I Love Friday!

Today was a rare day. We actually were able to spend the day together as a family. I was bummed that we couldn't go pick apples, but we got to go to the farmer's market. It was pretty nice with the exception of the guy trying to get us to sign a petition that supports re opening the medical marajuana dispenseries. We also just hung out all night which was great! I am excited because tomorrow we get to do it again! For the first time in forever we actually were all home together! I am so blessed to have an amazing, funny, caring and loving family and I love spending time with them! Now, to sleep! Good night!

Feed on His Faithfulness

I have been trying to figure out all day how to put into words the things I experienced this week. I tried to post monday, but I just couldn't find the words to say, so I went to the gym instead. Yesterday I tried again but found that it was easier to grab my guitar and worship. So, here I am tonight trying to convey to you what the Lord did this week. I was blessed to attend my 10th Pastor's Wives conference for the past few days. I was glad to go, but I was torn because Sammy has been gone so much lately. I knew it would be what was best for me, and was prepared for whatever it was God had for me. I was not aware that I also needed to include the weather in my prayers, but I was surprisingly ok with the 106 weather. It was great to see ladies that I haven't seen in awhile and catch up on life. I was blessed beyond blessed at all of the love and attention we received from the staff and Pastor's wives that plan the event. It is so great to go to a place where they treat you like you are the most important person there. The theme was 'Feed on His Faithfulness' and we camped in Psalm 37. There were so many good things spoken, I don't even know where to begin. My favorite verse happens to fall in that chapter, which was nice, but I found a love for the verses surrounding it as well. I was especially impacted by verses 30-31."The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice. The law of his God is in his heart;his steps do not slip." (ESV)  I was exhorted by this. I was reminded that, if I claim to be righteous than my mouth should speak words of wisdom. If I am to make an impact for the Lord in any way, then I must be willing to stand up for justice and pursue righteousness no matter what the cost. Am I really willing to sacrifice my right to do__________ so I can be an example to others? And how about The law of God? Do I hide it in my heart? Am I truly feasting on His word and applying it in all things? If so, then my steps will not slip. I often feel like I am sliding down a slope with nothing to grab onto, yet this promise tells me that is not so. If I am righteous- which as a believer I am- and I am meditating on His word so I can live it out, then I am safe. Even when I feel like I am flying down the hill with arms flailing, I am safe. He is with me. He is in charge of me. One speaker said this,"We often can appreciate the God of the past. We see evidence of His faithfulness and we are assured. We also can see the God of the future. We know His promise of heaven and the hope of His return. Yet we fail to look for the God of the present. We forget that He is here with us. He is a God we can hide in." I was so encouraged by that last phrase. He is a God we can hide in. By hiding His word in our heart, we reap so many wonderful benefits. I can rattle off all the verses that tell you about the benefits, but the main benefit is that when we scour the scripture to glean the treasure of God's word and feed on His faithfulness we are also hiding in Him. John 1:1 tells us the " Word was God". Not only can we see who God is by tucking those words away, we also begin to know Him better. We become more intimate with Him. We look for times to be alone with Him. We cry out to Him when we are weak and rejoice with Him when He is strong. I spent a lot of my free time playing my guitar and singing to Him. We spent so much time learning of Him and learning from Him that my heart just wanted to be with Him! I have been clinging to Him during this season of change and heartache and I am so blessed to see His healing has begun. He is so amazing and His ways are wayyyy beyond my understanding, yet I can look back at this past few months and say with assurance that my God is faithful. I left with a sense of awe. I am still trying to process the things He spoke to me and the way He comforted me and challenged me. I know I am so very far from the finished work He is creating, but I am so glad He is using this season to draw me into His heart and hide me there so I am safe!

my best friend

today I got to hang out with Sammy before he took off for the men's retreat. I am always happy when I get that opportunity. He is a blessing and it is nice when I don't have to share him with anyone, especially his phone! Right now he, along with several other men are at the men's retreat. Will you join me in prayer for them? I know the past year has been tough on so many families, and the men need our prayers. Prayer for strongholds to be broken and victory to be had. Prayer for God's grace to wash away the guilt and lies the devil has been feeding them. Prayer for repentant hearts and deeper commitment to the Lord. I know that the Lord has so much to speak to them and I am excited to see what God is going to do through this time. Thanks for joining me in this!

