The End

To let go is a hard thing. This is where we find ourselves. Tomorrow, there will be a video shown to let the church know we will not return. It is bittersweet. I love the people and miss them dearly. I also know this is best. It is best for them and best for us. The hard part is letting go. It has made up so much of who I am. It has molded so many of my decisions and ideals. But just like that- it is over. Funny, it wasn't how I saw our life, but I am confident it is the right choice. I am only afraid that, if God ever sees fit to put us in a place of ministry, I would not be willing. I wish it were easy. That all the answers were black and white. However, I cannot lie. Life is messy. I know that now more than ever. It also leaves scars that harden us if we let them. So I pray. I pray I would not allow satan to have victory. That my heart would not grow calloused. That I will look back over the past few years and know that the good that came was worth the price it cost. I am not there yet, but I am confident because it is God who will do the work. I only have to come with an expectant, willing heart and open hands. Just when life seems too hard to bear or not worth the effort, I am reminded of His promises. I am encouraged by this truth: He is near to those who call upon His name. Regardless of our state, He remains the same. What an encouragement it is to kgnow that our God is a strong God who fights for us! He allows us to go through pain that we would hold tighter to Him. He gives us the strength to hold on, even when it feels like it is impossible. He restores our soul when it only sees anguish. He is sufficient, sympathetic, and gracious to His children. This is the hope I cling to in this time. The hope that I have seen in the past. The hope that has brought me to this place. Jesus- He is our hope. 

Life Lately

     What a weekend! I had the opportunity to hang out in Budapest with Leah. We went to see Cirque Du Soleil's Quidam. It was an amazing experience. I was blown away by their strength. This morning, I woke up exhausted from all the walking. I dragged myself out of bed to make it to devos. The person teaching hit a point that really impacted me. He said this: "rules and boundaries are good - and even necessary- but they cannot replace the work that happens in a life that is experiencing the Holy Spirit. Flesh cannot sanctify flesh." It was yet another reminder to me that Jesus wants to meet with me. He desires to fill us with His spirit so we can experience true victory. Rules are great. I love order and doing my best. The thing to watch out for is pride. Goodness cannot save us. One can be good, honorable, kind, giving, serving and still lack the sanctification that comes through the blood Jesus shed. It is only when we invest time in Our relationship with Jesus and wait upon Him that we see our need for His Holy Spirit. So much to take in! (Especially half asleep)
     Humility comes in many packages lately. The newest one? Hungarian worship songs. I cannot begin to tell you how hard it is to sing them. My mouth refuses to put the sounds together. My brain cannot make sense of the letters. I sang songs we have already done, but I couldn't even get through them. So frustrating! I have spent 2 hours phonetically writing out the songs so my brain will stop trying to read them. I am almost though 10,000 reasons. So sad. Only 2 more to go!
     Sickness has been rampant lately in our home. In this entire facility, actually. We have had it all. The past week my stomach issues began to resurface. It was kind of odd since I really haven't been eating. I am a little concerned with that, and sad because I don't want to go see a hungarian dr. I know it would be wise, because we will not have medical insurance when we first go back to the states, but the experiences we have had with the dr here has been pointless. They do no tests, not even an exam. They ask your symptom, then treat it. All for $100... No thanks!
     The weather has been beautiful this week! I even wore sandals and a sweatshirt (and got yelled at) yesterday. I was so excited that I grabbed a pair of Capri workout pants this morning. Reality hit when I looked at the temperature and it was 28 degrees... No capris for me! Cue layers.
     Amidst all that we have experienced the past 6 months here in Hungary, there has been a presence- a knowing I cannot explain- that has seen us through. Life is hard. People forget you. Everything changes. But reality awakens and shows you that life is so much more than you ever thought or knew it to be. That is the hope that keeps me going. There are less than 3 months left for us here in Hungary. There really is no plan after that. Anyone that knows me knows that this is so contrary to my personality. Yet God, with His peace, has given me a calm I cannot understand. People have so many questions. (Which will only increase in the next week or so). I have never said "I don't know" so much in my life! Living through the past few years has taught me one thing- no matter what you are going through, life will still go on. At times I honestly felt like I could not go on. God is faithful, and will remain so because He cannot deny Himself. There are still areas of my life that He has to repair, restore, and redeem. However, I am hopeful that He can remove the shards of my broken heart and replace them with a heart of flesh. This song has really ministered to me recently. It is called Sinking Deep. Listen to it and be blessed! Speaking of songs, I must get back to work!

