my best friend

today I got to hang out with Sammy before he took off for the men's retreat. I am always happy when I get that opportunity. He is a blessing and it is nice when I don't have to share him with anyone, especially his phone! Right now he, along with several other men are at the men's retreat. Will you join me in prayer for them? I know the past year has been tough on so many families, and the men need our prayers. Prayer for strongholds to be broken and victory to be had. Prayer for God's grace to wash away the guilt and lies the devil has been feeding them. Prayer for repentant hearts and deeper commitment to the Lord. I know that the Lord has so much to speak to them and I am excited to see what God is going to do through this time. Thanks for joining me in this!

Just another Sunday

Today was a particurlarly strange sunday. I woke up with a migraine, which I guess isn't all to strange. I picked up my bible and began to read it. Also, not strange. I was incredibly tired and glad to read about God's blessings to Abraham. I covered Abraham's unbelief and lack of faith with Abemilech and his amazing recovery with his willingness to sacrifice Isaac, his son of promise. I was moved because it was so freeing to know that even great men of God wavered in faith and I am not alone. It was promising to see God continually remain faithful to what He promised Abraham regardless of his shortcomings. I went about getting ready for church ready to hear from the Lord. My head was still really bad, but I just wasn't going to let it win. I made it through worship before the pain began to get out of control. I haven't had a migraine like this in a while, so I tend to forget how quickly they can take over and how much control they demand. Before I knew it, I was racing to the back, overcome with nausea. It came and went and I spent the majority of the service in the restroom, but I was finally able to go sit down for the last 15 minutes. I got up and tried to navigate my way around to minister to others, but my head was not allowing me to do so. After a particularly awful situation, I went home in tears, ready to give up. Feeling completely defeated and utterly overwhelmed, I realized that he had done it. The enemy had officially stolen my joy. He turned my focus off the blessings of the Lord and put them back on my ailments and situations. The worst part is, I didn't know how to stop it. I did, however, begin to combat it. I prayed. and Prayed. and Prayed. The Lord used this to remind me that I may be getting beat up, but He always keeps His promise. He brought back to memory the story I read about Abraham and Isaac. He reminded me that He asked Abraham to trust Him and lay his son on the alter. The son of which all God's promises would be implemented through. It was a strange request for Abraham, I am sure, but he did as he was asked because he knew of God's past faithfulness. He knew God kept His promises, and with absolute certainty he said,"I and the boy will come back..." He trusted God right now. That is what God is calling me to do. I know the promise He has given me and I know that He is in control and that is enough. I can only trust that everything that is going on is part of what will make the fulfillment of Hos promise even sweeter. I don't know how He is going to do it, but I know He will. I am choosing to believe, Like Abraham, that He will do as He says. I am refusing to second guess Him as in the past and instead look to Him to fulfill the things He desires to do in me and through me. It definitely isn't easy, but neither was Abraham's act of preparing the alter that would consume his only son as a sacrifice. God isn't asking me to do the impossible, He is just challenging and encouraging me to hang on as He completes it. I am so thankful that in the midst of the storm He is calming the sea.

The Beauty of Being Broken

Sometimes I am hit with moments of nostalgia. Like at this past women's retreat. The guest musician sang a song(t though quite different than I remembered it) that brought back days from my youth. I had a similiar situation just this week. I was in Sammy's office printing things out for the very first CCIB women's study ever and I came across a little book. It was quite old. The cover was worn and the pages were yellowed, but it brought back so many memories. I was so stressed out, I decided to take a break and crack the book open. As I read briefly through the first few pages, waves of memories came over me. I was reminded of times when I was just a little girl. It was sunday evening, and I was a "big girl" and sat in the church service. I was often trying to follow along with my Pastor, but much of it was just over my head. I wasn't out of elementary school yet, and I definitely was not ready to dissect God's word. I was, however, quite excited when he would pull out this book. Many people would groan or roll their eyes, but it excited me. It gave me hope. You see, this book was about a young lady who loved Jesus. She wasn't a movie star or a famous person. She was a woman. A woman who simply loved Jesus and wanted to tell the world around her. That meant wherever she went. Her name was Ann Kimmel. Often those stories took place in everyday places, challenging people in ways they did not want to be bothered. This may be the reason why people groaned when he brought it out. All I knew is that, when my Pastor read this book it moved him to tears. It was in this reading that I saw his true heart. Even as a little girl, I realized that those tears were not because he was sad, but because he was happy. He understood. I didn't realize until years later  God would use this book to remind me of that. Being on this side of things, I realize something else. I realize that my Pastor knew who he was, and how much he needed Jesus himself. He knew that, although the road was hard and often lonely, it was worth it to see the hearts of the people turn to Jesus. Little did he know that, in sharing those wonderful stories from that small book so many years ago I would be ministered to.Starting a church is an exciting thing, there is no doubt about that. If you would have told me last year that in ten months the Lord would have us start a church, move into our own building,and hold our first women's bible study with 60 women I would not have believed you.Yet, here we are watching God move in spite of us, and we are humbled. I am often reduced to tears because of all that the Lord has seen fit to do through us. But I also know who I am, and how much I need Jesus. If there was ever a question before, it is gone! And yes, though this is exciting, it is also hard. God has asked hard things of me, seeking my full trust in Him. And it is often lonely. God is constantly challenging me to lay things down for His call in me. The result? Brokeness. It is not easy being broken. I was the kind of kid that broke everything, which is quite ironic if you know me now. I was careless and often covered in bruises. I was not a stranger to broken. But this is a different kind of broken. A beautiful broken. One that brings me to tears when I read about God's people doing His work. One that causes me to persevere through hard times. I am so amazed that one little book can remind me of so much, but I am so blessed that God uses little things in my life to put the big things in perspective. I am realizing that, when I am broken, I am able to allow His grace to renew me.

