goodbye

Goodbye

As we move forward in our lives, it is time to say goodbye to so many things. This blog is one of them. I realize that there is so much healing that needs to happen in my heart. I am going to put my focus on other things. I will still write the things in my heart, but they will be something for me to look back on and see the growth in my life. Thank you for traveling this road with me. Until we meet again!

Hard Truths

"God never asked us to trust people. He has asked us to trust Him"

I came across the quote the other day and it really challenged me. I have always known this fundamental truth, but never have I actually thought about its meaning. Do I trust people too much? Prior to this last trial in my life I would have said no, but being on this side of things I realize that the answer is yes. I trusted in people as if they were able to fulfill my happiness, hope, or really anything. As people, we should strive to be trustworthy. It is the example God has set before us. As individuals, we have to be careful. We cannot place trust on people that should only be placed on The Lord. We are flawed. All of us. We will all fail at some point in life. Someone will also fail you. Maybe multiple people. Trust may be broken and you may be afraid to allow them close again. This is where the reminder comes in. God asks us to trust Him. Did they hurt you? Trust Him. Did they lie to you? Trust Him. Did they damage parts of you that feel as if they cannot be repaired? Trust Him. That was an easy thing to encourage when I was surrounded by comfort and ease. When I believed to know where my life was going and the people I aligned myself with. Now, faced with the truth, my heart wants to hide in its safe cage. The walls that keep people out. The problem? It is contrary to the way God has called us to live. We have been delivered from bondage. He has set the captives free. That includes you and me. You may find that you have to walk down a road you don't understand with someone you don't trust. God reminds us that He is walking with us and He is so deserving of our trust. It may seem dark right now. It is never dark for The Lord! You may be in a place where you don't want to trust anyone. That is where this quote comes in. Trust God. He will take care of those around you. He will provide the strength to keep walking.

The Countdown Begins!

Now that our trip has come and gone, the countdown begins! Soon we will have the ability to make good food. Soon we will hug our doggy. Soon we will see family. As exciting as that is, there are a ton of unknowns to return to. It is easy to wish for time to go slowly. Here, we are protected. Provided for. We have a shelter. Going back brings some fear. While we are not going back to the same life, we are still going back to life. The time here has been like a pause button. When we return, the play button will be pressed. We will go back to living in the "real" world. The problems we left behind will be there waiting. The fears have started to wiggle there way through the joy. I am so glad that our hope is in Jesus. He is my anchor. I am clinging onto that anchor, ready for the waves to come. Funny that I should have fear. The waves that beat me up and tossed me to shore, left for dead, were not successful. Why am I afraid of a storm I already endured? Why is it so hard to believe the promise of a Father who has been so faithful in my life? Today, my prayer is that I would believe Jesus to be who He says He is in MY life. Not for others or hypothetically, but in the insurmountable walls that hide the future from my sight. That His peace would reign in my heart. That I would rest on the knowledge that He who began a good work is faithful to complete it. Tonight, as silence surrounds me, I choose to place my trust in a God who sees the entirety of my life. Who knows me in my secret heart and loves me despite my fear. What comfort we have in all things with Christ at the head of the ship, sailing through the sea of uncharted territories. "He is able, more than able, to accomplish what concerns me today. He is able, more than able, to handle anything that comes my way. He is able, more than able, to do much more than I can ever dream. He is able, more than able, to make me what He wants me to be."

He is Risen!

