http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y56nxe5HeFI

The story of my life!

It's Your Life... How Are You Going To Live It?

From the time I can remember, I have always been a people-pleaser. I have worked my hardest to stay in the good graces of everyone I came in contact with. I always tried my best to be kind. I gave and loved. I have lived my life for others. It has been a blessing and a curse. It has been an obvious blessing because I have been able to be a part of so many things bigger than me. I have seen the downfall of this more as of late. I am learning that I gave my life away. I see how I missed opportunities to do more and be more. I see how I allowed others to govern my life. I wanted to make everyone happy. I wanted to be found worthy. I wanted to be a blessing. Now, I am faced with a harsh reality. No matter how hard you try to please others, it is ultimately your life. You have to decide how and who you are living it for. That truth hurts. I must choose where to go with that.  Life will be lived. How am I going to live it? I realize in this season of being alone that I cannot throw out people, but I have to throw out my mentality. Struggling to do what is "right" for everyone else's sake is not going to fix anything. I have to look and see what God is calling me to do. This has caused me to separate myself from many friends to press into what God wants of me. It will take me from places I loved, and ultimately change my life. The longer I pray about it, the more I am strengthened. I am seeing that I can do all things in His strength. Even when it seems impossible. I am anxious to begin what is next. Unfortunately patience is not my strong suit! How ironic that I have to patiently wait to move on! It is like pulling a number and sitting at the DMV. You know what you have come for. You filled out all the paperwork. Now, you wait until your number is called so you can take care of business and move on to other things.
I am so blessed to see God working in our life. I know that He will continue to move and guide. I have been encouraged through His word, prayer, worship, and even nature around me. I am loving my kids more and more each day. They are such a blessing! I realize that everyone loves their kids, but I am so grateful that my kids also love me back. I have been enjoying my time with Leah. She is such a funny girl. She is growing up so fast! I miss having friends, but I love spending this time with my family. We have been listening to church online. The series is called "playlist" and it is going through the Psalms. It is cute to see Christian take the lead and ask what we think. It is sweet to hear Leah understanding the spiritual principles that are being taught. How quickly it all goes. Make the most of it! I know my life is going to be different, but I am glad I get to experience it with those I love most. It will bring various emotions and sometimes seem impossible. Yesterday I was listening to Beth Moore and something she said stuck out to me loudly. It was about a portion of scripture found in Deut. 8. It talks about the promised land. She explained that the difference between the wilderness and the promised land is that God no longer gives provision in its form. He takes us from the wilderness: a place where everything we need is provided and the brokenness of spirit is renewed. Then He brings us to the promised land: where we must take the provisions and  create what is needed. Now, before you freak out- I am not saying this means you begin to work on your own. No, it is a land where God provides for you, but you are required to act. You must plant the wheat, grow and water it, harvest it, break it down, bake bread with it. (This analogy is quite ironic being as I cannot even eat it!) It is the place where you are able to allow the Holy Spirit to work through you, as well as in you. I look forward to what and how God plans to work in our lives when we return to the states. Meanwhile, we will press into God while we wait in this gorgeous wilderness He has us in!

Sick :(

Can you find the drama frog I almost stepped on during a jog?

Today we had plans to go out and explore. Yesterday I felt sick. Today, I feel like death. Guess exploring will have to wait. Lord willing this will pass soon. I haven't had a stomach flu this bad I  awhile. At least not without Gatorade.
This week the weather dropped 20 degrees in a matter of days. The other night brought a storm so loud I felt like we were in a tent! The rain that followed the rest of the week has been beautiful. The cold is nice now that we can work the heater! Sweaters and scarfs. Gloves and beanies. Ahh fall, you are glorious! I am so sad that I have to spend today in bed instead of enjoying the train and exploring new cities. Oh well! Here's to watching Pride and Prejudice for the 5th time and drinking detox tea in hopes of a better tomorrow! Happy weekend!

Remember this...

"The simple fact of being in the presence of The Lord and of showing Him all that I think, feel, sense, and experience without trying to hide anything, must please Him. Somehow, somewhere, I know that He loves me, even though I do not feel that love as I can feel a human embrace, even though I do not hear a voice as I hear human words of consolation. God is greater than my senses, greater than my thoughts, greater than my heart. I do believe He touches me in places that are unknown even to myself." Henri J M Nouwen


Today's reminder to myself in this: To seek God means that I must first allow myself to be found by Him.

