Grace

Some days, you just need a good cry. Not a little cry. A big, deep cry. One that shakes you and continues on for some time. Tonight was mine, because really- I have lots of justifiable reasons in my life to do so! 😊 It started as a sad, woe is me cry and turned a corner real quick! I have been battling with some counsel I received. It wasn't the counsel that was hard, it was the application. When I received the counsel, I wanted to scream "I KNOW all of those things! I read my bible! PLEASE tell me how to apply them!" But, I didn't. I quietly listened and took notes, because that is who I am. It has been hanging over me all week, though. And tonight, I felt like I couldn't take it any more. I couldn't do it anymore. All the expectations for perfection I burdened myself with. All the doubt I allowed to rule my actions. My inability to allow anyone in or my ability to take blame for everything and feel like it is all my fault. I can't function in my pride anymore. I need grace. I need it so much. My problem? I don't know how to receive it. How do you even go about allowing grace to reign in your life? I have no trouble handing it out, but I don't know how to receive it. How to live in it. How do you make mistakes and allow God's grace to wash them away? How does one rid themselves of guilt? Their guilt? Others guilt?  I have no idea how to apply grace in my own life! How sad God must be! He loves me so much and I have no idea how to receive it. How to live in it. I feel like a slug and grace is salt. I should feel free. I should be able to rest. Lord, help me! I need You to show me! I want to receive Your grace and I want to function in it. I want to know and experience the freedom grace brings! You do not desire that this burden of guilt be placed upon me. You paid it all. I know all of this! I know You are faithful. I know You love me. I know Your word says Your mercies are new every morning. Please, please, please Lord! Help me to feel it. Give me faith to function in Your grace. I am so tired of being strong. I am so tired of trying to live this life in my own power and under my own bondage and authority. Please Lord. Help me to know Your grace on my life. Restore the peace that once ruled and reigned in my life. Thank You that You hold my tears. Thank You that Your arms are wrapped around me as I cry. Thank You that You are my Daddy, and You love me so much. Help me to believe that love.