This Easter, we will be traveling all day on a train back to France. It has been a strange year for our family. We have learned to adjust to a life filled with time and happily accommodated to the slow pace we now take. Yet the holidays are a reminder. The loneliness of celebrating holidays without a church family. The reminder that it will be awhile before things will actually be normal again. That said, this Easter we are no less grateful for the blood that was shed. I am actually more grateful than I have ever been before! Without that blood, my life would be a mess. Without His grace, I would be alone. Without His promise, I would be without hope. We are blessed. In the midst of the pain and sorrow of life, we have a Savior who walked a road so much rougher than mine. He was betrayed so much deeper, beaten so much harder, an ultimately paid the price for my sin and shame. All without a word. He was willing to bear the cost- pay the price. He did it with many mockers. He did it with many accusers. He did not defend His honor. He laid down His rights. He counted the cost. In the end, we were worth it. No matter how much we have failed, He still considers us a worthy investment. What a blessed Redeemer we have. This Jesus- our Savior- Has risen from the dead victoriously so that we too may experience victory! The sweet blood of Jesus that washes over me and purges my sin to make me holy. All because He loves me. He loves you, too. It is that love that draws us into His presence and strengthens us to keep fighting in this life. 

Planning

Planning
I am a planner. I like to make sure everything that can possibly go wrong has been thought through and a plan of action has been initiated. I like to have the ability to know exactly what may come up so there is a plan of combat and we continue on to our destination with minimal upset. So this trip- can I tell you how much I have had to pray? I have analyzed, planned, booked, basically done all but taken it. Yet I am still afraid of missing something. I am so afraid of it, that I have had to talk myself out of situations that don't even exist! I tell myself that it is because I want to make sure we have a great time and a flawless experience, but honestly? I just have a problem. Trust. I need to trust that, at the end of the day, we will arrive where we need to be. It is times like this that remind me how much work God still needs to do in me. I have had to quote Prov. 3:5-6 over and over this last year. I have watched so many things turn around simply by letting go of my own understanding and leaning on Him. Then, I do something with less of a life impact- like a family trip- and it all goes out the window! In comes my understanding, which is actually quite hilarious because I have never even been to any of the countries we are visiting, nor the hotels we are staying. I have not taken their trains, eaten in their establishments, nor visited their monuments. I have only researched it. Why would I have any actual understanding? Often times, it is the little things that bring me back to this reality. I CAN do this on my own. I CAN lean on my own understanding. I CAN gain all the knowledge and information the internet has to offer. Yet, it does not compare to experience. I am finding that in so many areas of my life. I have a choice to plan my own life leaning on my own understanding- which lacks experience. Or, I can lean on the Creator of my life, who knows me even more that I presume to know myself. He has a plan. He has ordained my days. My moments. He knows the road I had to travel and He was there through it all. The things I have gone through are not foreign to Him. He can relate to all of my experiences. He is our helper. He is our stronghold. He is our deliverer. He was before us and He will be after us. Why is it so hard to trust Him? He has never been anything but faithful! He is part of the big things, but He also loves the little things. Things that may not be of life-changing impact (like family trips) matter to Him because they matter to us. Being here in Hungary has been a huge magnifying glass. It reminds me that I may not matter to man, but I matter so much in the eyes of The Lord! Isn't that the most important thing? We are of value to Him. His goal is to lead us to a place where we are fully reliant on Him. A place where we can trust in The Lord with ALL our heart, acknowledging Him in ALL our ways. It is there we can reap the blessing of this promise: He WILL direct our path.

Good Grief!