Just another Sunday

Today was a particurlarly strange sunday. I woke up with a migraine, which I guess isn't all to strange. I picked up my bible and began to read it. Also, not strange. I was incredibly tired and glad to read about God's blessings to Abraham. I covered Abraham's unbelief and lack of faith with Abemilech and his amazing recovery with his willingness to sacrifice Isaac, his son of promise. I was moved because it was so freeing to know that even great men of God wavered in faith and I am not alone. It was promising to see God continually remain faithful to what He promised Abraham regardless of his shortcomings. I went about getting ready for church ready to hear from the Lord. My head was still really bad, but I just wasn't going to let it win. I made it through worship before the pain began to get out of control. I haven't had a migraine like this in a while, so I tend to forget how quickly they can take over and how much control they demand. Before I knew it, I was racing to the back, overcome with nausea. It came and went and I spent the majority of the service in the restroom, but I was finally able to go sit down for the last 15 minutes. I got up and tried to navigate my way around to minister to others, but my head was not allowing me to do so. After a particularly awful situation, I went home in tears, ready to give up. Feeling completely defeated and utterly overwhelmed, I realized that he had done it. The enemy had officially stolen my joy. He turned my focus off the blessings of the Lord and put them back on my ailments and situations. The worst part is, I didn't know how to stop it. I did, however, begin to combat it. I prayed. and Prayed. and Prayed. The Lord used this to remind me that I may be getting beat up, but He always keeps His promise. He brought back to memory the story I read about Abraham and Isaac. He reminded me that He asked Abraham to trust Him and lay his son on the alter. The son of which all God's promises would be implemented through. It was a strange request for Abraham, I am sure, but he did as he was asked because he knew of God's past faithfulness. He knew God kept His promises, and with absolute certainty he said,"I and the boy will come back..." He trusted God right now. That is what God is calling me to do. I know the promise He has given me and I know that He is in control and that is enough. I can only trust that everything that is going on is part of what will make the fulfillment of Hos promise even sweeter. I don't know how He is going to do it, but I know He will. I am choosing to believe, Like Abraham, that He will do as He says. I am refusing to second guess Him as in the past and instead look to Him to fulfill the things He desires to do in me and through me. It definitely isn't easy, but neither was Abraham's act of preparing the alter that would consume his only son as a sacrifice. God isn't asking me to do the impossible, He is just challenging and encouraging me to hang on as He completes it. I am so thankful that in the midst of the storm He is calming the sea.

The Beauty of Being Broken

Sometimes I am hit with moments of nostalgia. Like at this past women's retreat. The guest musician sang a song(t though quite different than I remembered it) that brought back days from my youth. I had a similiar situation just this week. I was in Sammy's office printing things out for the very first CCIB women's study ever and I came across a little book. It was quite old. The cover was worn and the pages were yellowed, but it brought back so many memories. I was so stressed out, I decided to take a break and crack the book open. As I read briefly through the first few pages, waves of memories came over me. I was reminded of times when I was just a little girl. It was sunday evening, and I was a "big girl" and sat in the church service. I was often trying to follow along with my Pastor, but much of it was just over my head. I wasn't out of elementary school yet, and I definitely was not ready to dissect God's word. I was, however, quite excited when he would pull out this book. Many people would groan or roll their eyes, but it excited me. It gave me hope. You see, this book was about a young lady who loved Jesus. She wasn't a movie star or a famous person. She was a woman. A woman who simply loved Jesus and wanted to tell the world around her. That meant wherever she went. Her name was Ann Kimmel. Often those stories took place in everyday places, challenging people in ways they did not want to be bothered. This may be the reason why people groaned when he brought it out. All I knew is that, when my Pastor read this book it moved him to tears. It was in this reading that I saw his true heart. Even as a little girl, I realized that those tears were not because he was sad, but because he was happy. He understood. I didn't realize until years later  God would use this book to remind me of that. Being on this side of things, I realize something else. I realize that my Pastor knew who he was, and how much he needed Jesus himself. He knew that, although the road was hard and often lonely, it was worth it to see the hearts of the people turn to Jesus. Little did he know that, in sharing those wonderful stories from that small book so many years ago I would be ministered to.Starting a church is an exciting thing, there is no doubt about that. If you would have told me last year that in ten months the Lord would have us start a church, move into our own building,and hold our first women's bible study with 60 women I would not have believed you.Yet, here we are watching God move in spite of us, and we are humbled. I am often reduced to tears because of all that the Lord has seen fit to do through us. But I also know who I am, and how much I need Jesus. If there was ever a question before, it is gone! And yes, though this is exciting, it is also hard. God has asked hard things of me, seeking my full trust in Him. And it is often lonely. God is constantly challenging me to lay things down for His call in me. The result? Brokeness. It is not easy being broken. I was the kind of kid that broke everything, which is quite ironic if you know me now. I was careless and often covered in bruises. I was not a stranger to broken. But this is a different kind of broken. A beautiful broken. One that brings me to tears when I read about God's people doing His work. One that causes me to persevere through hard times. I am so amazed that one little book can remind me of so much, but I am so blessed that God uses little things in my life to put the big things in perspective. I am realizing that, when I am broken, I am able to allow His grace to renew me.