It's not called GymNICEstics!

This past weekend I was afforded a unique opportunity. Well, let me start from the beginning. Every year. Leah's gym hosts a few gymnastics meets. The first meet we host is generally in the fall. Fall is the beginning of compulsary competition. Last year we switched programs, so Leah was not competing this weekend. It was a change for me, as I generally volunteer anywhere that will keep Leah from actually picking me out of a crowd.This normally includes much hiding, which I have officially perfected. Since I didn't have to hide, I thought I would try something new this year. I bravely looked at the sign up sheet and wrote my name next to event timer. This seemed very scary to me, however, because it would place me next to the people we fear more than life and stay away from like the plague; avoiding eye contact at all costs. These people- The Judges. The Judge is infamous for many reasons in the gymnastics world. If you sat in a crowd during any session, you would know that they are (according to most parents): partial to private gyms, constantly misrepresenting the actual score of the event most girls have just competed, very mean, looking to fault the girls for any thing not limited to: picking wedgies, wearing nail polish, heavy make up, disheveled hair,jewelry,etc. They are also known to(again, according to the parents) score cuter girls higher than ugly ones, reward older girls with higher scores, and never smile.As a parent, my job is to be a nurturer. In the world of gymnastics meets, this means I hug my daughter, tell her I love her, and send her on her way. I also clap and am extremely proud of all of the girls on her team. I am elated when they excel at something they worked so hard to get and hurt when they are mustering all of their strength to finish after a mistake. I AM a nurturer. Yet, I was placing myself right next to the judges, and I was soooo nervous. I slept poorly and woke up early, afraid of what would happen if I messed up the time or, worse, if one talked to me. I showed up, exhausted, and I was ready to do my job. I had resolved to do this, and I would. I was given the task of timing vault warm up. My anxiety was lessened when I saw the cheat sheet left for me. I breathed a sigh of relief and awaited the first group. When they came to salute the judges, I was smiling at the adorable sight I saw before me. 6-8 year old girls, many competing for their first time. There were faces of confidence mixed with faces of fear. Glitter and ribbons were in abundance. Fidgeting was inevitable due to nerves. As they walked away, pulling and picking their leos, I was curious how anyone was going to be able to judge them! I just wanted to squeeze them all and make them feel better! Yet  3:45 seconds later, they ran down the vault run and the judges were in action. I was enthralled at the way the 2 judges could look directly at the girls yet score them on their papers at the same time. I was baffled that they would have scores that, often times, were almost identical to the other. They definitely knew what they were doing. I was amazed as they executed justice based solely on the vault performed in front of them. As a nurturer, I looked at the girls with love and smiled, hoping to will away any fear or trepidation they may have had. There was also one other aspect that was represented: The Coach. While parents are the nurturer and judges are,well, judges the coaches bring a perspective that was unique to each one. Some coaches spent the entire warm up coaching the girl to improve her vault yet remained quiet and supportive during the competition of it. Others were there to hug and comfort the girls, not really using the meet as a venue to coach but to enforce confidence in their gymnast. Then, there were the rest. You know, the one who my daughter will never be around, nor would her gym ever employ (thank you, Kristin!). Like the old guy who referred to his female coaches as his harem (to the judges) and the guy that kept sighing and rolling his eyes after every girl vaulted. It was strange to watch this interaction, because it varied so much from gym to gym.I was glad to know that many of the coaches were proud of their girls and that they often hugged them. It was a combination of the parent and the judge.It was comforting to know that, although they were being instructed and corrected, they were also being loved and encouraged. This was the point that brought me to a realization. I am going through so much in life, but I am not alone. I have a Father, a Coach and a Judge. The beauty is, I get to rest in the loving arms of my Father and walk with the help of my encouraging and instructive Coach. However, justice has already been atoned for. I do not need to worry about judgement! I have been covered by the blood of my Redeemer! He has paid the price and ultimately was judged for my performance- my sin. I am forgiven, and He no longer looks at me through the eyes of justice- scrutinizing my every move and failure. He looks at me through the eyes of a Father who loves and cherishes His daughter. He loves me. He is elated when I succeed and hurt when I hurt. He encourages me to do more, yet comforts me when I feel as if I can't do anything. He sings over me (Zeph. 3:17). His thoughts towards me are of peace, to give me a future and a hope (Jer.29:11). And ultimately, He paid the price for me. He willingly laid down His life so that I may live in fullness. I never cease to be amazed at how so many situations in life can bring me back to this knowledge. I realize that this is because so often I refuse to believe it. I know me, and regardless of how nice or loving I am, I can never be as loving as Jesus. I can only bask in the glory that He has allowed me to be His child. What better thing is there? I am so thankful for the loving people in my life and the lives of my family, as it reminds me that I have so much to be grateful for. As I left that day to continue working at the church, I was blessed. I realized many things through event timing. Judges are actually quite nice and amazingly gifted at what they do. You do not turn into stone when you look into their eyes. They do smile, and they like Nordstrom shoes, but do NOT like coaches to refer to their female coaches as their harem!

