Grace

Some days, you just need a good cry. Not a little cry. A big, deep cry. One that shakes you and continues on for some time. Tonight was mine, because really- I have lots of justifiable reasons in my life to do so! 😊 It started as a sad, woe is me cry and turned a corner real quick! I have been battling with some counsel I received. It wasn't the counsel that was hard, it was the application. When I received the counsel, I wanted to scream "I KNOW all of those things! I read my bible! PLEASE tell me how to apply them!" But, I didn't. I quietly listened and took notes, because that is who I am. It has been hanging over me all week, though. And tonight, I felt like I couldn't take it any more. I couldn't do it anymore. All the expectations for perfection I burdened myself with. All the doubt I allowed to rule my actions. My inability to allow anyone in or my ability to take blame for everything and feel like it is all my fault. I can't function in my pride anymore. I need grace. I need it so much. My problem? I don't know how to receive it. How do you even go about allowing grace to reign in your life? I have no trouble handing it out, but I don't know how to receive it. How to live in it. How do you make mistakes and allow God's grace to wash them away? How does one rid themselves of guilt? Their guilt? Others guilt?  I have no idea how to apply grace in my own life! How sad God must be! He loves me so much and I have no idea how to receive it. How to live in it. I feel like a slug and grace is salt. I should feel free. I should be able to rest. Lord, help me! I need You to show me! I want to receive Your grace and I want to function in it. I want to know and experience the freedom grace brings! You do not desire that this burden of guilt be placed upon me. You paid it all. I know all of this! I know You are faithful. I know You love me. I know Your word says Your mercies are new every morning. Please, please, please Lord! Help me to feel it. Give me faith to function in Your grace. I am so tired of being strong. I am so tired of trying to live this life in my own power and under my own bondage and authority. Please Lord. Help me to know Your grace on my life. Restore the peace that once ruled and reigned in my life. Thank You that You hold my tears. Thank You that Your arms are wrapped around me as I cry. Thank You that You are my Daddy, and You love me so much. Help me to believe that love.

Thing You Should Never Do

Things you should never do: Google sad things!

Last night, I learned that you should never research something on the internet unless you want extreme answers! My question? Will my dog forget me after living somewhere else for a year?
I was not ready for the wealth of sadness that would pop up in my search engine! There were people who told Homeward Bound stories and those who talked of doggie depression. The end result was tears streaming down my face as parents in the gymnastics viewing room stared in wonder. I read some stories about dumb dogs (they were obvious cat people) who did not really care where they lives as long as they were fed and walked. Then, there were the terribly sad stories about dogs who ran away in search of their owners. Or the dogs who looked for their owners everywhere they went. The saddest? The dog who died because they refused to live. This dog was "very in tune to their owners and intuitive"... GREAT! Of course my dog falls into this category! On came the tears. (And the parents that basically think I have gone nuts based on all the life realizations that hit me in that small room) Then came Leah. I quickly closed my browser. The last thing I needed was for her to see that story! I thought she was the one who would struggle with leaving the dog. I did not see myself falling in love with an animal! When Sammy promised the kids a dog, I was super leery! I was not an animal person. I had dog horror stories and wasn't super excited about it. Yet, Coco melted my heart. She started out in the sunroom and within the month she was part of our family. She hugs, holds my hand, knows when I am sad, doesn't leave my side when I am sick, and always wants to be near me. She loves walking with me and running is her favorite! She loves us so much that she uses everything within her to fight her instincts and obey. Oh how I will miss her! My heart will have a hole in it. But- it is only a year. I hope she will eat, enjoy her new family, not be depressed, and NEVER conspire with cats and old dogs to come and find us!

Oh to be like You!

Adversity: a state, condition, or instance of serious or continued difficulty or adverse fortune

Difficulty: the quality of something that makes it hard to do

something that is not easy to do or to deal with  ie: a difficult situation

Vulnerability: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

open to attack or damage

I don't like any of these words!!! But, this is where I am at. I feel the first two heavily inside of me but the last is supposed to be the one I choose. Who in the world wants to be emotionally or physically wounded, attacked, or damaged BY CHOICE?!?
Oh yeah- Jesus. The one in whom my identity is to be found in. Oh, Lord, HELP ME! Help me to be who you see in me. I cannot do it on my own or in my own strength. Today was overwhelming and I feel as if I cannot go on any longer! I make progress and realize that You are working in my heart and then BAM! More pain. I don't know how to sort through all the turmoil that has built up inside of me. I know You are asking me to do hard things and working the characteristics that do not reflect You out of my life. It just hurts so much. I had no idea how much it would hurt when I agreed to allow You all of my heart. Thank You that Your word tells us in Ps 34:18 that You are near to the brokenhearted and the crushed in spirit. That is how I feel. I realize that there is so much work to do. The closer I draw to You, the more I see how grieved You are with the state of my heart. How You desire for me to live in peace and rest, with full trust in You. That You want all of me. That You love me so much more than I can ever feel or even imagine. Help me to remember that You are the one who is doing the pruning in my life. You are skilled at what You do, and You do it in love. Forgive my unbelief. Forgive my stubborn will. Give me strength to do the hard things and accept what I don't understand. Help me to look to You when my insides feel like they have no hope! Continue to be the foundation I rest on. Thank You, Lord for the hope I have in You. I don't know how to be vulnerable, but You can change my heart and make it trusting. Help me to trust You and what You are doing in this heart of mine.

