Empty house

 Sitting in an empty room is a little strange! Especially when it once held your belongings and loved ones. Slowly, day by day, it has returned to the plain shell we moved into. A house is just that. A home is what you make of that house. I am reminded of our first "house"- a 10x10 room that held all of our dreams and was filled with love. Oh how far we have come from the two naive kids that started off on this journey! Now, 16 years, 2 kids and a dog have changed our perspective. But, one thing has not left our mind. We are always looking forward to what God is going to do! So tonight as I sit here in this empty house for the last time, I don't have to be sad at what once was, but I get to look forward to what will be! Anyways, Isn't looking forward to something so much better than looking back? I choose to think so! God is constantly calling us to move forward down the road He is paving for us. Calling us to press on towards the goal of Heaven.

On a side note - we were visited by a runaway puppy today! He was so sweet and cuddly. Of course Leah wasn't here! She ALWAYS misses the fun! 

 

 God is my portion and my delight; my hope in whom I have trust.

Pain rips, sears, floods

With overwhelming vengeance

Hopeless, desperate for more 

To satisfy it's craving 

Leaving devastation in its wake Ravaging deliberately the tenderness of flesh

A place where no man sees

Where no sun shines

A hollow grave lay deep within the heart

Where once was flourishing life

BUT GOD

Who came in Light

And penetrated deep in

sorrow-filled wells

With His own flesh and blood replaced

The aimless wanderings of 

Disabled creatures

Once paralyzed in anguish

Now free and whole

Basked in the glow of warmth

Pouring forth from infinite 

Grace and mercy

Entombed in man from eternity

Available to all who open their eyes

And see the hand that reaches out

From death to life

We are transformed with

Burdens to lay aside and armor to fight

The searing, ripping, jolts no more

The pain - reminders that we are

Waiting for Our groom to come

And whisk away His bride for

ETERNITY

Where pain is just a memory

And blissful prose and melody

Will drip from tongues of perfect beings

In harmonious anthems 

to the One who came and ransomed captive His people

With Love

In High School, I enjoyed writing poems. This poem was written after an incredibly terrible time in my life. It caused me to turn my back on The Lord for a brief season. I hardened my heart to His voice, and I was miserable. I wrote this when I stopped fighting His will in my life. I found it in one of my old journals. It is funny because reading it reminded me of the day so vividly, but I hadn't thought of that day since. I guess that is the reason one journals in the first place? It was a summer evening and I was so over everything in my life. I ruined all options in my life because of my response to this situation. I allowed it to take away all the things I worked so hard for. That evening had marked one year from this terrible event. I had kept it in because it seemed the best thing to do at the time. But it changed me in ways that I still deal with today. That night, however, I sat in my favorite chair at the library and wrote that poem. It was the beginning of a greater work God was doing in my life. A work that will continue until I am home with Him! 

Best dog ever!!!

Oh, Coco! The best running partner a girl could ever have! I will miss you this year! You, by far, will be the most difficult part of leaving! I look forward to the time we get to include you in our family once again.

This week is going to be the most difficult by far! I have come to terms with so many things, but a Coco has been the hardest. I am blessed that she will be loved! Yesterday was hard for me. I couldn't even say goodbye. Why is it easy to bid friends farewell, but the thought of a year without my doggy makes me a mess? Maybe it is because she loves unconditionally. Well, she will be missed.

Unattached

Man! I do not like packing! Today was supposed to be easy! Leah had already packed before she left for a sleepover. It was supposedly ready for painting. HA! Well, I really hope Leah wasn't too attached to anything, because it really is all packed now! (Maybe most is packed in the trash)
Each kid was given a box- 14"x25"- to fill for Hungary. Clothes, shoes, whatever they wanted to take. It is strange how unattached to things you become when you can only bring what fits in a box. I am realizing how unattached I am to everything! I just want to throw it all out, give it away, or sell it. I guess I have just had such an upheaval this past summer that I realize none of these things we hold onto really matter. Sure, here on earth they make a difference. But oh how much junk we have! In closets, in drawers. Junk everywhere! I cannot believe how much we stored away! Books, bags, papers, so much that I hadn't even remembered storing! I think after getting rid of everything, we have about 2-3 boxes per room. Crazy! All the things we thought we needed but never even gave a second thought!  It has made packing a lot easier!
In just over a week we will move our family away from everything they have ever known! They are so excited! Monday starts school, along with the mad dash to finish everything up state-side.
New adventures await. First Hungary, then who knows? God- that's who! I am starting to miss everything a lot less. I am able to walk away from things that seemed so overwhelming before. I am beginning to realize that change was inevitable, and I am so glad God is guiding us through this one. I am also learning to "let it go" and stop worrying about the "what if's" of life. I am so glad for God's peace. I have been reading a book about Grace, and it has been a constant reminder of how much God loves us. I was blessed by this today, "Grace mean that God already loves us as much as an infinite God can possibly love." God loves us, me, as much as He is capable of- infinite and immeasurable. That is the God we are adopted by! That is our Father. The One who saw our life from the beginning and sees it to the end. The completed work. Oh the hope that brings! Now, to finish packing!

