Planning

Planning
I am a planner. I like to make sure everything that can possibly go wrong has been thought through and a plan of action has been initiated. I like to have the ability to know exactly what may come up so there is a plan of combat and we continue on to our destination with minimal upset. So this trip- can I tell you how much I have had to pray? I have analyzed, planned, booked, basically done all but taken it. Yet I am still afraid of missing something. I am so afraid of it, that I have had to talk myself out of situations that don't even exist! I tell myself that it is because I want to make sure we have a great time and a flawless experience, but honestly? I just have a problem. Trust. I need to trust that, at the end of the day, we will arrive where we need to be. It is times like this that remind me how much work God still needs to do in me. I have had to quote Prov. 3:5-6 over and over this last year. I have watched so many things turn around simply by letting go of my own understanding and leaning on Him. Then, I do something with less of a life impact- like a family trip- and it all goes out the window! In comes my understanding, which is actually quite hilarious because I have never even been to any of the countries we are visiting, nor the hotels we are staying. I have not taken their trains, eaten in their establishments, nor visited their monuments. I have only researched it. Why would I have any actual understanding? Often times, it is the little things that bring me back to this reality. I CAN do this on my own. I CAN lean on my own understanding. I CAN gain all the knowledge and information the internet has to offer. Yet, it does not compare to experience. I am finding that in so many areas of my life. I have a choice to plan my own life leaning on my own understanding- which lacks experience. Or, I can lean on the Creator of my life, who knows me even more that I presume to know myself. He has a plan. He has ordained my days. My moments. He knows the road I had to travel and He was there through it all. The things I have gone through are not foreign to Him. He can relate to all of my experiences. He is our helper. He is our stronghold. He is our deliverer. He was before us and He will be after us. Why is it so hard to trust Him? He has never been anything but faithful! He is part of the big things, but He also loves the little things. Things that may not be of life-changing impact (like family trips) matter to Him because they matter to us. Being here in Hungary has been a huge magnifying glass. It reminds me that I may not matter to man, but I matter so much in the eyes of The Lord! Isn't that the most important thing? We are of value to Him. His goal is to lead us to a place where we are fully reliant on Him. A place where we can trust in The Lord with ALL our heart, acknowledging Him in ALL our ways. It is there we can reap the blessing of this promise: He WILL direct our path.

Good Grief!

     Today, my bible reading took me to the book I have managed to avoid since all this began. Job. We all know his story. We all respect him. None of us desire to be him. He was a prosperous man. A man who was loved, cherished, and blessed by God. He was also a man marked by satan. A man who was presumed to honor and serve God because of the love and blessings he had received. Satan was given a free pass at Job- barring death. Fun stuff.
     The reason I have avoided it is because I can relate a little more to this man. Due to the nature of my life, I understand the feelings of loss. Grief. We spend so much time trying to avoid it. (Like I tried to avoid this book) Ultimately, it will find us. In some way, shape, or form. Today, I read Job...
      Something that I found quite interesting is that, long before the gurus and medical world, this book shows us the stages of grief. As I read the first chapter- everything is stripped away. Job's response is that of disbelief- shock even. In that shock, he is reacting and doing the things he knows. Forgiveness is easily given, God is easily trusted. He is in the first stage of grief. Denial. He is not able to see the entirety of his loss. He is not even able to understand the depths of his loss. That leads us to stage two. Anger. He is frustrated and angry at his friends (who may mean well but just say the wrong things), his wife (who just wants his pain to be over, and probably is grieving also), even at God. He is angry, but he does not sin. That takes him into stage three. Bargaining. He begs The Lord to remove the hand of destruction from his life. Stage four? Depression. Job wishes he had died with all that was lost. He wishes that he were never born. That brings him to the last stage. Acceptance. He realizes that God is God, he is not. He cannot change what has happened in his life. He must accept it because they are things "I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know".
      How funny! I know the word of God is alive. I believe it is able to comfort us and has all the tools to live in this world. I cannot begin to express to you how comforting it is when the living word of God becomes alive in your circumstances. I have been avoiding this book because I believed it would put a magnifying glass on my suffering and bring me back to a place I didn't want to go.  I would be like an ant under that glass, the book of Job being the sunlight that burned down on me and would surely consume me. How wrong I was! I am so blessed to see that God has a plan. Even in the midst of our own misgivings and skepticism, His word is powerful and will reach down into the depths of darkness and dispel it with the rays of its light. Like sunbeams on our face, His word brings comfort and joy. It is that life that propels us to keep going.

3 weeks and counting!