     Today, my bible reading took me to the book I have managed to avoid since all this began. Job. We all know his story. We all respect him. None of us desire to be him. He was a prosperous man. A man who was loved, cherished, and blessed by God. He was also a man marked by satan. A man who was presumed to honor and serve God because of the love and blessings he had received. Satan was given a free pass at Job- barring death. Fun stuff.
     The reason I have avoided it is because I can relate a little more to this man. Due to the nature of my life, I understand the feelings of loss. Grief. We spend so much time trying to avoid it. (Like I tried to avoid this book) Ultimately, it will find us. In some way, shape, or form. Today, I read Job...
      Something that I found quite interesting is that, long before the gurus and medical world, this book shows us the stages of grief. As I read the first chapter- everything is stripped away. Job's response is that of disbelief- shock even. In that shock, he is reacting and doing the things he knows. Forgiveness is easily given, God is easily trusted. He is in the first stage of grief. Denial. He is not able to see the entirety of his loss. He is not even able to understand the depths of his loss. That leads us to stage two. Anger. He is frustrated and angry at his friends (who may mean well but just say the wrong things), his wife (who just wants his pain to be over, and probably is grieving also), even at God. He is angry, but he does not sin. That takes him into stage three. Bargaining. He begs The Lord to remove the hand of destruction from his life. Stage four? Depression. Job wishes he had died with all that was lost. He wishes that he were never born. That brings him to the last stage. Acceptance. He realizes that God is God, he is not. He cannot change what has happened in his life. He must accept it because they are things "I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know".
      How funny! I know the word of God is alive. I believe it is able to comfort us and has all the tools to live in this world. I cannot begin to express to you how comforting it is when the living word of God becomes alive in your circumstances. I have been avoiding this book because I believed it would put a magnifying glass on my suffering and bring me back to a place I didn't want to go.  I would be like an ant under that glass, the book of Job being the sunlight that burned down on me and would surely consume me. How wrong I was! I am so blessed to see that God has a plan. Even in the midst of our own misgivings and skepticism, His word is powerful and will reach down into the depths of darkness and dispel it with the rays of its light. Like sunbeams on our face, His word brings comfort and joy. It is that life that propels us to keep going.

3 weeks and counting!

The truth of it all is that every day will start and end. The difference is how you fit into it. What a concept. As we plan our EU trip, I am aware of this fact. 17 days- seems like a lot, right? Until you begin to add the content/countries/activities into them. Trying to narrow down what we actually want to experience and what we feel obligated to experience. Final decision? I am not exactly sure. I am so excited to go to Basque Country and see the country my Grandmother once called home. I look forward to gazing up at the ceilings in the Sistine Chapel, walking up the stairs to the top of the Eiffel Tower, riding gondolas, eating sea food, and hiking hills of splendor. I am excited as I book the trains and apartments. I cannot wait to see all the beauty Europe has to offer. This experience is going to be incredible. Sammy will spend his birthday in Paris {yes, he will probably go shopping :)} I am a little bummed that the ferry to Italy doesn't leave on the day we need it to. I am hoping to find a way around that. I am so glad we waited to do this until the end of our time. I needed the distance and change to settle so I can truly enjoy life no matter what my circumstance. The hardest part will be that we are doing it all by train. That means only a small amount of luggage! AHHHH! I pray Leah and I can do it! :) Get ready, because April will be swamped with pictures of gorgeous scenery! I cannot wait to use my camera.
This past thursday we went to Budapest to get some lunch. We tried a gluten free cafe. The woman was so sweet and asked where we were from originally. Once we told her, she asked us to go up to the gallery and sign the guestbook/drop a pin. I walked up to a table with a book and a map with pins. I laughed at how far we have come. I completely thought we were talking digital.
God has really been at work in my life. I have been able to experience the freedom of honesty. It is cathartic to be honest with myself, and to be honest with The Lord. I have had wonderful times of communion with Him in the morning, as well as times where I pour my heart out to Him. It brings such comfort to know that the one I aim to please is just as eager to be with me. I am feeling the weights of many years fall off at His feet. I am watching as He takes them and casts them off, as if they were light as a feather. Things I struggled to carry, ways I tried to endure, all scattered as ashes and drifting away. This reminds me of the verse in Matthew 11."Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." I often think of what that references. "His yoke is easy and His burden is light". Something cool about the word "easy" in Greek is that it means "well-fitting", or "tailor made". The yoke is specific to His people. It fits- well. Many of us women can understand this. We love when something fits just right. That is our promise when we Yoke ourselves to Jesus. The result? Our burden becomes lighter. He is helping us every step of the way. How hard have you fought against that yoke? I know I wrestled with it. Found my way out of it. Tugged at it like a dog on a leash. I realize that He has accepted me as I am, but tailor-made a plan for my life. I simply need to allow Him the freedom of leading the yoke. That is the next season we enter. I am counting the days until we return to the states (well, mainly Coco and yummy food). I will most likely spend less and less time on this blog and more and more time experiencing life. After all- life is for the living. I am ready to go live it!