Worship The Lord!

Worship
An act of adoration and praise
Love poured out generously from one person onto a being or entity deemed worthy

Worship has always been a huge part of who I am. Growing up, I was never fanatical. Not regarding boy bands, or pop culture. Not in regards to fashion or even activities. Maybe in regards to education (cough cough *nerd*). The one area I fixated on was music. I loved it. Not your average radio station melody. REAL music. Written on staff paper with lines and dots, representing beauty poured out from the composer's heart with passion and pain. It was exhilarating to hear. To FEEL. I remember going to the symphony with friends (no, they weren't 50) and sitting in the audience. I would close my eyes and let the music overwhelm me, like an ocean's tide shifting and swaying my emotions in its power. I would travel the journey. The ups, downs. Everywhere it took me. I would be so enthralled in its splendor that I found myself holding my breath! The gift of a musician's fingers flying over strings and keys articulating a beautiful story. Every musician poured into their role and released the finished work in unison. They were just as awed as I was. My mind would be swept away in the tone and dynamics of the piece. It was wonderful! When we left, no one was able to put into words the feelings we had experienced. We all just knew. The somber joy caused by the immersion of our heart was inexplicable.

This past March, I was blessed to share on the topic of worship with the women at Calvary IB. It was tough, because it is almost impossible to take a part of who you are and expose it for others to see. Like the moments after the symphony- words were hard to formulate. It was basically a tutorial on the "hows" and "whys" of worship. The only way to help them see was to usher them in. We spent the remainder of the time surrendering our hearts, minds,wills and weaknesses to the One who is worthy. The One who laid His life freely for each and every one of us. What an amazing feeling to come to a place where your hands are lifted high and your heart is completely yielded. Imagine the sight from God's vantage point! His crazy, messy, sweet, emotional children, down at His feet holding their arms up to Him! Their longing and need weighing heavy in His presence. A longing to be held. To be near. Oh how He loves the praises of His people! Not because He loves to be praised! But because He LOVES HIS CHILDREN! Why do we fight the way we were created? Why do we fix our eyes and heart to worship things that are no where near worthy and replace the One who deserves all? Oh the selfishness of man. I am so grateful that God sees us and knows us. I am also grateful for the heart He placed in us and the longing He has given us. Worship The Lord because He is worthy!!!

On a side note - 16 years ago I said "I do" to a young man who would change the course of my life forever! He is strong, passionate, caring, loving, and my best friend. Some of the years have been tough, but the foundation of God in our life has brought is through many difficult situations and will continue to keep us. Happy Anniversary, Sammy!
Deuteronomy 4:29
"Seek The Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul."

The weight of the world rests...

I have a horrible tendency to take everything and place it on my shoulders. If something needs to be done, I will do it. I am trying to learn to share the load. This is new and poses its own complications. The control freak in me is fighting for life as I put it to death. The the emotional side of me wants to simply give up all control and become robotic, but that is not a possibility either. There is a balance of perfect peace In there. Will I ever find it? I pray I do!

It is strange to live in a house that is for rent. People drive by many times daily and slow down in front to take a look. It is pretty creepy when you think about it! Strangers looking intently in the windows of what used to be your home. People vying to make memories in a place that will soon forget you existed.

Isn't that life? A jigsaw puzzle- little pieces put together to make a scene. Up until now I feel like our life was a preschool puzzle- complete with small handles and shapes cut out to the outline of each piece. So simplistic and centered around our favorite objects or interests.

Now it is time to grow up and put the  board puzzles away. The new puzzle has been emptied out in front of us with all it's foreign pieces. There is very little clarity in the pile, and that is a good thing! When the puzzle was a baby puzzle, we were able to take control and put it together ourselves. This puzzle requires help. This is how it was supposed to be all along.

