Baggage

Tonight, there was an english man teaching at bible study. He taught Deuteronomy 12. After the Hungarian translator read the chapter (which went on FOREVER!), and about 20 minutes of apologizing for the book of Deuteronomy, I was done. Well, actually, I was done before he even started. Mostly, I was missing home. Today, I listened to christmas music and realized that I would not pull out a tree and decorate. I was not going to do the things that I normally do this time of year. Tears and sadness had hit. I almost skipped tonight, but I knew I needed to go. Yet- Deuteronomy. Chapter 12. Seriously?
Yes- seriously. God knew exactly what I needed to hear. He spoke on things I have been hearing from the Bible Study I am listening to by Beth Moore. Yet, he hit on a major area I am struggling with. He said this, " You want to hear from God. But so often you come in to offer Him your sacrifice dragging your idol in your other hand. You have to let go of the baggage. Drop your idols and allow God to fill your empty hands". There is is... I HAVE to let go. I cannot live carrying this baggage around. It is impossible to move forward and hear God if I am fixated on my bags. My idols don't really seem like idols... but they are. I know it because letting them go all but kills me. Yet, He promises me better. He will replace everything I give up with more of what He desires. Isn't that what I want? I may not understand or see the direction He is leading, but it is His voice that I long to hear.
During the afterglow, the worship leader sang the song "Nothing but the Blood of Jesus". I have been listening to that song frequently on my jogs. I am familiar with it and love it. Tonight, for what seems like the first time, I HEARD it. "Nothing can for sin atone, nothing but the blood of Jesus. Not of good that I have done, nothing but the blood of Jesus." ONLY the blood of Jesus. Not me, my good, my will, my anything, can make up my sin debt. HIS blood. It is the only thing that can save. I take a lot of the burden on myself, and I have no authority to. I cannot change my standing before God. He is the one who intervened on my behalf. So, why do I struggle with the things He is asking me to let go of? Why do I cling to my bags and refuse to put them down? Rhetorical questions!
I am constantly reminded that I have a choice. The section in Deuteronomy 30:14-20 has been a favorite of mine lately.

"But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can do it. See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil. If you obey the commandments of the LORD your God that I command you today, by loving the LORD your God, by walking in his ways, and by keeping his commandments and his statutes and his rules, then you shall live and multiply, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land that you are entering to take possession of it. But if your heart turns away, and you will not hear, but are drawn away to worship other gods and serve them, I declare to you today, that you shall surely perish. You shall not live long in the land that you are going over the Jordan to enter and possess.
I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live, loving the LORD your God, obeying his voice and holding fast to him, for he is your life and length of days, that you may dwell in the land that the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them."

Choose life, that you may live. This is my crossroad. It has been a long time since I have lived. I have spent years trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I realize that this is idolatry. I can only be who God wants me to be. This is going to be a tough one to hold on and stay true to in the coming months. I want to do what is best always. But that best is always for everyone else. God wants me to do His best. That looks very, VERY different than how I have been living. I am so glad I have His strength to rely on!
On a side note: Today, we saw a baby deer, as a pet! We also were kicked out of the gypsy village by cops and I still have no idea what they were trying to tell us! I was pretty sure we were going to end up on the wrong side of the napoleonic law! Praise God for the (few) hungarian words I have acquired! For without them, we may be sitting in a cold jail... Good Night!