The End

To let go is a hard thing. This is where we find ourselves. Tomorrow, there will be a video shown to let the church know we will not return. It is bittersweet. I love the people and miss them dearly. I also know this is best. It is best for them and best for us. The hard part is letting go. It has made up so much of who I am. It has molded so many of my decisions and ideals. But just like that- it is over. Funny, it wasn't how I saw our life, but I am confident it is the right choice. I am only afraid that, if God ever sees fit to put us in a place of ministry, I would not be willing. I wish it were easy. That all the answers were black and white. However, I cannot lie. Life is messy. I know that now more than ever. It also leaves scars that harden us if we let them. So I pray. I pray I would not allow satan to have victory. That my heart would not grow calloused. That I will look back over the past few years and know that the good that came was worth the price it cost. I am not there yet, but I am confident because it is God who will do the work. I only have to come with an expectant, willing heart and open hands. Just when life seems too hard to bear or not worth the effort, I am reminded of His promises. I am encouraged by this truth: He is near to those who call upon His name. Regardless of our state, He remains the same. What an encouragement it is to kgnow that our God is a strong God who fights for us! He allows us to go through pain that we would hold tighter to Him. He gives us the strength to hold on, even when it feels like it is impossible. He restores our soul when it only sees anguish. He is sufficient, sympathetic, and gracious to His children. This is the hope I cling to in this time. The hope that I have seen in the past. The hope that has brought me to this place. Jesus- He is our hope. 

Life Lately

     What a weekend! I had the opportunity to hang out in Budapest with Leah. We went to see Cirque Du Soleil's Quidam. It was an amazing experience. I was blown away by their strength. This morning, I woke up exhausted from all the walking. I dragged myself out of bed to make it to devos. The person teaching hit a point that really impacted me. He said this: "rules and boundaries are good - and even necessary- but they cannot replace the work that happens in a life that is experiencing the Holy Spirit. Flesh cannot sanctify flesh." It was yet another reminder to me that Jesus wants to meet with me. He desires to fill us with His spirit so we can experience true victory. Rules are great. I love order and doing my best. The thing to watch out for is pride. Goodness cannot save us. One can be good, honorable, kind, giving, serving and still lack the sanctification that comes through the blood Jesus shed. It is only when we invest time in Our relationship with Jesus and wait upon Him that we see our need for His Holy Spirit. So much to take in! (Especially half asleep)
     Humility comes in many packages lately. The newest one? Hungarian worship songs. I cannot begin to tell you how hard it is to sing them. My mouth refuses to put the sounds together. My brain cannot make sense of the letters. I sang songs we have already done, but I couldn't even get through them. So frustrating! I have spent 2 hours phonetically writing out the songs so my brain will stop trying to read them. I am almost though 10,000 reasons. So sad. Only 2 more to go!
     Sickness has been rampant lately in our home. In this entire facility, actually. We have had it all. The past week my stomach issues began to resurface. It was kind of odd since I really haven't been eating. I am a little concerned with that, and sad because I don't want to go see a hungarian dr. I know it would be wise, because we will not have medical insurance when we first go back to the states, but the experiences we have had with the dr here has been pointless. They do no tests, not even an exam. They ask your symptom, then treat it. All for $100... No thanks!
     The weather has been beautiful this week! I even wore sandals and a sweatshirt (and got yelled at) yesterday. I was so excited that I grabbed a pair of Capri workout pants this morning. Reality hit when I looked at the temperature and it was 28 degrees... No capris for me! Cue layers.
     Amidst all that we have experienced the past 6 months here in Hungary, there has been a presence- a knowing I cannot explain- that has seen us through. Life is hard. People forget you. Everything changes. But reality awakens and shows you that life is so much more than you ever thought or knew it to be. That is the hope that keeps me going. There are less than 3 months left for us here in Hungary. There really is no plan after that. Anyone that knows me knows that this is so contrary to my personality. Yet God, with His peace, has given me a calm I cannot understand. People have so many questions. (Which will only increase in the next week or so). I have never said "I don't know" so much in my life! Living through the past few years has taught me one thing- no matter what you are going through, life will still go on. At times I honestly felt like I could not go on. God is faithful, and will remain so because He cannot deny Himself. There are still areas of my life that He has to repair, restore, and redeem. However, I am hopeful that He can remove the shards of my broken heart and replace them with a heart of flesh. This song has really ministered to me recently. It is called Sinking Deep. Listen to it and be blessed! Speaking of songs, I must get back to work!

