So many times we fail to see how destructive our sin really is. We try and justify it and even give ourselves props for the times we wanted to sin and didn't. The problem is that we are desensitized to it. We do not hate sin as He hates it! You see, if that were the case, then we would never allow it to rule and reign over us. But alas, it does. We forget to put on our armor in the battle. We believe we are conditioned enough to handle it on our own. We start to hang around it and act surprised when it overtakes us. We are stupid to the power of sin. Why do we act like it is no big deal and that grace is sufficient? Why do we act like spoiled children of God? Forgive out complacent hearts. Purge our selfish thoughts. Give us strength to flee from temptation and the wisdom to stay far from sin. Sober us to the weight of sin and its consequences. To ourselves, our family and friends, our loved ones. Help us to rely upon You and Your example to combat sin. Give us the courage and desire to say no in the face of temptation and to pray. Lord, give us Your heart on sin. Sin that separates. Sin that causes death and destruction. Sin that breaks Your heart. Help us to function as You would when sin is ready to overtake us. Make prayer a priority in our lives. Fill us with the power of the Holy Spirit. Focus our minds on the word You have given us. Then, give us Your heart of grace when others fail as we do. Pour Your grace into our lives so that we can love those who are caught in the snares of sin. Give us victory so we can encourage those who feel like they cannot go on. Motivate us to be the children You have called and raised us to be. Help us to reflect and resemble our Father.

Moving On

Sometimes, you forget how much you is in you! I am a person who loves order. I love when a task is complete. I love knowing exactly what is going on and what part I play in it. I am quiet, orderly, and try my hardest to hide in the background of life. My husband is very similar to me in the fact that he loves order. The difference, however, is that he LOVES being a part of everything. He thrives on being with people. He loves parties and socializing. He loves telling stories and being funny. He attracts people wherever he goes. His personality is alluring and contagious. There is no way that I could ever do half of what he does. I couldn't fathom being the center of attention by choice. The thought actually mortifies me! So, in preparation for this new venture of our life, I have had to "fake it till I make it". I am terrified because this is so opposite of me; of my personality. I wish I were braver and more adventurous. I pray for God to make me super excited about this. But, at the core of everything I am still me. The blessing? He knows that. He knows every single thing in my heart. He knows my fears. He knows my struggles. He knows my body and He knows my mind. He knows exactly how this is affecting me, and He promises that His grace is sufficient. The past two days have been surreal. I have felt as if I am incapable of making any coherent decisions. I feel confused and dazed, but I know that God is still with me. Matter of fact, He is the one that is carrying me through these tough choices in my life. His promises are the balm that soothes my soul. His strength is the only way I am even able to move. I am blessed immeasurably by those I call family and friends. Their encouragement and understanding have been paramount during this transitional period. I know all the reasons this is "no big deal", but to me- it is a BIG DEAL! So many new things to think about. So many things we will miss out on. I know that this season is one for us to seek the Lord and see what He wants to do in us. I know that there is blessings in obedience. I know that I will be glad to have had this opportunity. I know all of those things are true. I was not excited to come to IB, but it has been one of the biggest blessings in my life! That said, leaving the country for a year is daunting! It requires a ton if preparation. I guess I need to just be me and start making those lists! :)

                                      "Make your petition deep, O heart of mine,
                                                  Your God can do much more
                                                          Than you can ask;
                                        Launch out on the Divine,
                                                  Draw from His love-filled store.
                                       Trust Him with everything;
                                                  Begin today,
                                       And find the joy that comes
                                                  When Jesus had His way!"

A New Beginning

We have been blessed to be a part of what God is doing at Calvary Imperial Beach. It is amazing to see everyone come together and serve. The friends we made and the times we had will always be a blessing to me. You all will be missed! It is surreal to think that we will be gone soon! A new chapter of our life will begin. I am sad because I loved the old one, but I know that God's way is perfect and He is with us. So, we will be moving to Hungary to rest and seek the Lord. During this time, we will be taking a year and praying through to see His direction for our family. Will you pray with us? Pray for wisdom, health, our family, our relationship with God and each other, guidance, and peace. I know that He will meet us as we seek Him. Thank you all for the times of love and grace you lavished upon our family. We will always be overwhelmed by your love and grace towards us. Continue to pursue Jesus above all else. Until we meet again!