Why don't you just cry about it?

It is funny how high and low your emotions are able to go! In just a matter of minutes, they can go all over the place. I feel so out of sorts with my emotions! Everything seems ok one moment then overwhelming the next. Life would be nuts if we let our actions be driven by our emotions. I feel like a child lately. As if any thing can make me spiral into the "depths of despair". What complicated creatures we are. My prayer has been that God would help me have strength and not be a willful child. Every time the depths threaten to swallow me, I just want to give up and allow it. I often find myself feeling dramatic and ridiculous when people find obvious silver linings to all the things I feel consumed by. I just want to cry! I remember one of the kids in sunday school who was having quite a morning, and she wanted to cry. No real reason, she just felt like it. When I asked her to stop, she pleaded with her cutest, saddest, voice," please Ms. Kim! Please just let me cry! I just really need to cry because my heart is sad". Yeah, it was adorable. It took everything in me to hold it together and keep from laughing. Now, I understand her sentiment completely! However, as an adult you cannot get away with this! Who am I kidding? She couldn't get away with it and she was ADORABLE! I took the opportunity to walk her through the many reasons we do not listen to what our heart tells us. I hugged her and walked her to her mom. She loved on her and we were all good. So, why is it hard to apply this to my life right now? I am sure if I looked to the right people I could find validation for my emotions. The problem with that is it is only temporary. It doesn't last because it isn't truth. It isn't how God asks us to live or exemplifies in His life on earth. We are to have a heart and mind that is saturated with scripture. That means I don't get to act like Anne Shirley. I can't feul my drama-thoughts. I must take my emotions and command them to line up with God's truth. That is the only way through anything we deal with in life. How do people function without Jesus? I am so glad I don't have to find out.

Ephesians 1:3 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ."

Love❤️

Love. 4 letters, yet the emotion has incredible power. The bible tells us so many things about love. It tells us that God is love. Love is patient and kind. It doesn't behave rudely. It hopes and believes all things. It lays down it's life for others. It covers a multitude of sin. It casts out fear. It prefers others over one's self. It is the heart of Jesus. It draws us to Him and leads us to repentance. Love is also a command. As believers, we are to love one another. We are to love our neighbor as ourselves. Let it abide in us. Love our spouse as Jesus has loved us. Put it on and let it bond us. Basically, make it the emotion and a
Ction that ties our life together. This emotion is incredibly easy when we FEEL it. On your wedding day or the birth of your children. When someone gives that affection to you or you invest into someone/something. These are all times love comes easily to us. It is the hard times that prove the depths of our love. The world tells us that love is a feeling we can throw around. We can love nail polish AND people! It tells us to follow our hearts and to throw it away when it is no longer working for us. Jesus' example of love is exactly the opposite. He shows us that love is the motivator to our actions. Love is shown by our responses. It is a sacrifice. It requires a life of prayer and constant reliance on the Father. It sees the failures and continues its purpose in spite of that. How contrary to the world's view of love! It is not about "me"- it is not selfish. It is not about gratification or pleasure. It is about sacrifice. As parents, we should TOTALLY get this one! Many sacrifices are made without thought! As spouses, a bit tricky. We want to love that same way, but sometimes our selfishnes misguides us. As children, we want to experience love. We love to recieve it with no expectations or recprication needed. Love. How does it even function outside of God?
  I have spent a lot of time studying love and how it looks in my life. It is sometimes so overwhelming when I see the actions God wants me to take. The great thing is, God is love. So I must rely upon Him. He is my example. If I love Him, then I will keep His commandments- because they are not burdensome. Really? Sometimes I feel like they are! Oh how the definition of man's love skews the reality of God's love. He is NOT burdensome. He is wonderful! He gives us power to love. I am burdensome! But He paid for that- in blood! His love kept Him on the cross. He desired to overcome death and defeat sin because He loves us. Me. He was fine up in heaven. He could have used the world's standard of love and threw us away- start over. But love. Love compelled Him. He was heartbroken over the thought of eternity without us. I cannot imagine the shame and burden our sin put upon Him, but He willingly walked that road. When we see Him with our last breath, we will not be consumed by our sin. We will be freed by His love. Oh Father, give us a love that lives for You and Your purpose in this world!
1 John 3:16&18:
"By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers...Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."