Love the Lord

Blessed with this reminder today from Charles Spurgeon:

Hosea 3:1

The love of the Lord.

 

Believer, look back through all thine experience, and think of the way whereby the Lord thy God has led thee in the wilderness, and how He hath fed and clothed thee every day-how He hath borne with thine ill manners-how He hath put up with all thy murmurings, and all thy longings after the flesh-pots of Egypt-how He has opened the rock to supply thee, and fed thee with manna that came down from heaven. Think of how His grace has been sufficient for thee in all thy troubles-how His blood has been a pardon to thee in all thy sins-how His rod and His staff have comforted thee. When thou hast thus looked back upon the love of the Lord, then let faith survey His love in the future, for remember that Christ's covenant and blood have something more in them than the past. He who has loved thee and pardoned thee, shall never cease to love and pardon. He is Alpha, and He shall be Omega also: He is first, and He shall be last. Therefore, bethink thee, when thou shalt pass through the valley of the shadow of death, thou needest fear no evil, for He is with thee. When thou shalt stand in the cold floods of Jordan, thou needest not fear, for death cannot separate thee from His love; and when thou shalt come into the mysteries of eternity thou needest not tremble, "For I am persuaded, that neither death; nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Now, soul, is not thy love refreshed? Does not this make thee love Jesus? Doth not a flight through illimitable plains of the ether of love inflame thy heart and compel thee to delight thyself in the Lord thy God? Surely as we meditate on "the love of the Lord," our hearts burn within us, and we long to love Him more.

Good Night

I have come down with a cold. The past couple nights, I have taken NyQuil before bed, just to startle awake with vivid dreams. Sometimes they are strange, others are sad. Last night, I woke up in tears. It was funny because I had a hard time deciphering what was even real. I began to pray for the people in my dream. One by one, lifting them up. It is funny that they were all in the same dream together, as they are from different seasons of my life. One stuck out particularly. The image and situation that was concocted in my NyQuil dreamworld was incredibly sad. I prayed for her, her family, her spouse, her children, her ministry. I haven't talked to or seen her in some time, yet she was brought to memory. I am reminded that God is watching out for us. He is constantly interceding on our behalf. He brings us to the memories of others to cover us in prayers. I have never really spoken about dreams- nor do I believe that they all mean something. I do know that God has used my dreams to keep me in prayer for others. I have had dreams that I have seen similarities to later in life, but the outcome is not the same- victory comes instead of destruction. I have also had experiences where the dream I had would torment me, so I would pray all the more. Some are so bad I won't be able to go back to sleep. I sometimes pray that I would not have dreams at all. They can be horrible! Satan using them to shove things in my face and make me feel hopeless. Yet, it is nights like last that make me realize that we are more than conquerors- we have victory in Jesus. He is real and by praying  I can turn the horrible images and experiences of my dreams into blessing and fruit. The fight for our mind and heart never ends. How do you respond? Do you succumb to the temptation of defeat or do you stand up and chose you weapon? We have all we need in Jesus! He is fighting for us. It is such a comfort to remember He is always at work.