What Now?

I have been in awe of how much satan can throw at me lately. Doubts, insecurities, you name it, he's done it. I was challenged yesterday by a thought that came from (finally) watching the dvd for the study we will begin monday.I was reminded that sometimes when we are being attacked, God is allowing it to bring us closer to Him. It is so very true. Sometimes, we are dumb and we do dumb things and the result is not an attack but just our own stupidity. Other times, we endure attacks and we are aware that they are from the enemy trying to knock us down, only to be caught by the hands of our Father and lifted back up in fighting position. These seasons have been true in my life, but right now I feel they are not applicable. The season of attack I am experiencing is for my own growth. I feel like I am in a game of dodgeball all alone, and the enemy has unlimited balls. He is continually throwing them and I am hunched on the ground protecting anything my poor arms can cover. The Lord, however, is not deflecting the balls. He is instead standing next to me and making me aware of their coming. He is guiding me and forcing me to trust His voice. He can see how many balls the enemy has left, and if I simply listen to His voice I will make it out alive. I may have marks and bruises, but I will also have victory. You see, when you get into the ring with the devil, you better be prepared to fight! Staring a church is the same as challenging him to "bring it". I, however, underestimated that! EXTREMELY! I was ill-trained to fight someone with such knowledge. The beauty is, my trainer has all the experience I need. He has defeated my enemy! I can rest in knowing that His coaching will give me victory. The blows will eventually stop, but the lessons learned will definitely remain. It has almost become comical this week. I have watched what stress can do to me, and it is not pretty. Today, I am dealing with my computer. It has always been a good computer to me. I have only had it for a year, but it has done exactly what I asked of it. It is reliable and fast. Yesterday, however, it decided to freeze while installing the upgrades. I turned it off (I know, not the right thing to do) and rebooted it. After several black screens, I thought I was in the clear. Then, the windows installer box appeared. And appeared. And appeared. We could go on forever, because that is how much it did, but I won' t because I am sure you get it. I took all of my techie knowledge (none) and went to work. I defraged it. I ran scans. I updated every driver on my c drive. I tried to access it through other venues. Everything I tried failed, and I ended up just walking away. Today I decided to try again. With renewed energy, I turned it on, picked up my phone, and.... called a tech. His response? Everything I did already. I was actually impressed at first, until I realized I just paid a guy $30 to tell me nothing.He did, however, have one bit of knowledge I did not check the day before. I forgot about the event viewer. When I went there, I saw that my MSInstaller was hacked. The proof? An entire page of warnings with red triangles and exclamation points. I now get to pay someone to remove it (yay) so it can be my nice computer once again. Instead of finishing the last 5 things on my checklist, I will spend the day on Sammy's computer, changing user names and passwords. I am actually able to laugh today, though, because I know that I am going to make it through. I also know that this is happening for a reason. I just cannot wait to see what it is! Until then, I am praying and pressing on, knowing that the One who chose me for this will sustain me.