1 John 4:7-8 :)

Trusting Him

We are leaving! What a strange concept! I feel torn. I know that this is a season of trusting Him and leaning on Him, but I am ready to see the whole picture. I know that I need to relax and yield, but I feel stressed and anxious. You know, like the dentist! So much uncertainty, however it is only uncertain in the earthly realm. He is quite certain of the path our life will go. What was a surprise to me is never a surprise to Him. The things I question anxiously already have answers and He knows them. So, why can't I have peace? Simple- I am too busy seeking to know. To understand. I need to rest and relax. I need to stop trying to figure it all out and let Him take over. That is so difficult! I have been making it a practice to take every thought and compare it to God's truth. It has been enlightening! Not because of the thought, but because of the tremendous amount of them! The cares, anxieties, worries, fears, hurts, all things that cloud my ability to rest in Him. I am fighting to make Ps 16:8-9 a reality in my life. I am trusting that He will never fail me, and He is weaving the threads of my life into the fabric he chooses. When I used to sew quilts, I remember sewing each part, feeling like they were all wrong, laying them all on the floor anyways, and standing on a chair for a better vanage point. I realized that close up, all I could see was the mistakes I fixated on or the small puckers. I noticed the fabric may have been discolored, or even flipped around. Things looked like a mess when I isolated them. However, when I stood up on the chair, the entire quilt changed! It morphed from the mistakes and insecurities into a complete picture. That must be what it is like for God. We see it all like those dumb 90's pictures that were made up of dots and lines and everyone "claimed" they could see the picture popping out (can you tell I was never one to see it?). God sees the entire picture! Not the 19 years I lived at home, the 16 years I have been married, the 15 years I have been a mother, the many times I failed, the segments that each piece adds to the picture of my life. He sees all of it! My life is not a page- turner for Him! He is not reading it and wondering what is going to happen next! Oh how often I feel like He is a student of my life instead of the Author! He knows my time here on earth. He has not allowed my life to walk on this path with Him for so long in vanity. He has a plan and a purpose. No matter what I believe to be true, He knows. I cannot forget that. He knows the plans He has for me. So, today I walk. One foot in front of the other. Not looking around or sitting down and refusing to walk. Not dragging or stomping my feet. Not trying to run really fast so I can get to where I am going. Just patiently. One foot at a time. Lord, help me to rest in You and follow the path You lead me down with a heart of faith!

Faith moving forward

I soooooooo overdid it today! I have been pretty sick the past couple months and had to go back on liquid diet. This week has been the first week I felt well in awhile. My dr wants me to go on a 80/20 liquid diet to get a better idea of what treatment option to take when she does the procedure next month. So, why not have my first meal be curry? Seems smart, right? Then, go to Eastlake in 90 degree weather and run 8 miles because it seemed smart at the time, and it seems surprisingly easy compared to running on the sand. But, now as I sit hunched over in pain I realize, it was a bit much! When will I learn? I ask everyone to please pray for this test. If the results are not good I have to get a port and deal with medicines and steroids and nutrients, which will make everything about this season of rest quite difficult. I am choosing to believe that God can make me better and I ask that you would add me to your prayer list. Thank you!
      Overall, today was a productive day. We figured out schooling for the kids- which is a huge relief to me. We are still trying to find Coco's new family. I told Sammy that I guess it isn't fair that we would have the best dog in the world and keep her all to ourselves. She knows something is up. She has been an incredibly intuitive animal. I am so surprised that I can love something that is not even human ad much as I do. (Although she really is human-like) She and I have been spending a lot of time together. I will miss her terribly, but she will fall in love with her new family because the reality is- she is just a dog. Tomorrow we begin the packing process. How I hate packing! I have been blessed to have moved very little in my marriage. I am glad in one sense because I am sure we have so much that we simply do not need. On the other hand, this is going to get real very quickly! Today, I had wonderful conversation with a very sweet woman who served in Hungary for years. It was a little daunting at first because I had to wrap my mind around the concepts that seem so foreign to me. You know, like people who don't speak english- or spanish. Or living in a rural village. But, then for the first time I began to get excited. Maybe because she was so excited for me or maybe because I was getting actual information about where we were going, I don't know. All I know is that this was the first time I saw this as a good thing and not a scary thing. I have been trying so hard to focus on the blessings in obedience. I know that God will meet me in my obedence, but He wants so much more for me! For all of us! He wants us to trust Him. He wants us to be in love with Him. He wants obedience to be a response, not an obligation. I realize that there are a lot of hard things going on in my life and the life of my family but it doesn't change who God is! He is the same God who blessed and sustained me thus far and He deserves my heart. He has earned my trust. He knows the plans he has for me, for my family, for the church in IB, and for every aspect of our entire life- even Coco! Why do I worry? What good does it do? It just takes away from the trust I have in Him. So, it is time to stop sulking and being a victim and yield to this season. I am so glad that God is a patient, loving Father and that He desires to be with us!