Control Issues :)

Control. It is so very hard to give up. I struggle constantly with it. It seems the more God asks for, the tighter I hold on. Women problems! Why do we have to have it "just so" all of the time? Today, I had a mental list of priorities. I had the order they needed to be done and the time they would each need. The problem? I had to do something outside of my mental list, which stressed me out. Then, it threw off the plan I had in my mind, and brought along frustration. This is a perfect picture of life. We try so hard to control every aspect of it. We have it mapped out in our head. It all seems great until something throws a wrench in your plan. We become thrown off and discontent. Our attitudes begin to change and we become angry, fearful, and even vengeful. We watch as the attitude of our heart reveals the selfishness of control. We feel like strangers. The bible has 2 "s" words that most of us fear. They are often absent when we try and play "God" in our life. They are submission and self-control. Does that seem right? Yes- I am afraid it does. When I try and control every aspect of my life, I am unable (and to be honest- unwilling) to submit. To God, to the authority in my life, even to my husband. Along comes the pent up emotions of my own plan failing, falling like bullets on those I love most. Self-control has been lost. Isn't it oddly ironic that we need to have some sort of control, but it is over our actions. Self- control is not control within ones self, but over it! This brings me hope. I will never have full control in this life. It is just not possible, because I am not the only person on this planet. I can, however, control the way I respond to life and it's disruptions. If I am submitted to God, and allowing Him to lead me, then the effects of change will be met with grace. In James 4, it says to submit to God. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to us. It also says to resist the devil and flee, all necessary actions if we want to be free of the monster known as control. Lord, help us daily to submit our hearts to You. Give us power to have self-control. Give us grace to allow room for You to lead us in life.

Another Day Goes By

     So much to do in a day! I am surprised at how quickly days seem to go by. Today, I finished sewing pillows, made arrows for my feature wall and oxidized them, made the pallet sign and oxidized it, made the fabric rosettes for said sign, and painted picture frames. Man, no wonder it flew by!
     This morning I began to research the next trip we plan to take. It will be the last we take before coming back to the states. 2 weeks of country-hopping. I am pretty excited! We will visit Paris, Versailles, Barcelona, Florence, Rome, Monte Carlo, Amsterdam, Prague, Vienna, Venice, Vatican City, Berlin, and Salzburg. That is 8 countries in all. We will need a vacation from our vacation! I am looking forward to this trip. It is the trip of a lifetime. The kids will love it. We will go by train. It will be interesting to say the least!
     We are meeting new families that are starting this semester, and it is an amazing thing. For the first time in our lives, we don't live in a fish bowl. We are not being watched, judged, or even obligated. It is so freeing. I am really going to enjoy coming back to the states and just being a normal person. Already we have met people who are in the same place as us, same age, same family situation. We don't have to be perfect or have the right words because we are the "pastor and his wife". We are just Sam and Kim. I can get used to having my own identity!
     Tonight, we babysat for 3 of the most adorable boys... 5,3,and 4 months. I miss babies! It was so refreshing! And nothing beats cuddling with a baby. Finished the night with fun games and new friends. If leaving wasn't going to be hard enough before, I believe it will really be hard now! It is amazing how you can meet someone and within 2 days feel like close friends. So is the body of Christ!
     Lately, I have been excited to start fresh and can even see myself venturing out into new territories. I read an article about how people change when they live abroad. I see it already. In all of us. It is a good thing we won't be going back to our same life, because it just doesn't make as much sense as it once did. I even find myself reflecting on the last 4 years and realizing how much I lived in fear and bondage to man and the decisions everyone made for me. One day I will tell my story. People will understand why my life turned a corner and went in another direction. Mainly, because they will see the Lord's hand in it. People ask me all the time if Sammy will ever teach again. They tell me how much they miss him or his leadership or worship. I realize that I was just along for the ride. He was the show. Being here has been comforting and healing for me. I have been my own person with my own value. It is nice to be appreciated for being me. Now for some much needed rest!