Love the Lord

Blessed with this reminder today from Charles Spurgeon:

Hosea 3:1

The love of the Lord.

 

Believer, look back through all thine experience, and think of the way whereby the Lord thy God has led thee in the wilderness, and how He hath fed and clothed thee every day-how He hath borne with thine ill manners-how He hath put up with all thy murmurings, and all thy longings after the flesh-pots of Egypt-how He has opened the rock to supply thee, and fed thee with manna that came down from heaven. Think of how His grace has been sufficient for thee in all thy troubles-how His blood has been a pardon to thee in all thy sins-how His rod and His staff have comforted thee. When thou hast thus looked back upon the love of the Lord, then let faith survey His love in the future, for remember that Christ's covenant and blood have something more in them than the past. He who has loved thee and pardoned thee, shall never cease to love and pardon. He is Alpha, and He shall be Omega also: He is first, and He shall be last. Therefore, bethink thee, when thou shalt pass through the valley of the shadow of death, thou needest fear no evil, for He is with thee. When thou shalt stand in the cold floods of Jordan, thou needest not fear, for death cannot separate thee from His love; and when thou shalt come into the mysteries of eternity thou needest not tremble, "For I am persuaded, that neither death; nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Now, soul, is not thy love refreshed? Does not this make thee love Jesus? Doth not a flight through illimitable plains of the ether of love inflame thy heart and compel thee to delight thyself in the Lord thy God? Surely as we meditate on "the love of the Lord," our hearts burn within us, and we long to love Him more.

Good Night

I have come down with a cold. The past couple nights, I have taken NyQuil before bed, just to startle awake with vivid dreams. Sometimes they are strange, others are sad. Last night, I woke up in tears. It was funny because I had a hard time deciphering what was even real. I began to pray for the people in my dream. One by one, lifting them up. It is funny that they were all in the same dream together, as they are from different seasons of my life. One stuck out particularly. The image and situation that was concocted in my NyQuil dreamworld was incredibly sad. I prayed for her, her family, her spouse, her children, her ministry. I haven't talked to or seen her in some time, yet she was brought to memory. I am reminded that God is watching out for us. He is constantly interceding on our behalf. He brings us to the memories of others to cover us in prayers. I have never really spoken about dreams- nor do I believe that they all mean something. I do know that God has used my dreams to keep me in prayer for others. I have had dreams that I have seen similarities to later in life, but the outcome is not the same- victory comes instead of destruction. I have also had experiences where the dream I had would torment me, so I would pray all the more. Some are so bad I won't be able to go back to sleep. I sometimes pray that I would not have dreams at all. They can be horrible! Satan using them to shove things in my face and make me feel hopeless. Yet, it is nights like last that make me realize that we are more than conquerors- we have victory in Jesus. He is real and by praying  I can turn the horrible images and experiences of my dreams into blessing and fruit. The fight for our mind and heart never ends. How do you respond? Do you succumb to the temptation of defeat or do you stand up and chose you weapon? We have all we need in Jesus! He is fighting for us. It is such a comfort to remember He is always at work.

Control Issues :)

Control. It is so very hard to give up. I struggle constantly with it. It seems the more God asks for, the tighter I hold on. Women problems! Why do we have to have it "just so" all of the time? Today, I had a mental list of priorities. I had the order they needed to be done and the time they would each need. The problem? I had to do something outside of my mental list, which stressed me out. Then, it threw off the plan I had in my mind, and brought along frustration. This is a perfect picture of life. We try so hard to control every aspect of it. We have it mapped out in our head. It all seems great until something throws a wrench in your plan. We become thrown off and discontent. Our attitudes begin to change and we become angry, fearful, and even vengeful. We watch as the attitude of our heart reveals the selfishness of control. We feel like strangers. The bible has 2 "s" words that most of us fear. They are often absent when we try and play "God" in our life. They are submission and self-control. Does that seem right? Yes- I am afraid it does. When I try and control every aspect of my life, I am unable (and to be honest- unwilling) to submit. To God, to the authority in my life, even to my husband. Along comes the pent up emotions of my own plan failing, falling like bullets on those I love most. Self-control has been lost. Isn't it oddly ironic that we need to have some sort of control, but it is over our actions. Self- control is not control within ones self, but over it! This brings me hope. I will never have full control in this life. It is just not possible, because I am not the only person on this planet. I can, however, control the way I respond to life and it's disruptions. If I am submitted to God, and allowing Him to lead me, then the effects of change will be met with grace. In James 4, it says to submit to God. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to us. It also says to resist the devil and flee, all necessary actions if we want to be free of the monster known as control. Lord, help us daily to submit our hearts to You. Give us power to have self-control. Give us grace to allow room for You to lead us in life.