God holds the lid and knows what it is supposed to look like- not us. We can only allow Him to put the puzzle together. I am watching how as My husband and I let go of all the things we were trying to do- all our puzzle cutouts-God works things out. We are still required to participate in the puzzle process, but we are not putting it together on our own.

Oh puzzles! I realize I miss the babies more than I thought! I can see them sitting at their little tables in their little chairs with their wooden puzzles. Their chubby hands fight to get the pieces in just right. Some faces are complex and focused, others begin to play with the pieces in frustrated distraction. Help was rarely employed, but when asked they wanted complete deliverance until they caught on- then they desired independence.

What lessons we learn about our human nature through working with children! Lord, we are such stubborn, selfish people! You are so patient and loving! Help us to yield to You and trust You with all we have!

Oh the places you will go!

It is starting to look like we are leaving! Boxes are getting packed, things sold, a prior life stored away until we need it (or don't). I am surprised at how much we have been able to get rid of! I didn't realize we had so much we didn't need.
What a month this has been. Between living life as if nothing has changed and closing life in the face of change, it has required a ton of effort. Trying to squeeze moments in with everyone we love has proven to be difficult. I know there are so many we are unable to get together with. I am so sorry! Know that we love you all!
It has been painful letting go of things. Not physical things per say, but things none the less. Things like friendship and fellowship. Ministry and family. Emotions and facades. I know the past two months have brought me closer to The Lord and my family. I am nervous and excited to see where God takes us in life. I know that we will never be the same, and that is not a bad thing! There has been such a freedom in sitting at the feet of Jesus. I have only known this life and it's familiarity, but I know God will give me the ability to learn in the seasons to come. I have only lived in Southern California- that will change. I have never attended another church but Calvary San Diego, and that will change also! I have been virtually in the same place for most of my life! 28 years at CCSD! How it has been a good place to serve! As we go to Hungary and take a break in serving to focus on our family, we pray for all those who are serving here in this place we love so much.
Ministry- it is what we are all called to do. We don't have to do it in a building or full-time as a pastor. We can minister through prayer and encouragement. Loving those around us. Being a light in the workforce. Serving the least of these. This new season will be interesting! Starting over isn't always easy and doesn't always seem to make sense. The beauty is that we are His children and He will use us anywhere if we yield to Him! Hungary is going to be the beginning of a new perspective. I am nervously anticipating His guidance. I am curious where we will go from there! Oh the possibilities when you let go of it all!

Dr's week

This week is Dr's week for us. I am currently sitting in a cold room waiting to hear my fate. I am praying that everything goes well and I do not have to have surgery. Tomorrow, I travel down the road from here to see if Christian's heart is ok. Once cleared, we will talk corrective surgery. Man, what a tough summer this has been! I am excited to get through this week and move to next week! Lord willing it will be Dr free!

As time winds down for us, I am getting more excited! Partly because my family has never done anything like this. Partly because I am ready to start moving forward! Christian starts school the 25th- which will be quite interesting since we are packing and cleaning that week. Poor kid! He is a trooper! He may be doing school at Starbucks😊
Leah is doing her social rounds. She is so adorable! I can't keep up with her.
I am so amazed at all God is doing and I am grateful for all prayers on our behalf! God bless you!

Give us this day

Life is a gift from God. We are not assured of tomorrow, but we are here today. I have been so fixated on the future that I lose sight of that fact. We are so busy everyday. They have just been slipping by! I have been running around like a crazy lady! Wednesday, I had to take Christian to Urgent Care for some issues he has been having lately. He's had them for awhile, but they are getting worse. This visit prompted a bunch of other visits to check his heart and rule it out. Then, he will have to have corrective surgery on his sternum. Thankfully, he should be able to wait until we get back. It seems like there are so many obstacles to leap before we leave! Thursday was victorious in that we sold a bunch of large items and cleaned/got rid of all the sunroom things. Then, the dog was sprayed by a skunk again! It seems like everything has been one step forward, a hundred steps back!
It was kind of sad to get rid of all of my hobbies, but I know that God will provide things if I need them. I enjoy doing so many things, and this next season doesn't really lean towards crafting and decorating. I can't wait to box everything up! It is so chaotic in our place! It seems like everywhere you turn there are boxes! But that is a good thing, since we have to have everything packed sooner rather than later.
   Yesterdsy we took some time out to sneak away and visit a place I haven't been to for awhile! 2Good2B. Then we hung out with some of our favorite people. Evan has grown up SO MUCH in the past 2 months! He is such a little person. It made me realize how much I miss everyone and everything! I can't wait until daily life no longer requires me to pass by and ignore my life past. It is so hard to stop investing in something you gave everything for. God is good, and strong. His strength in me is the only way I can walk by and keep walking. I miss it all so much! I believe that God will work so much in the lives of the people at CCIB. I look forward to hearing about what God is doing in the church when we get back to San Diego!
I started reading the book "Amazing Grace" this week. It is quotes and bible verses. This quote really ministered to me:
"God guides us, despite our uncertainties and our vagueness, even through our failings and mistakes... He leads us step by step, from event to event. Only afterwards, as we look back over the way we have come and reconsider certain important moments in our lives in the light of all that has followed them, or we survey the whole progress of our lives, do we experience the feeling of having been led without knowing it, the feeling that God has mysteriously guide us." Paul Tournier  I am so thankful that God guides us through all things and that He will bring clarity in our lives! ALWAYS! I know it may not seem like it now, but I know from experience that God's hand is evident as you look back on the path you've come.