Live for Him!

I have had a pretty rough day today. Some days are easier than others. The bible tells us to love one another. It calls us to stand for righteousness. It tells us to be above reproach. It reminds us of the seriousness of sin. It beckons us to turn away from worthless things, unedifying things, and refrain from stumbling one another. It tells us we are free in Christ. But somewhere along the road, Christianity has turned into a fad. I am so bummed by it. People are living life as if they don't need to pursue righteousness. Instead of seeking to hit the bullseye, they just fail to even aim for it! Our Christian community is failing. We are refusing to be "set apart". The result? Many are unable to stand in the face of temptation. We are seeing so many fall apart. We are giving the devil the victory. He doesn't even have to try very hard, because we are much closer to the him than Jesus. Why? Why is it did important to have our own way? Our own comforts? My heart is breaking over the lack of people who are willing to stand firm in Jesus and His commandments. I am not talking radical fanatics who shove Jesus down the throat of everyone in the world who is contrary to their viewpoint. I am calling out to those who claim to be followers of Jesus. BE AN EXAMPLE! Sure you are free to indulge in------- because you are free in Christ, but why? Is it really worth it? Your freedom can stumble the weaker brother! If you are offended by this, than maybe you need to evaluate your life. Are you leaving those around you with the life that Jesus has to offer? Or are you just leaving them with the opinion that they can go to heaven and still live, speak, and act just the same as they do now? We are called to holiness. We cannot attain to that on our own. We need Jesus. Every day. Not everything this world has to entertain us. So friends, fellow believers, I pray that you would put God first. Above your self. Above your freedoms. Salvation is amazing, but we cannot live life as if it ends there. We are called to Go and make disciples. We are called to be lights. We are to be salt. Don't let your freedoms steal the flavor you have to give to this world that needs Jesus. Run the race to receive the prize! Just say no to "participation medals". If you are a follower of Jesus, then follow Jesus! Lord, give us Your eyes to see, Your heart to prefer others, and Your power to run this race. To God be the glory!

No other love

There is a song that runs through my head quite frequently. As a musician, this happens a lot. This song, however, takes my mind and emotions and mixes them together. It carries  me back to a place in the past that is almost tangible. Has that ever happened to you? The lyrics to the song are:
To keep Your lovely face
Ever before my eyes
This is my prayer
Make it my strong desire
That in my secret heart
No other love competes
No rival throne survives
And I serve only You


This has been my prayer lately. I am realizing that I harbor so many things that compete for my heart, which is committed to the Lord. Many of them are often screaming to be on the throne where He resides. There are times where I am sure He has all my heart has to offer, only to find there are still things I am holding above Him. When will surrender be a lifestyle?

Hungary has been a real blessing. Though I am growing to love this country, I have really struggled with the absence of church family. It feels so strange to sit in your living room and listen to a pastor teach online. No worship. No fellowship. I am longing to be a part of the body once again. I have been praying for God to bring the right people into our lives. He has been faithful and brought us closer as a family. I am excited to hear the kid's when they reflect on this year in the future.

This week, the weather has been everywhere! Sometimes in the same day. We literally had warm sun, rain, and snow within a matter of hours. It reminds me of prairie days. I decided that I miss the forest, and when the tasks of this housing turnover are complete I will return to it. I will bring a knife, but I WILL return! I miss the beauty and serenity that creation brings.


Over the break, we have had the opportunity to get to know some of the students better. A young couple and a young Ukrainian woman stayed behind for the holidays. They have been a blessing to us; helping above and beyond what was asked or expected. It is such an awesome thing to work with others who love Jesus and desire to work as unto Him. Soon everyone will return, and time here will tick away quickly. We hope to see a little more of this continent before our return. I know that we planned to get out more, but somehow God wanted us to be here in this small village for the majority of our time. That isn't too bad, though. In just over 4 months, we will fly back to the states. Part of me is anxious to get back to real life. The other part knows the of that thought process never ends! I am focusing all my efforts on enjoying the last few months here, and thinking about home less and less (even Coco- though it kills me to admit that). Life is always changing, so I must remember to keep my eyes fixed upon the One who never changes.

and a clean kitchen...