Another Day Goes By

     So much to do in a day! I am surprised at how quickly days seem to go by. Today, I finished sewing pillows, made arrows for my feature wall and oxidized them, made the pallet sign and oxidized it, made the fabric rosettes for said sign, and painted picture frames. Man, no wonder it flew by!
     This morning I began to research the next trip we plan to take. It will be the last we take before coming back to the states. 2 weeks of country-hopping. I am pretty excited! We will visit Paris, Versailles, Barcelona, Florence, Rome, Monte Carlo, Amsterdam, Prague, Vienna, Venice, Vatican City, Berlin, and Salzburg. That is 8 countries in all. We will need a vacation from our vacation! I am looking forward to this trip. It is the trip of a lifetime. The kids will love it. We will go by train. It will be interesting to say the least!
     We are meeting new families that are starting this semester, and it is an amazing thing. For the first time in our lives, we don't live in a fish bowl. We are not being watched, judged, or even obligated. It is so freeing. I am really going to enjoy coming back to the states and just being a normal person. Already we have met people who are in the same place as us, same age, same family situation. We don't have to be perfect or have the right words because we are the "pastor and his wife". We are just Sam and Kim. I can get used to having my own identity!
     Tonight, we babysat for 3 of the most adorable boys... 5,3,and 4 months. I miss babies! It was so refreshing! And nothing beats cuddling with a baby. Finished the night with fun games and new friends. If leaving wasn't going to be hard enough before, I believe it will really be hard now! It is amazing how you can meet someone and within 2 days feel like close friends. So is the body of Christ!
     Lately, I have been excited to start fresh and can even see myself venturing out into new territories. I read an article about how people change when they live abroad. I see it already. In all of us. It is a good thing we won't be going back to our same life, because it just doesn't make as much sense as it once did. I even find myself reflecting on the last 4 years and realizing how much I lived in fear and bondage to man and the decisions everyone made for me. One day I will tell my story. People will understand why my life turned a corner and went in another direction. Mainly, because they will see the Lord's hand in it. People ask me all the time if Sammy will ever teach again. They tell me how much they miss him or his leadership or worship. I realize that I was just along for the ride. He was the show. Being here has been comforting and healing for me. I have been my own person with my own value. It is nice to be appreciated for being me. Now for some much needed rest!

Live for Him!

I have had a pretty rough day today. Some days are easier than others. The bible tells us to love one another. It calls us to stand for righteousness. It tells us to be above reproach. It reminds us of the seriousness of sin. It beckons us to turn away from worthless things, unedifying things, and refrain from stumbling one another. It tells us we are free in Christ. But somewhere along the road, Christianity has turned into a fad. I am so bummed by it. People are living life as if they don't need to pursue righteousness. Instead of seeking to hit the bullseye, they just fail to even aim for it! Our Christian community is failing. We are refusing to be "set apart". The result? Many are unable to stand in the face of temptation. We are seeing so many fall apart. We are giving the devil the victory. He doesn't even have to try very hard, because we are much closer to the him than Jesus. Why? Why is it did important to have our own way? Our own comforts? My heart is breaking over the lack of people who are willing to stand firm in Jesus and His commandments. I am not talking radical fanatics who shove Jesus down the throat of everyone in the world who is contrary to their viewpoint. I am calling out to those who claim to be followers of Jesus. BE AN EXAMPLE! Sure you are free to indulge in------- because you are free in Christ, but why? Is it really worth it? Your freedom can stumble the weaker brother! If you are offended by this, than maybe you need to evaluate your life. Are you leaving those around you with the life that Jesus has to offer? Or are you just leaving them with the opinion that they can go to heaven and still live, speak, and act just the same as they do now? We are called to holiness. We cannot attain to that on our own. We need Jesus. Every day. Not everything this world has to entertain us. So friends, fellow believers, I pray that you would put God first. Above your self. Above your freedoms. Salvation is amazing, but we cannot live life as if it ends there. We are called to Go and make disciples. We are called to be lights. We are to be salt. Don't let your freedoms steal the flavor you have to give to this world that needs Jesus. Run the race to receive the prize! Just say no to "participation medals". If you are a follower of Jesus, then follow Jesus! Lord, give us Your eyes to see, Your heart to prefer others, and Your power to run this race. To God be the glory!