Hope in Him

Pumpkins are always better when you pick them!

                                           
                                                    Hope is the thing with feathers
                                                         That perches in the soul
                                                And sings the tune without the words
                                                           And never stops at all.
                                                               Emily Dickinson

Some days feel hopeless. Everything seems so meaningless. Then I am reminded that my life only has meaning when it is centered in God's will. The hard part is to do it! What is God's will for me? Where do I find hope in this life I am living? How can I remain focused on God instead of becoming consumed with my feelings (or lack there of)? Choice. I have to choose. Many choices have been made for me, but hope is my choice. I get to look ahead through the promise that God will never leave me nor forsake me. I have to believe that He is preparing the future even as I fret in the present. I must allow Him to take the past and cover it in His blinding grace that washes away the pain and sorrow of death. Hope. It is in all of us. The desire for things to change. To become better. To be true. My life has been a sort of roller coaster when it comes to hope. I was an optimistic  child. Then, as life etched away at my bright ideals, I slowly watched my hope dissipate. Little by little it ran down the drain. Here I am, so many years later, trying to replenish the hope that has all but gone dry. Fighting to trust that God can saturate this life with Him and renew the death with life. Clinging to Him in the midst of agony and fear and trying to make godly decisions in the choices that are before me. I am reminded of a song from high school by a group called PFR. It was called "where is God in all of this". I know He is here, but I am at a loss. How do you move on when everything seems so bleak? Hope. I will choose to have hope in The Lord.
His promise is that I will receive it. It just may not look like I thought it would!


Lamentations 3:25 NIV
"The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him"

Tuesdays are...

I am sitting here watching Leah do gymnastics. We thought coming to Hungary would tell us if she was through or if she would want to keep going. I believe she wants this. I am watching her work on form, try things she basically refused to do back home (for years), and apply herself as well as the corrections given. It is funny to think that this girl almost quit. Here she is now, having missed 2 months and grown a couple inches, having to work really hard. Probably harder than the times she wanted to give up. She has committed to running with me to keep up her cardio, she has been strength training with her dad, she has shown a drive that has been nonexistent up until now. We wondered how she would respond to this. Would she give up? Would she decide to pursue other things? Yet today, I see her. Determined. Focused. Choosing to work hard for something she deems worthy. What more can a mother ask for? I am blessed by watching her. Instead of looking at her circumstances and deciding it makes more sense to give up and move on, she stayed put and worked harder. How is it that we can learn from our children's responses? Aren't we supposed to be teaching them? Praise God that He is at work. I see His hand, even in moments like this!

The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Yesterday I ventured out on a new road. I decided to venture outside of the quaint city road I have been jogging along. When I reached the square, I decided to make a left on the road that leads to Palfa. I have been terrified of this road. It is a little curvy, no sidewalk, 2 lane, cars and buses going 80mph+, and laden with bugs! Throw in the uneven gravel and you can see why I was certain it would be my last journey! It was just that I needed more time. I needed to clear my head. Get it to stop. Boy did it work! Between dodging holes and bugs I was occupied. Add to that the heart attacks from speeding vehicles and it made for my best timed miles ever! Who knew impending death would speed a person up?
On the way back, I began to get overheated. I was forced to stop about 6 mi in. Once I did, I began to look around me. How was it that I did not notice how incredibly beautiful everything was? I was literally right next to a river I didn't even notice! I ran right past a herd of cattle grazing. I passed many scenes of splendor. Why? Because I was so focused on where I was going. Occupied with what lied ahead. As I sat on the stairs that led down to the river, I thought of the things I was running from. The thoughts I was trying to push out of my mind; that had ultimately led me here.
I have really been struggling lately. I could tell you all the areas and what not, but the bottom line is trust. Not people trust- God trust. I have been searching for answers I already know. I have been killing myself to go around the one thing He has asked of me. I can see it. When I dig into the center of my heart, the core of it is me- selfish me. As I have gone through the account of Saul and David, I have really been struggling through it. Mainly, because I am looking more like Saul and less like David. Saul is searching. He was given a position of King. He blew it. David came into the picture. Saul sought David- hunted him even. David never responded in vengeance. It got to the point where Saul was ending the chapter praising David and God, and starting the next chapter hunting him. Saul got to the point that he wanted to hear God so badly, he went in disguise to a medium to hear from Samuel, who was dead. Man, how do we get that far? How does one get so messed up? Easy- self-reliance. Saul relied on his abilities. Yet, he was not secure in them. Everything about his reign shows us that. After reading, I started the second lesson of the Beth Moore series I am listening to. That was what started the entire running journey. As I was listening, it was on trust. She was sharing the verses Deut 6:4-9. Look it up if you don't know it already! Verses 4-5 were particularly difficult because it required something I have not wanted. I hear what God is asking and I know Who He is, but am I doing it? Do I love The Lord with all my heart and with all my strength and with all my might? Sadly, I had to confess the answer to that. I couldn't as I was reading and listening, but when I ran down that road, I realized I knew the answer already. I did not. Because if I did, the center of my heart would be Him. I would trust Him. The past few years have been like that two-lane road. Plodding along, not taking time to stop and see what is around me. Not trusting God with what He is doing. There is so much to be said about solitude and hearing God's truth. I am learning that I may not always like what I hear, but it is so wonderful to know that God is always there to speak!
"Who is like You, O Lord!"