Belong

I just finished a nice, gloomy, long walk and I decided to stop and grab coffee and food for Sammy as a surprise.Well, I am here in a place where everyone is twice my age (at least) and they definitely know I don't belong. I feel them all boring into me with their eyes as I write this. Nevertheless, I will wait here because the blessing of the surprise for Sammy far outweighs the akwardness of this situation. I laugh because this is not  a feeling I am stranger to. So often I wonder if I really belong where I am at. I am so very greatful to have a loving family and we belong to eachother, but besides that the rest is always subject to debate. (Every time someone walks into this coffee shop there is a chorus of "hi, fill in the name"... yes, I am aware I am an outsider!)  I am also finding out that I belong in the most important place ever, God's heart. I have been spending time there and it is encouraging me so much. I am so unsure of all of the things I am going through and expected to acheive that I don't even want to think on them or I may break into tears. Yet this one thing is certain, I belong to the Lord! I am my beloved's and He is mine! So needed today! Now, to get out of this place where I am a stranger! :)

Holiness not Homieness

I have about a million things I should be doing right now, but somehow I don't have the energy or the heart to commit to them. Today has been an emotionally challenging day. The messages were very very challenging and difficult to swallow. This morning, we looked at Jesus commanding us to love others as He has loved us. That sounds easy, right? Well, remember that He loved us when we were "yet sinners"- basically when we were rejecting him. When we were fighting against Him, He loved us. When we were living for ourselves He was dying for us. His love is unchanging regardless of the things I do or ways I hurt Him. He does not measure His grace upon me based on my own merit. He never changes the amount of love He has towards me. This is how He is calling me to love. It is easy to love those who love you back, but oh how hard it is to show love towards someone who has wronged you. Now, add to that the evening service where we see men of God admitting blame and associating themselves with sin that was not their own. They were humble. They were not concerned about their place in the situation. They did not claim their innocence nor did they justify feelings of it. They did not dwell in their own situation but looked to the Lord to intercede, taking part in the fault for the better of the whole. They were wronged but chose to lay down their pride and seek forgiveness for something they were not guilty of. They pursued holiness. It was very hard for me to receive this, because these are the things God is working in me right now. It is always great to be on the positive end of hearing the sermon and relating to it. This time God was admonishing me. It isn't easy to deal with, but I know it will be worth the fight. I know that I am experiencing this season to prepare me for whatever lies ahead. Compassion and grace will now be companions when I counsel women who have gone through circumstances I may never understand. Love and encouragement will propel me in service to others. I have become more pensive, realizing that words have such power. I am being tried through the fire and watching the faithfulness of God creating holiness in me and helping me to walk in it. My mind is constantly battling to control me, but He has won out. I am choosing love and forgiveness because that is His example. He is taking me to a place that will make me usable for Him. I am learning what it means to fight the battle on my knees. So, on a night like tonight when sleep seems impossible and my heart feels so heavy, I am so blessed to know that although He is challenging me, He is also using me. That brings me such peace!

Perfect Peace

Often I think back to many things I read as a young girl. A Tale of 2 Cities is always fresh in my mind. I remember those books as if it were yesterday. Well, lately my life has been a tale of battle. I have been working through things that have clouded my heart and distanced me from my Lord. I have been reflecting on my character and challenging myself with God's word. When all is said and done, I am being brought back to a place where I can only move dependent on Him. I have been seeking Him to find His peace through this storm. I know that He is doing amazing things around us, but I am constantly having to battle the truth with the lies my mind can conjure up. I am having to check my mind and balancing it against the truth I have in the word. I have been plagued with things in the darkness of night, trying it's best to unglue me, yet awake to see the joy of the Lord in the morning.I have been pulling away from self-centered friendships and challenging myself to be involved with others.  Mostly, I have been learning how to be content in Him. This season has been a great preparation for what the Lord has in store. The women's bible study will be starting soon, and I am thoroughly amazed that GTod is bringing so many to study His word. I am told that this book will challenge the very core of our faith, causing us to decide if we plan on pushing forward in Him or giving up completely. I can honestly say that I have been there this past month. For the first time in my life I am learning how  much I need to be in control of my life. God is challenging me to choose, Him or me. I am so very blessed to say that He is giving me the strength to choos Him. His perfect peace is the only thing keeping me afloat in the constant storm.. The beauty is, I know this storm will pass and I will be better because of it! I encourage you today, if you are struggling with your worth, find it in Jesus. If you doubt your salvation, know it is given to you by the One who is victorious. If you are lacking faith, rely on Him to remain faithful because He is steadfast and never-changing. Come unto Him and allow Him to be your suffiency. He always desires to be strong in us, but so much more in our weakness. I am so grateful that He is the sealer of my fate and He is the one who pursues me. Seek Him, call on Him. He will answer you in your time of need and He will sustain you. What an amazing Father we have!       l