It's not called GymNICEstics!

This past weekend I was afforded a unique opportunity. Well, let me start from the beginning. Every year. Leah's gym hosts a few gymnastics meets. The first meet we host is generally in the fall. Fall is the beginning of compulsary competition. Last year we switched programs, so Leah was not competing this weekend. It was a change for me, as I generally volunteer anywhere that will keep Leah from actually picking me out of a crowd.This normally includes much hiding, which I have officially perfected. Since I didn't have to hide, I thought I would try something new this year. I bravely looked at the sign up sheet and wrote my name next to event timer. This seemed very scary to me, however, because it would place me next to the people we fear more than life and stay away from like the plague; avoiding eye contact at all costs. These people- The Judges. The Judge is infamous for many reasons in the gymnastics world. If you sat in a crowd during any session, you would know that they are (according to most parents): partial to private gyms, constantly misrepresenting the actual score of the event most girls have just competed, very mean, looking to fault the girls for any thing not limited to: picking wedgies, wearing nail polish, heavy make up, disheveled hair,jewelry,etc. They are also known to(again, according to the parents) score cuter girls higher than ugly ones, reward older girls with higher scores, and never smile.As a parent, my job is to be a nurturer. In the world of gymnastics meets, this means I hug my daughter, tell her I love her, and send her on her way. I also clap and am extremely proud of all of the girls on her team. I am elated when they excel at something they worked so hard to get and hurt when they are mustering all of their strength to finish after a mistake. I AM a nurturer. Yet, I was placing myself right next to the judges, and I was soooo nervous. I slept poorly and woke up early, afraid of what would happen if I messed up the time or, worse, if one talked to me. I showed up, exhausted, and I was ready to do my job. I had resolved to do this, and I would. I was given the task of timing vault warm up. My anxiety was lessened when I saw the cheat sheet left for me. I breathed a sigh of relief and awaited the first group. When they came to salute the judges, I was smiling at the adorable sight I saw before me. 6-8 year old girls, many competing for their first time. There were faces of confidence mixed with faces of fear. Glitter and ribbons were in abundance. Fidgeting was inevitable due to nerves. As they walked away, pulling and picking their leos, I was curious how anyone was going to be able to judge them! I just wanted to squeeze them all and make them feel better! Yet  3:45 seconds later, they ran down the vault run and the judges were in action. I was enthralled at the way the 2 judges could look directly at the girls yet score them on their papers at the same time. I was baffled that they would have scores that, often times, were almost identical to the other. They definitely knew what they were doing. I was amazed as they executed justice based solely on the vault performed in front of them. As a nurturer, I looked at the girls with love and smiled, hoping to will away any fear or trepidation they may have had. There was also one other aspect that was represented: The Coach. While parents are the nurturer and judges are,well, judges the coaches bring a perspective that was unique to each one. Some coaches spent the entire warm up coaching the girl to improve her vault yet remained quiet and supportive during the competition of it. Others were there to hug and comfort the girls, not really using the meet as a venue to coach but to enforce confidence in their gymnast. Then, there were the rest. You know, the one who my daughter will never be around, nor would her gym ever employ (thank you, Kristin!). Like the old guy who referred to his female coaches as his harem (to the judges) and the guy that kept sighing and rolling his eyes after every girl vaulted. It was strange to watch this interaction, because it varied so much from gym to gym.I was glad to know that many of the coaches were proud of their girls and that they often hugged them. It was a combination of the parent and the judge.It was comforting to know that, although they were being instructed and corrected, they were also being loved and encouraged. This was the point that brought me to a realization. I am going through so much in life, but I am not alone. I have a Father, a Coach and a Judge. The beauty is, I get to rest in the loving arms of my Father and walk with the help of my encouraging and instructive Coach. However, justice has already been atoned for. I do not need to worry about judgement! I have been covered by the blood of my Redeemer! He has paid the price and ultimately was judged for my performance- my sin. I am forgiven, and He no longer looks at me through the eyes of justice- scrutinizing my every move and failure. He looks at me through the eyes of a Father who loves and cherishes His daughter. He loves me. He is elated when I succeed and hurt when I hurt. He encourages me to do more, yet comforts me when I feel as if I can't do anything. He sings over me (Zeph. 3:17). His thoughts towards me are of peace, to give me a future and a hope (Jer.29:11). And ultimately, He paid the price for me. He willingly laid down His life so that I may live in fullness. I never cease to be amazed at how so many situations in life can bring me back to this knowledge. I realize that this is because so often I refuse to believe it. I know me, and regardless of how nice or loving I am, I can never be as loving as Jesus. I can only bask in the glory that He has allowed me to be His child. What better thing is there? I am so thankful for the loving people in my life and the lives of my family, as it reminds me that I have so much to be grateful for. As I left that day to continue working at the church, I was blessed. I realized many things through event timing. Judges are actually quite nice and amazingly gifted at what they do. You do not turn into stone when you look into their eyes. They do smile, and they like Nordstrom shoes, but do NOT like coaches to refer to their female coaches as their harem!