Sunday is the new Friday

Sunday morning walk

I am so sore!!! When will I ever learn?
It all started last week... Well I guess this summer. I have been on a liquid diet, which always means some weight loss. I hadn't realized how much until we broke down and bought a scale (for Sammy's mental health) I figured cardio was enough to tighten up. Last week, however, I noticed my arms were flabby. Incredibly flabby. Like, don't clap flabby. So, I set out on iTunes to see what I could find beyond planking. I was so overwhelmed until, peeking out from the various Zumba wannabes and hip hop workouts was an old familiar friend. Mr Billy Blanks. (Side note: if you ever want a great laugh, look up his son's workout DVD! 😂😂😂😂) He just released a new series this year, and it had great reviews. It was called Tae Bo express. Basically, it is Tae Bo cut into 8 separate 10 minute workouts so you can customize it. I have fond memories of Billy when we saw each other 2 times a day for 3 months after I had Leah. We were BFF's. Of course I had to get it! Last night, I decided to try it out. I had time to kill since I was roasting pumpkins and the boys were playing some killing game on the computer. I put on my tennis shoes, set up the computer and started the first workout- Boot Camp express. Talk about jumping right in! While much older, he still can jump! He also still lies about "last sets" and forgets how to count. It didn't take long before I realized I was going to be sore! Somewhere between the traveling sumo jumps and the burpees I wanted to die! And that was only after 10 minutes! The next one was kicks and punches. I loved that one. Then came abs. I HATE abs. A lot. It also reminded me that I hated it then, also. After abs was ...warm up? That was when I looked online and realized they were out of order! So I (gladly) stopped to put them in order. By then I was dripping in sweat! It was pretty gross! Well, I am supposed to do it again today. I am going to be glad if I can walk up the stairs or lift my hands! Cardio? No Problem! I have been doing 5-6 miles a day. But isolated toning? Oh how I hate it! Well, I guess I better go start it! I hope your Sunday is great!

Hungarian Vandals! ;)

Fall is in the air!

Plagues

It seems like Hungary is a place of Plagues! We arrived to the plague of hornets. Those bugs are the creepiest, largest bugs I have ever seen! The first week we were here one decided to fly into our place. Sammy killed it after a (quite funny) bit of a fight. The next evening, 6-10 of them were dive-bombing our screens. It was insane! So, I looked it up online and found out that, when threatened, hornets let out an attack pheromone. Basically, they are gangster bugs. They did not relent, either! We ended up killing a few more in our house before they killed the hive and bugs. Next plague was Mosquitos, which are still happening! We have had bees, flies, lice (well , not us praise God), and now... Ladybugs. Yup, red spotted bug flying right at your face, covering all the buildings- everywhere! The small children are in love. It is adorable to watch them chase the bugs and try to catch them. It has been so beautiful and warm this week- it is hard to believe that it is supposed to be incredibly cold next week! The way the weather changes here reminds me of Little House on the Prairie.

Today, I decided to make gluten free tortillas. They have been a nemesis of sorts for the past couple years. I am always leery every time I bake or cook. Everything I use here is so different, I never know what I am going to get! But, it worked! I was so happy! I made 2 beautiful, flexible flour tortillas. I could only manage to eat one, but just knowing I have dough in the fridge and it is possible makes me so excited!!! It's the little things!