The truth of it all is that every day will start and end. The difference is how you fit into it. What a concept. As we plan our EU trip, I am aware of this fact. 17 days- seems like a lot, right? Until you begin to add the content/countries/activities into them. Trying to narrow down what we actually want to experience and what we feel obligated to experience. Final decision? I am not exactly sure. I am so excited to go to Basque Country and see the country my Grandmother once called home. I look forward to gazing up at the ceilings in the Sistine Chapel, walking up the stairs to the top of the Eiffel Tower, riding gondolas, eating sea food, and hiking hills of splendor. I am excited as I book the trains and apartments. I cannot wait to see all the beauty Europe has to offer. This experience is going to be incredible. Sammy will spend his birthday in Paris {yes, he will probably go shopping :)} I am a little bummed that the ferry to Italy doesn't leave on the day we need it to. I am hoping to find a way around that. I am so glad we waited to do this until the end of our time. I needed the distance and change to settle so I can truly enjoy life no matter what my circumstance. The hardest part will be that we are doing it all by train. That means only a small amount of luggage! AHHHH! I pray Leah and I can do it! :) Get ready, because April will be swamped with pictures of gorgeous scenery! I cannot wait to use my camera.
This past thursday we went to Budapest to get some lunch. We tried a gluten free cafe. The woman was so sweet and asked where we were from originally. Once we told her, she asked us to go up to the gallery and sign the guestbook/drop a pin. I walked up to a table with a book and a map with pins. I laughed at how far we have come. I completely thought we were talking digital.
God has really been at work in my life. I have been able to experience the freedom of honesty. It is cathartic to be honest with myself, and to be honest with The Lord. I have had wonderful times of communion with Him in the morning, as well as times where I pour my heart out to Him. It brings such comfort to know that the one I aim to please is just as eager to be with me. I am feeling the weights of many years fall off at His feet. I am watching as He takes them and casts them off, as if they were light as a feather. Things I struggled to carry, ways I tried to endure, all scattered as ashes and drifting away. This reminds me of the verse in Matthew 11."Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." I often think of what that references. "His yoke is easy and His burden is light". Something cool about the word "easy" in Greek is that it means "well-fitting", or "tailor made". The yoke is specific to His people. It fits- well. Many of us women can understand this. We love when something fits just right. That is our promise when we Yoke ourselves to Jesus. The result? Our burden becomes lighter. He is helping us every step of the way. How hard have you fought against that yoke? I know I wrestled with it. Found my way out of it. Tugged at it like a dog on a leash. I realize that He has accepted me as I am, but tailor-made a plan for my life. I simply need to allow Him the freedom of leading the yoke. That is the next season we enter. I am counting the days until we return to the states (well, mainly Coco and yummy food). I will most likely spend less and less time on this blog and more and more time experiencing life. After all- life is for the living. I am ready to go live it!

The End

To let go is a hard thing. This is where we find ourselves. Tomorrow, there will be a video shown to let the church know we will not return. It is bittersweet. I love the people and miss them dearly. I also know this is best. It is best for them and best for us. The hard part is letting go. It has made up so much of who I am. It has molded so many of my decisions and ideals. But just like that- it is over. Funny, it wasn't how I saw our life, but I am confident it is the right choice. I am only afraid that, if God ever sees fit to put us in a place of ministry, I would not be willing. I wish it were easy. That all the answers were black and white. However, I cannot lie. Life is messy. I know that now more than ever. It also leaves scars that harden us if we let them. So I pray. I pray I would not allow satan to have victory. That my heart would not grow calloused. That I will look back over the past few years and know that the good that came was worth the price it cost. I am not there yet, but I am confident because it is God who will do the work. I only have to come with an expectant, willing heart and open hands. Just when life seems too hard to bear or not worth the effort, I am reminded of His promises. I am encouraged by this truth: He is near to those who call upon His name. Regardless of our state, He remains the same. What an encouragement it is to kgnow that our God is a strong God who fights for us! He allows us to go through pain that we would hold tighter to Him. He gives us the strength to hold on, even when it feels like it is impossible. He restores our soul when it only sees anguish. He is sufficient, sympathetic, and gracious to His children. This is the hope I cling to in this time. The hope that I have seen in the past. The hope that has brought me to this place. Jesus- He is our hope. 

