http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y56nxe5HeFI

The story of my life!

It's Your Life... How Are You Going To Live It?

From the time I can remember, I have always been a people-pleaser. I have worked my hardest to stay in the good graces of everyone I came in contact with. I always tried my best to be kind. I gave and loved. I have lived my life for others. It has been a blessing and a curse. It has been an obvious blessing because I have been able to be a part of so many things bigger than me. I have seen the downfall of this more as of late. I am learning that I gave my life away. I see how I missed opportunities to do more and be more. I see how I allowed others to govern my life. I wanted to make everyone happy. I wanted to be found worthy. I wanted to be a blessing. Now, I am faced with a harsh reality. No matter how hard you try to please others, it is ultimately your life. You have to decide how and who you are living it for. That truth hurts. I must choose where to go with that.  Life will be lived. How am I going to live it? I realize in this season of being alone that I cannot throw out people, but I have to throw out my mentality. Struggling to do what is "right" for everyone else's sake is not going to fix anything. I have to look and see what God is calling me to do. This has caused me to separate myself from many friends to press into what God wants of me. It will take me from places I loved, and ultimately change my life. The longer I pray about it, the more I am strengthened. I am seeing that I can do all things in His strength. Even when it seems impossible. I am anxious to begin what is next. Unfortunately patience is not my strong suit! How ironic that I have to patiently wait to move on! It is like pulling a number and sitting at the DMV. You know what you have come for. You filled out all the paperwork. Now, you wait until your number is called so you can take care of business and move on to other things.
I am so blessed to see God working in our life. I know that He will continue to move and guide. I have been encouraged through His word, prayer, worship, and even nature around me. I am loving my kids more and more each day. They are such a blessing! I realize that everyone loves their kids, but I am so grateful that my kids also love me back. I have been enjoying my time with Leah. She is such a funny girl. She is growing up so fast! I miss having friends, but I love spending this time with my family. We have been listening to church online. The series is called "playlist" and it is going through the Psalms. It is cute to see Christian take the lead and ask what we think. It is sweet to hear Leah understanding the spiritual principles that are being taught. How quickly it all goes. Make the most of it! I know my life is going to be different, but I am glad I get to experience it with those I love most. It will bring various emotions and sometimes seem impossible. Yesterday I was listening to Beth Moore and something she said stuck out to me loudly. It was about a portion of scripture found in Deut. 8. It talks about the promised land. She explained that the difference between the wilderness and the promised land is that God no longer gives provision in its form. He takes us from the wilderness: a place where everything we need is provided and the brokenness of spirit is renewed. Then He brings us to the promised land: where we must take the provisions and  create what is needed. Now, before you freak out- I am not saying this means you begin to work on your own. No, it is a land where God provides for you, but you are required to act. You must plant the wheat, grow and water it, harvest it, break it down, bake bread with it. (This analogy is quite ironic being as I cannot even eat it!) It is the place where you are able to allow the Holy Spirit to work through you, as well as in you. I look forward to what and how God plans to work in our lives when we return to the states. Meanwhile, we will press into God while we wait in this gorgeous wilderness He has us in!

Sick :(

Can you find the drama frog I almost stepped on during a jog?

Today we had plans to go out and explore. Yesterday I felt sick. Today, I feel like death. Guess exploring will have to wait. Lord willing this will pass soon. I haven't had a stomach flu this bad I  awhile. At least not without Gatorade.
This week the weather dropped 20 degrees in a matter of days. The other night brought a storm so loud I felt like we were in a tent! The rain that followed the rest of the week has been beautiful. The cold is nice now that we can work the heater! Sweaters and scarfs. Gloves and beanies. Ahh fall, you are glorious! I am so sad that I have to spend today in bed instead of enjoying the train and exploring new cities. Oh well! Here's to watching Pride and Prejudice for the 5th time and drinking detox tea in hopes of a better tomorrow! Happy weekend!

Remember this...

"The simple fact of being in the presence of The Lord and of showing Him all that I think, feel, sense, and experience without trying to hide anything, must please Him. Somehow, somewhere, I know that He loves me, even though I do not feel that love as I can feel a human embrace, even though I do not hear a voice as I hear human words of consolation. God is greater than my senses, greater than my thoughts, greater than my heart. I do believe He touches me in places that are unknown even to myself." Henri J M Nouwen


Today's reminder to myself in this: To seek God means that I must first allow myself to be found by Him.

Hope in Him

Pumpkins are always better when you pick them!