Time just seems to fly by. I did not realize it is already Oct 11th! We have been here for over a month! We have done so much, so I know it has been that long, but it seems like we just got here! This week, we watched a show that had simultaneous episodes about a dog, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and Christmas complete with traditions. Add to that the first year I missed the PW conference, and it made for a terrible case of sadness. A reminder of the fact that life goes on. People move on. We will move on. It also reminded me that we have no place to call home. That was the hardest! When this is all through, we will have to start again. We will have to find a new home. We will have to create new memories and traditions wherever we are at. It was also the first time I allowed myself to realize that home may be outside of San Diego. Being here is helping me see beyond where I am. Beyond what I can imagine or control. The things that terrified me so much the past 3 years are gone and now I can see. I am no longer afraid of loss because there is nothing to lose! But it doesn't make it easy. Knowing that, I have to make a conscious effort to focus on today. It is super easy to get caught up in the "what ifs" of next year. But they will be waiting for us. So, I will look for ways to make this holiday season wonderful, but it has been terribly tough to find a comfort for missing Coco! Good night!!

Remembering Truth

Silver Linings

Silver Linings

In the midst of trials, I have been trying to find  silver linings. That is not always easy! I am fighting to face today and look for the blessing in it. Not tomorrow's blessing, or next year's blessing. Today. The silver lining today is that I don't have to go back. I am here, now. I am not there, yesterday. I have made it one more step. I am surrounded by beauty. I am loved and cherished by my God. If I choose to go back inside the depths of pain I have been delivered from, than that is on me. My sadness is my choice. My pain is my perspective. I am the one robbed of today and ultimately- Satan wins! So, while my heart tries to coddle my "right to hold on", my mind reminds me of truth. Grace won out. I am saved. I am His. Nothing in this world can compare to that truth. Even when it tries. Lord, help me to hold on to You and look for the silver linings. Even on days like today! 

Street vendors: my favorite 

Stillness of the Heart

 There is something about fresh morning air, fog, green grass, and fall leaves that captivate the eyes! New experiences everywhere! Today, 5 miles was a breeze with this newfound thing called a "season"! Somehow, there has to be a way to combine a tranquil ocean and an eerie forest in perfect harmony, right? Yeah- I know...

This morning, I was really impacted by a song that came on. It is called "You Speak" by Audrey Assad. It wasn't the first song that came on. I had music going the entire time. Yet, this song broke through my thoughts and demanded I focus on it. As I listened, I realized that she was singing exactly what I have been reminding my heart every moment. It is so encouraging to know that you are not alone in your struggles. The chorus says," In the silence of the heart You speak- it is there that I will know You and You will know me". There it is! My heart's cry as of late. I want to know God! I want Him to know me. I want Him to speak. Tears proceeded (because apparently I have become that person now) and I began to recall my devotional time. It has been rough reading the account of Saul and David- the stories of failure, the pursuit of evil. Instead of looking at it from a redemptive state, I have allowed myself to see the humanity of it. The fact that David ran for his life. That Jonathan was an amazing friend. That Saul was jealous and petty. That there is power in the voice of a King, and when He takes matters from God's hand and places them in His own, God takes that VERY seriously! So pondering and chewing on this section of scripture has left my heart full of loudness that has clouded the voice of God. His grace, love, sacrifice. It had kept me from the quiet place of stillness that allows Him to speak. Funny how we can ransom our quiet time with God! We can take time that is meant for God to speak and talk it all up with our ideals and thoughts. The song was a reminder that God is always speaking. Always! Sometimes, I just need to stop talking and listen. Be still! Not in actions. But in my heart. Stillness in my heart! How does one even begin to do that? I guess you just stop. Stop talking. Stop trying to figure it out. Stop interjecting. Then, the clarity comes. Oh Lord! Help me! This task is going to be harder than I know! :)

"God has put into each of our lives a void that cannot be filled by the world. We may leave God or put Him on hold, but He is always there, patiently waiting for us... To turn back to Him" - Emilie Barnes

"God waits for us in the inner sanctuary of the soul. He welcomes us there." Richard Foster

"To The Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years is as one day. The Lord is not slow in doing what He promises- the way some people understand slowness. But God is being patient with you. He does not want anyone to be lost, but he wants all people to change their hearts and lives." 2 Peter 3:8-9 NCV

Foggy morning splendor!