What Now?

I have been in awe of how much satan can throw at me lately. Doubts, insecurities, you name it, he's done it. I was challenged yesterday by a thought that came from (finally) watching the dvd for the study we will begin monday.I was reminded that sometimes when we are being attacked, God is allowing it to bring us closer to Him. It is so very true. Sometimes, we are dumb and we do dumb things and the result is not an attack but just our own stupidity. Other times, we endure attacks and we are aware that they are from the enemy trying to knock us down, only to be caught by the hands of our Father and lifted back up in fighting position. These seasons have been true in my life, but right now I feel they are not applicable. The season of attack I am experiencing is for my own growth. I feel like I am in a game of dodgeball all alone, and the enemy has unlimited balls. He is continually throwing them and I am hunched on the ground protecting anything my poor arms can cover. The Lord, however, is not deflecting the balls. He is instead standing next to me and making me aware of their coming. He is guiding me and forcing me to trust His voice. He can see how many balls the enemy has left, and if I simply listen to His voice I will make it out alive. I may have marks and bruises, but I will also have victory. You see, when you get into the ring with the devil, you better be prepared to fight! Staring a church is the same as challenging him to "bring it". I, however, underestimated that! EXTREMELY! I was ill-trained to fight someone with such knowledge. The beauty is, my trainer has all the experience I need. He has defeated my enemy! I can rest in knowing that His coaching will give me victory. The blows will eventually stop, but the lessons learned will definitely remain. It has almost become comical this week. I have watched what stress can do to me, and it is not pretty. Today, I am dealing with my computer. It has always been a good computer to me. I have only had it for a year, but it has done exactly what I asked of it. It is reliable and fast. Yesterday, however, it decided to freeze while installing the upgrades. I turned it off (I know, not the right thing to do) and rebooted it. After several black screens, I thought I was in the clear. Then, the windows installer box appeared. And appeared. And appeared. We could go on forever, because that is how much it did, but I won' t because I am sure you get it. I took all of my techie knowledge (none) and went to work. I defraged it. I ran scans. I updated every driver on my c drive. I tried to access it through other venues. Everything I tried failed, and I ended up just walking away. Today I decided to try again. With renewed energy, I turned it on, picked up my phone, and.... called a tech. His response? Everything I did already. I was actually impressed at first, until I realized I just paid a guy $30 to tell me nothing.He did, however, have one bit of knowledge I did not check the day before. I forgot about the event viewer. When I went there, I saw that my MSInstaller was hacked. The proof? An entire page of warnings with red triangles and exclamation points. I now get to pay someone to remove it (yay) so it can be my nice computer once again. Instead of finishing the last 5 things on my checklist, I will spend the day on Sammy's computer, changing user names and passwords. I am actually able to laugh today, though, because I know that I am going to make it through. I also know that this is happening for a reason. I just cannot wait to see what it is! Until then, I am praying and pressing on, knowing that the One who chose me for this will sustain me.