Let Go and Let God

Last week, Sammy and I were blessed to celebrate our 14 year anniversary. It is crazy, but 14 years seem both far away and not so long ago. I remember the day he proposed and the months leading up to it as if they were a lifetime ago but just yesterday. I also remember the excitement of preparing for life on our own. We were young and had little but we knew we had the promises of the Lord. He had put us together, and we knew He would guide us in the direction he wanted us to go. We were engaged a year; apart for most of it. The times we were together were often spent running around for the wedding. We were so excited to begin the rest of our life that we kept pushing off the most important question: Where are we going to go after we get married? Call us naive, and we may have been, but we were not really worried about that tiny detail (haha). We were best friends and we loved each other, that was all we needed, right? Well, as the day grew near my excitement grew, but so did my anxiety. Were we doing the right thing, pushing off decisions like this? Our friends that were also getting married had their lives planned out and ready to go, yet we were still "waiting on the Lord to guide us". Needless to say, this did not sit well with many people as our wedding grew near. Our families, our friends, and especially those who watched me grow up in the church. My bridal shower was full of them. 50 of the most amazing women came to bless me and pray for me as I began the journey. I was quite embarrassed being the center of attention and with 50 people, the gift opening process was an event. Quirky things were said and embarrassing moments were had, and then it was time for cake. The cake was my (least) favorite kind, a gift form my (actually) great mother-in-law, so I continually refused piece after piece that was offered to me. This left me without an excuse when the first inquirer came to ask me what our plans were after the wedding. I proceeded to tell of our honeymoon destination, trying to avoid the question. It did not work. She clarified her question (in the most genuine way), so I had to let her know we weren't sure yet. What followed was a small lecture on being responsible and making sure you plan your life, having goals and charting budgets. I laughed inside and brushed it off. I was okay until the next one came, then the next one. I began to see that this was a problem that I probably should be concerned about, and began to grow anxious. Sensing my anxiety a friend, who was younger than me, put her arm around me and asked what I was feeling. I began to share with her the things that were weighing heavy on my heart. She looked at me, nodding and tilting her head in the appropriate counseling way. When I had let it all out, she dropped 5 little words on me. She said, "Let Go and Let God", took my hand and squeezed it, then walked away. I was perplexed. What did that even mean? Let go and let God? I thought that was just something church ladies said when they were afraid to say they didn't have any answers for why things were happening. I began to ponder that, and moved forward. We got married 3 weeks later, plan intact and excited! We were living on the campus of the bible college. This is probably the best thing that could have ever happened to us. Studying God's word on a beautiful resort, food made for us and housing provided (or 10x10 room), as well as a weight room and job for Sammy. We couldn't wait to see what God was going to do. That September, we began classes. Things were great until, the following month, I began to feel awful. I was tired all of the time and began to throw up every morning. I tried to avoid it, but deep down I knew what was wrong. Despite all of our planning and goals, I was pregnant. I was so angry! Didn't God know we had goals and plans? I had showed Him the list for approval, and having a baby was still 3 years away. I had to tell Sammy, and he tried his hardest (as a 19 year old, newly married guy) to be supportive. He could sense my disappointment and stayed strong for the both of us! We lived in married couple's row, and there were 2 other couples pregnant, so when I went to them, they were so excited! (at least someone was) They had no idea the sense of impending doom that was lurking inside of me. When their happy party was over, I shared my heart and the 22 year old (who was due in 3 months) said, "Just let go and let God". There it was again! I just never got it! I began to make it my pursuit to never hear that phrase again. I planned and navigated my life in a way that would allow me the comfort of having to deal with little unknown. We later moved back to San Diego and ran the Youth Ministry. We made mistakes, grew a lot, but mostly, we were content. We knew what God asked of us and where we fit into it. Then, one day, it all changed. Sammy received a call that would spark a different "call" on his life. You see, Sammy was never the guy that looked at youth ministry as a way up the pastoral ladder. It was life to him. He knew the importance of instilling Godliness in the kids at this time and had a heart for it. He was mightily used by God, and we can see the fruit of it. So, when God began to call him in this new direction, it only made sense that we PRAY about it. A lot. I was immediately on board to do whatever he felt called to do. I had my reservations, of course, but he was an amazing man of God who had never once taken me out of God's will, and had proven the trust I had in him. We began praying for a small town, just down the street from where I grew up, and watched as God gave us a heart for these people. We moved in and began a church in a town that has tried so many times and failed, yet has so very many churches. As we began to move forward in God's will a funny thing happened. People began to catch the vision. The Lord was really showing us that the vision for the church was to reach out to the community and show the love of God. We began to pour into the community and we are watching the amazing result of that. People are coming, excited and challenged to seek God. We were able to get our own building not even a year after the start of the church. God is doing amazing things, yet I was battling internally. You see, I was taking on all of these new roles and opened to new attacks from the enemy, and I was drowning. Drowning in insecurity. Drowning in incapability. Drowning in the fact that I am not worthy to be in this position. I was grabbing on anything I could to prevent me from spiraling down the hole of doubt that was threatening to consume me. This month has been the most difficult. We are spending so much time pouring into the church and less time together as a family. We are being attacked with sickness, stress, and various other things that satan wants to use to cause division. I was reflecting on this when I realized something. It was something that caused me to laugh out loud. I realized that I needed to let go and let God. I needed to stop grabbing the things I felt were secure and grab on to the only One who can give me security. So here, 14 years later, I have finally experienced what it means to let go and let God. It was so wonderful to know that, if I let go of the things I'm holding onto and put both hands tightly around Him, that He would see me through to safety. I am so blessed to be in this season and I know that God is going to do great things here in the city of IB. I want to leave you with this wonderful promise I read out of Jude today. It is verses 20-21: " But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourself in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life". Have a great day in the Lord!