Life Lately

     What a weekend! I had the opportunity to hang out in Budapest with Leah. We went to see Cirque Du Soleil's Quidam. It was an amazing experience. I was blown away by their strength. This morning, I woke up exhausted from all the walking. I dragged myself out of bed to make it to devos. The person teaching hit a point that really impacted me. He said this: "rules and boundaries are good - and even necessary- but they cannot replace the work that happens in a life that is experiencing the Holy Spirit. Flesh cannot sanctify flesh." It was yet another reminder to me that Jesus wants to meet with me. He desires to fill us with His spirit so we can experience true victory. Rules are great. I love order and doing my best. The thing to watch out for is pride. Goodness cannot save us. One can be good, honorable, kind, giving, serving and still lack the sanctification that comes through the blood Jesus shed. It is only when we invest time in Our relationship with Jesus and wait upon Him that we see our need for His Holy Spirit. So much to take in! (Especially half asleep)
     Humility comes in many packages lately. The newest one? Hungarian worship songs. I cannot begin to tell you how hard it is to sing them. My mouth refuses to put the sounds together. My brain cannot make sense of the letters. I sang songs we have already done, but I couldn't even get through them. So frustrating! I have spent 2 hours phonetically writing out the songs so my brain will stop trying to read them. I am almost though 10,000 reasons. So sad. Only 2 more to go!
     Sickness has been rampant lately in our home. In this entire facility, actually. We have had it all. The past week my stomach issues began to resurface. It was kind of odd since I really haven't been eating. I am a little concerned with that, and sad because I don't want to go see a hungarian dr. I know it would be wise, because we will not have medical insurance when we first go back to the states, but the experiences we have had with the dr here has been pointless. They do no tests, not even an exam. They ask your symptom, then treat it. All for $100... No thanks!
     The weather has been beautiful this week! I even wore sandals and a sweatshirt (and got yelled at) yesterday. I was so excited that I grabbed a pair of Capri workout pants this morning. Reality hit when I looked at the temperature and it was 28 degrees... No capris for me! Cue layers.
     Amidst all that we have experienced the past 6 months here in Hungary, there has been a presence- a knowing I cannot explain- that has seen us through. Life is hard. People forget you. Everything changes. But reality awakens and shows you that life is so much more than you ever thought or knew it to be. That is the hope that keeps me going. There are less than 3 months left for us here in Hungary. There really is no plan after that. Anyone that knows me knows that this is so contrary to my personality. Yet God, with His peace, has given me a calm I cannot understand. People have so many questions. (Which will only increase in the next week or so). I have never said "I don't know" so much in my life! Living through the past few years has taught me one thing- no matter what you are going through, life will still go on. At times I honestly felt like I could not go on. God is faithful, and will remain so because He cannot deny Himself. There are still areas of my life that He has to repair, restore, and redeem. However, I am hopeful that He can remove the shards of my broken heart and replace them with a heart of flesh. This song has really ministered to me recently. It is called Sinking Deep. Listen to it and be blessed! Speaking of songs, I must get back to work!

Love the Lord

Blessed with this reminder today from Charles Spurgeon:

Hosea 3:1

The love of the Lord.

 

Believer, look back through all thine experience, and think of the way whereby the Lord thy God has led thee in the wilderness, and how He hath fed and clothed thee every day-how He hath borne with thine ill manners-how He hath put up with all thy murmurings, and all thy longings after the flesh-pots of Egypt-how He has opened the rock to supply thee, and fed thee with manna that came down from heaven. Think of how His grace has been sufficient for thee in all thy troubles-how His blood has been a pardon to thee in all thy sins-how His rod and His staff have comforted thee. When thou hast thus looked back upon the love of the Lord, then let faith survey His love in the future, for remember that Christ's covenant and blood have something more in them than the past. He who has loved thee and pardoned thee, shall never cease to love and pardon. He is Alpha, and He shall be Omega also: He is first, and He shall be last. Therefore, bethink thee, when thou shalt pass through the valley of the shadow of death, thou needest fear no evil, for He is with thee. When thou shalt stand in the cold floods of Jordan, thou needest not fear, for death cannot separate thee from His love; and when thou shalt come into the mysteries of eternity thou needest not tremble, "For I am persuaded, that neither death; nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Now, soul, is not thy love refreshed? Does not this make thee love Jesus? Doth not a flight through illimitable plains of the ether of love inflame thy heart and compel thee to delight thyself in the Lord thy God? Surely as we meditate on "the love of the Lord," our hearts burn within us, and we long to love Him more.

Good Night

I have come down with a cold. The past couple nights, I have taken NyQuil before bed, just to startle awake with vivid dreams. Sometimes they are strange, others are sad. Last night, I woke up in tears. It was funny because I had a hard time deciphering what was even real. I began to pray for the people in my dream. One by one, lifting them up. It is funny that they were all in the same dream together, as they are from different seasons of my life. One stuck out particularly. The image and situation that was concocted in my NyQuil dreamworld was incredibly sad. I prayed for her, her family, her spouse, her children, her ministry. I haven't talked to or seen her in some time, yet she was brought to memory. I am reminded that God is watching out for us. He is constantly interceding on our behalf. He brings us to the memories of others to cover us in prayers. I have never really spoken about dreams- nor do I believe that they all mean something. I do know that God has used my dreams to keep me in prayer for others. I have had dreams that I have seen similarities to later in life, but the outcome is not the same- victory comes instead of destruction. I have also had experiences where the dream I had would torment me, so I would pray all the more. Some are so bad I won't be able to go back to sleep. I sometimes pray that I would not have dreams at all. They can be horrible! Satan using them to shove things in my face and make me feel hopeless. Yet, it is nights like last that make me realize that we are more than conquerors- we have victory in Jesus. He is real and by praying  I can turn the horrible images and experiences of my dreams into blessing and fruit. The fight for our mind and heart never ends. How do you respond? Do you succumb to the temptation of defeat or do you stand up and chose you weapon? We have all we need in Jesus! He is fighting for us. It is such a comfort to remember He is always at work.