Wake up

"For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God." Hebrews 11:10

This verse here is talking about Abraham. Abraham, by faith, followed the voice of God. He went to foreign lands and made difficult decisions. He messed up, made poor choices, let his wife take the lead, paid for it DEARLY😉,  lost a son, gained a nation, but the entire time his heart was set upon listening to God's voice. This verse in Hebrews sums it up beautifully! What a great encouragement. As leaders and ministers of God's word, this is a comfort and wake up call. It is a comfort because we know that everything we do means little in light of the hope and promise of heaven. The effort and work we put into raising His people is not for earthly rewards. We are promised so much more! That joy propels us to pour into the people He has entrusted to us GLADLY! It is comforting to know that we don't have to save them or keep them in His grace, we simply need to fix our eyes on heaven and allow His grace to work through us. The wake up call? We need to fix our eyes on Heaven and allow His grace to work through us! We need to remember that this kingdom- this church- is His. Everything we do is for Him. We need to be looking forward to heaven! We need to remember that church size, fruit, or any other manifestation of spiritual growth is not for us to further our kingdom on earth, but to impart the promise and hope of an eternal life with Jesus. What a terribly scary and beautiful thing this is! We know Abraham- we think of his failures, we think of his strengths. However, God saw in Abraham HIS purpose! Does God see His purpose in me? Am I doing His will? Are the sacrifices I am bringing to Him pure or tainted? Lord, purge our hearts as leaders and refine us according to Your loving kindness and mercy. Teach us to look to Heaven, our hope and exceedingly great reward. Fill us with You, so we can lead others in the way of righteousness. May our hope be in heaven, where we will spend eternity with the Maker of our soul. Give us a love for the things You love. Make our heart Your home

Fear and Faith

Fear and Faith
"Fear and faith have something in common. They both ask us to believe in something we cannot see."

Fear. An old friend of mine. It has kept me from attempting so many things. It has robbed me of peace and joy. It has taken residence in my heart and identified itself with my being. Fear is an emotion we all have. Often we use it to hold us captive. It is all-encompassing. It is irrational. It is often a liar. It feeds on small amounts of truth mixed with large amounts of unknown. This emotion- fear- demands we surrender to it. It isn't polite. It doesn't prefer us. It doesn't even encourge us. Yet, it dwells in me. It asks me to believe it. Why do I succomb to it so often? Easy- I let it talk. I try to ignore it, but it speaks non-stop. Until I start to listen. Then it has me.
Faith is a reliance on something we cannot see. It is a hope in the unseen. It is a choice. It is also something in all of us. We have faith every day. We have faith in objects, people, places, and circumstances. Blind faith. How many of us can see our heart every morning when we wake up? Yet we trust that it will continue to pump blood to all the vital parts of our bodies. Or air? Have you ever thought about it not being available to you when you wake up? No- we trust in unseen things based on principles of truth. So, why does fear (which takes from me) govern my life and faith (that I often do without even thinking) take a back seat in it? I have been pondering that for some time now.
I have been praying for God to help me in this area. Sunday's sermon was an encouraging reminder to take our fear and turn it into faith. It was a call to fix our eyes on Jesus to make that happen. So, the answer is that easy? Yes... And no. The answer is easy, the solution? That requires us to have an intentional faith. Not a "wake up without thinking of all the things you trust" faith, but a faith which requires you to command your thoughts and emotions. A faith that takes the unseen fear and pushes it aside to fixate on the Lord and His promises. Faith and fear are actions. They are choices. But only one of them will change me for the better. Only one will break the chains of bondage and rip the cords that fear has entangled around me. Only one comes with the promise of eternal life, and hope for the life we are in... And it isn't fear!

Ps. 27:1