Painting is (not) fun!

Recently, I have been dealing with a lot on my plate. I tend to be the person the pushes forward until I am ready to drop, then goes a little more. This stems from so many things, but mainly from my independence. I often feel as if I am bothering others, so I just do it all on my own. I can do things on my own, so why not?  Well, I am learning the reason through many tough lessons. I tend to cut something out before it can hurt me. I pride myself in seeing it from far off and avoiding it at all costs. The past few weeks have taught me quite a few lessons. One of those lessons is this: I need others. I cannot keep pushing forward on my own. It has also taught me who I need most. I have been pressing into the Lord and studying His word, and am reminded of how much I need Him. I will be fine, and then feelings begin to surface and I realize I need Him. Insecurity begins to creep into areas of my life and I realize the solution is to seek Him. I am learning that I only have confidence in Him. I am learning how to navigate this life with Him at the wheel. Basically, I am aware of my shortcomings and going to the only one who can truly help. I am growing in my relationship with Him and being stretched is somehow less terrifying. I am still struggling with many of the feelings I had, but I have a Father who loves me so much, He holds all of my tears in a bottle. I am still trying to figure out the "why's" in my life right now, but I am learning sometimes I can't have all of the answers. Trust is the thing God is restoring in me the most. I am a leery person by nature, and  I need to learn to put my trust in Him, because He will never fail me. So many lessons as of late. I was painting (a lot) this weekend and I learned several things about myself. One thing I learned is that I don't care for painting. I thought I did. Actually, when Sammy first announced that we would be painting, I was super excited. I thought, 'here is something I will actually enjoy doing'. I showed up Friday excited because I didn't have to clean a nasty closet or remove weeds, I got to paint! I had great company and learned that my daughter is SO MUCH like her father. I enjoyed myself. The sun wasn't too strong. The area wasn't too large. It was baby steps. We finished an entire section and I truly experienced the old saying, "Many hands make the load light". Saturday came and we were back at it. We prepped the area we were going to paint by removing staples, bushes, etc and we were off. We put down drop cloths and grabbed our paint brushes. We were ready to paint. I was surrounded by great people and life was great, right? NO WAY! You see, today, we were on the back side of the building. Many of the spiders had the opportunity to "be the church" and we consumed liter after liter of water to replace all of the sweat dripping off of us due to the direct sunlight. I looked like a lobster regardless of the bottle of sunblock I applied throughout the day. Painting was no longer a fun experience, it became a chore. I began to look for opportunities to slack off, but had too much pride to actually do them. I was ready to leave, ready to quit, but I knew if I did the rest would surely follow! I prayed, hard, and endured. Monday morning we were back at it. I was excited again because we were getting to paint a new color. You see, that must be the reason I was not enjoying the job. Now that I get to see a new color and do the job so-and-so had, this will go better. While the shade and breeze were a welcome friend, I realized new things. I had to climb up a ladder. I had to be "perfect" or I would drip teal paint on the already painted beige building. New stress began to prove that this task was also not what I imagined. Well, after much hard work (after all, it was Labor day, right?) we left the place looking much better than before. I was exhausted beyond belief! I was appreciative of so many who sacrificed so much to serve. Mostly, I was glad to be done. I learned a lot, though. I realized that God gives strength to the weak, and boy am I weak. He also sustains us. I am so very glad, because I am in no way capable of living this life He has given me without Him. I also learned that He is using every inch of my life to remind me of my need for His sufficiency and trust. I am being reminded moment by moment of the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL of your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path."  The Lord taught me to be content where I am at. To be faithful in the things He puts in front of me TODAY and not look to the things tomorrow will bring. So today I am trusting in Him to see me through and carry me beyond the things that are weighing on me so much! I pray that you can do the same! God bless you!