 I realized that I could never clean houses for a living. I would hate on whoever messed it up! I spent the day thoroughly cleaning the kitchen of our old place. When we moved here, many of the drawers, cabinets, etc had a ton of junk in them- which I left because we were only going to be here for a short time. The new families will be here much longer, so I decided to do the deep cleaning I would have liked upon my arrival. The problem? There were not many cleaner options. So as I sat on the floor scrubbing the oven vent hood with a nail brush and vinegar, I remembered something that a past friend used to say. "Constraints are the building blocks of ingenuity". I laughed out loud at the irony. Scrubbing and cleaning (and this quote) gave me an opportunity to think. A lot. 8 hours worth to be exact. It made me realize some things:
1) I am so incredibly glad that God's idea of forgiveness is not like ours! His forgiveness is complete and absolute, unlike my own. It does not ask me to explain or even try to understand. It is just offered to me. Not because of my character or my good deeds. Not because I earned it or any other reason. If is just because He chose to.
2) I am glad that my identity is found in Him. I am a mess. We all are. The older we get, the more I realize that life is capable of pulling the rug out from under you at any moment. You can be one thing for so long, only to have it taken away in a moment. If we place our identities in them, we will fall apart when they do. Jesus never falls apart! If our identity is in Him, we are secure!
3) I am far too obsessive to allow things to fall through, but God is asking me to let go. Be flexible. Everything in my current life would not have ever been something I would have imagined or fathomed. Living with no direction, no expectations, or any structure is all but killing us! But it has helped me to let go. (Maybe only a little😁)
4) I hate vinegar. Completely irrelevant from a spiritual standpoint, but true none the less!
My hands are pruny and I am sooooo tired. One more week and it will be over!

Just Life...

     Sometimes, I feel compelled to write as a way to process my thoughts. Other times life is exciting or difficult. Today, life is just life. I have been so busy lately that thinking is barely on my schedule. Running from 8 am to 12 am makes for long days. The end is near, and today was super productive. I can make it!
     Here is something crazy- we have been here longer than we have left. We leave here in just 4 months. I will miss this quaint little paradise. I may never come back again (highly likely) and I realize that I must make the most of these next few months before we return. I posted a quote from CS Lewis awhile back, and it is a reminder to me. "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." It is hard to believe that, but I know it is true! I am blown away by the things God has done. He is continuing to replace the things we have left behind with more of Him. I know He will continue to do that in our lives if we allow Him.
     I have been praying about what God wants me to do when we get back to the states. I am not terribly excited about going to work, but I know that God will provide a job that will be the right fit. It is a bit scary, but really everything in my life has been as of late. He will provide the strength I need. If you think about it, please pray that God would open up the right door and provide work/home/church for us. Thanks!
     The new place we moved to is really coming around. I love the fact that the windows face the horse ranch. It is so nice to watch the horses. The weather has been very sunny, but also freezing. There is no snow, just ice. Leah was worried because one of the horse stalls had a huge puddle of ice. She was so cute trying to convince "Vegetable" not to walk on the ice.
     Christian has been drawing. A lot. It is pretty much all he does here. I didn't realize how hard this move would be on him. He seems to internalize it a lot. He understands a lot more than Leah, so I think he is worried about life in general. I hate that he has to go through this! I wish they wouldn't have to worry and life was easy, but that just isn't real. I have actually realized that a lot of what I believed to be true about life wasn't real. That is why we must look to God to be our all. He is real. More than our thoughts. More than our heart. He is. I am so grateful for the promise of His faithfulness to those who love Him and put their trust in Him. It makes reality a lot easier to face. Good night from this side of the world!