                                           
                                                    Hope is the thing with feathers
                                                         That perches in the soul
                                                And sings the tune without the words
                                                           And never stops at all.
                                                               Emily Dickinson

Some days feel hopeless. Everything seems so meaningless. Then I am reminded that my life only has meaning when it is centered in God's will. The hard part is to do it! What is God's will for me? Where do I find hope in this life I am living? How can I remain focused on God instead of becoming consumed with my feelings (or lack there of)? Choice. I have to choose. Many choices have been made for me, but hope is my choice. I get to look ahead through the promise that God will never leave me nor forsake me. I have to believe that He is preparing the future even as I fret in the present. I must allow Him to take the past and cover it in His blinding grace that washes away the pain and sorrow of death. Hope. It is in all of us. The desire for things to change. To become better. To be true. My life has been a sort of roller coaster when it comes to hope. I was an optimistic  child. Then, as life etched away at my bright ideals, I slowly watched my hope dissipate. Little by little it ran down the drain. Here I am, so many years later, trying to replenish the hope that has all but gone dry. Fighting to trust that God can saturate this life with Him and renew the death with life. Clinging to Him in the midst of agony and fear and trying to make godly decisions in the choices that are before me. I am reminded of a song from high school by a group called PFR. It was called "where is God in all of this". I know He is here, but I am at a loss. How do you move on when everything seems so bleak? Hope. I will choose to have hope in The Lord.
His promise is that I will receive it. It just may not look like I thought it would!


Lamentations 3:25 NIV
"The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him"

Tuesdays are...

I am sitting here watching Leah do gymnastics. We thought coming to Hungary would tell us if she was through or if she would want to keep going. I believe she wants this. I am watching her work on form, try things she basically refused to do back home (for years), and apply herself as well as the corrections given. It is funny to think that this girl almost quit. Here she is now, having missed 2 months and grown a couple inches, having to work really hard. Probably harder than the times she wanted to give up. She has committed to running with me to keep up her cardio, she has been strength training with her dad, she has shown a drive that has been nonexistent up until now. We wondered how she would respond to this. Would she give up? Would she decide to pursue other things? Yet today, I see her. Determined. Focused. Choosing to work hard for something she deems worthy. What more can a mother ask for? I am blessed by watching her. Instead of looking at her circumstances and deciding it makes more sense to give up and move on, she stayed put and worked harder. How is it that we can learn from our children's responses? Aren't we supposed to be teaching them? Praise God that He is at work. I see His hand, even in moments like this!

The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Yesterday I ventured out on a new road. I decided to venture outside of the quaint city road I have been jogging along. When I reached the square, I decided to make a left on the road that leads to Palfa. I have been terrified of this road. It is a little curvy, no sidewalk, 2 lane, cars and buses going 80mph+, and laden with bugs! Throw in the uneven gravel and you can see why I was certain it would be my last journey! It was just that I needed more time. I needed to clear my head. Get it to stop. Boy did it work! Between dodging holes and bugs I was occupied. Add to that the heart attacks from speeding vehicles and it made for my best timed miles ever! Who knew impending death would speed a person up?
On the way back, I began to get overheated. I was forced to stop about 6 mi in. Once I did, I began to look around me. How was it that I did not notice how incredibly beautiful everything was? I was literally right next to a river I didn't even notice! I ran right past a herd of cattle grazing. I passed many scenes of splendor. Why? Because I was so focused on where I was going. Occupied with what lied ahead. As I sat on the stairs that led down to the river, I thought of the things I was running from. The thoughts I was trying to push out of my mind; that had ultimately led me here.
I have really been struggling lately. I could tell you all the areas and what not, but the bottom line is trust. Not people trust- God trust. I have been searching for answers I already know. I have been killing myself to go around the one thing He has asked of me. I can see it. When I dig into the center of my heart, the core of it is me- selfish me. As I have gone through the account of Saul and David, I have really been struggling through it. Mainly, because I am looking more like Saul and less like David. Saul is searching. He was given a position of King. He blew it. David came into the picture. Saul sought David- hunted him even. David never responded in vengeance. It got to the point where Saul was ending the chapter praising David and God, and starting the next chapter hunting him. Saul got to the point that he wanted to hear God so badly, he went in disguise to a medium to hear from Samuel, who was dead. Man, how do we get that far? How does one get so messed up? Easy- self-reliance. Saul relied on his abilities. Yet, he was not secure in them. Everything about his reign shows us that. After reading, I started the second lesson of the Beth Moore series I am listening to. That was what started the entire running journey. As I was listening, it was on trust. She was sharing the verses Deut 6:4-9. Look it up if you don't know it already! Verses 4-5 were particularly difficult because it required something I have not wanted. I hear what God is asking and I know Who He is, but am I doing it? Do I love The Lord with all my heart and with all my strength and with all my might? Sadly, I had to confess the answer to that. I couldn't as I was reading and listening, but when I ran down that road, I realized I knew the answer already. I did not. Because if I did, the center of my heart would be Him. I would trust Him. The past few years have been like that two-lane road. Plodding along, not taking time to stop and see what is around me. Not trusting God with what He is doing. There is so much to be said about solitude and hearing God's truth. I am learning that I may not always like what I hear, but it is so wonderful to know that God is always there to speak!
"Who is like You, O Lord!"