The Beauty of Being Broken

Sometimes I am hit with moments of nostalgia. Like at this past women's retreat. The guest musician sang a song(t though quite different than I remembered it) that brought back days from my youth. I had a similiar situation just this week. I was in Sammy's office printing things out for the very first CCIB women's study ever and I came across a little book. It was quite old. The cover was worn and the pages were yellowed, but it brought back so many memories. I was so stressed out, I decided to take a break and crack the book open. As I read briefly through the first few pages, waves of memories came over me. I was reminded of times when I was just a little girl. It was sunday evening, and I was a "big girl" and sat in the church service. I was often trying to follow along with my Pastor, but much of it was just over my head. I wasn't out of elementary school yet, and I definitely was not ready to dissect God's word. I was, however, quite excited when he would pull out this book. Many people would groan or roll their eyes, but it excited me. It gave me hope. You see, this book was about a young lady who loved Jesus. She wasn't a movie star or a famous person. She was a woman. A woman who simply loved Jesus and wanted to tell the world around her. That meant wherever she went. Her name was Ann Kimmel. Often those stories took place in everyday places, challenging people in ways they did not want to be bothered. This may be the reason why people groaned when he brought it out. All I knew is that, when my Pastor read this book it moved him to tears. It was in this reading that I saw his true heart. Even as a little girl, I realized that those tears were not because he was sad, but because he was happy. He understood. I didn't realize until years later  God would use this book to remind me of that. Being on this side of things, I realize something else. I realize that my Pastor knew who he was, and how much he needed Jesus himself. He knew that, although the road was hard and often lonely, it was worth it to see the hearts of the people turn to Jesus. Little did he know that, in sharing those wonderful stories from that small book so many years ago I would be ministered to.Starting a church is an exciting thing, there is no doubt about that. If you would have told me last year that in ten months the Lord would have us start a church, move into our own building,and hold our first women's bible study with 60 women I would not have believed you.Yet, here we are watching God move in spite of us, and we are humbled. I am often reduced to tears because of all that the Lord has seen fit to do through us. But I also know who I am, and how much I need Jesus. If there was ever a question before, it is gone! And yes, though this is exciting, it is also hard. God has asked hard things of me, seeking my full trust in Him. And it is often lonely. God is constantly challenging me to lay things down for His call in me. The result? Brokeness. It is not easy being broken. I was the kind of kid that broke everything, which is quite ironic if you know me now. I was careless and often covered in bruises. I was not a stranger to broken. But this is a different kind of broken. A beautiful broken. One that brings me to tears when I read about God's people doing His work. One that causes me to persevere through hard times. I am so amazed that one little book can remind me of so much, but I am so blessed that God uses little things in my life to put the big things in perspective. I am realizing that, when I am broken, I am able to allow His grace to renew me.