Love Letter Palooza!

Love Letter palooza

Today we cleaned out the sheds. In the process, we found all of our pictures. It was so fun to go through! Baby pictures, my old pictures, Sammy's old pictures, pictures of us before we were married. Laughter was abundant. The kids were dying at some of our pictures. Leah was mortified at my striped bathing suit top and my floral board shorts. Christian was amused by the various ways we exploited them in pose and props. Oh Picture People! How you got the best of their youth! They both laughed (hysterically) at the many Olan Mills pictures I had taken- during and after High School 😁 (don't judge! You know you have one)
The night took a turn when Leah opened the lid to a box that made her curious. She picked up a  bright pink envelope and asked," what is this?" Immediately, I yelled," NO! Don't read it!" She dropped it and looked afaid. I did not mean to startle her, but she had entered a land she did not want to go to. The box was filled with letters and cards from the year Sammy and I were engaged. I had no idea what the Kim of 17 years ago wrote in those letters, but there was NO WAY I was going to let her read them!
So, Sammy and I pulled them all out. I read the first one I wrote and it was super creepy! The content was all biblical and great, but it was a back-to-the-future moment! It was as if the girl who wrote those things knew exactly what I needed to hear right now. It is normal when you are going through something and a book ministers to you. Or maybe a quote or verse. But you? 17 years ago? Writing prayer and biblical wisdom for EXACTLY the things you are facing at this very time? SUPER CREEPY! And encouraging! Because that means God was already preparing me for this moment! How cool is that?
So, in reading all my letters I realized so many things. I was way more spiritual 17 years ago! Lol. But really- I was pretty preachy! I also learned that Sammy was my 2nd best friend (only to Jesus) and reminded him of that in basically every letter! I found out I promised to make him cookies I very well may have never made, but it's ok! He never took me on the picnic he promised me so we are even. I also learned I was cruel! I would send 4-5 page letters- front and back- almost daily to him. You may think that is sweet until you realize he is dyslexic and had such a hard time reading! It's ok! He got me back. I am happy to announce that his spiritual parallels have come leaps and bounds from 17 years ago! I laughed so hard I cried at some of them!!!
Man, Love is so blinding!!!! I also found a torn picture of just him. You know, the photo booth strips. I didn't understand it and thought maybe I tore it, until I came across a letter from him that explained it all. It said, " I have a picture for you. I tore someone out of it. Don't even ask who, but I did and kept me because I looked cute. I especially liked my jacket here." Yup- I married that one!! We laughed so much tonight. Memories are fun. I have had some sad ones lately, but tonight was refreshing. I often found myself reading my own writing and wondering who I even was!!! Such faith and trust. Reliance on the promise of God's word. Transparency. Freedom. The longer we live in this world, the more it wears on us. The very real struggles of that young girl pale in comparison to the things I face in this moment, but the truth of God's words then are no different now. What a weird thing to go back in time and see God working in your life. Tonight's reminder came at the perfect time. I am so glad to look back at a life built on trust in God, seeing that He is the faithful one in this relationship!

Beauty is in the eyes... Of a child

There are so many things in life to be grateful for. Why do we spend time chasing happiness when we can have joy? Why do we fight God instead of trusting Him? When someone figures it out, can you please tell me? Yesterday I took Leah along on my coveted beach walk. My favorite part about that walk is the solitude. It was a bit different having company (that wasn't a doggy). Let me tell you a little about my wonderful daughter. Leah Joy. She is named so appropriately, as she is such a joy in our lives.She is one of the most genuine people you will ever meet. Sammy and I often joke that she was the recipient of all the good in each of us. She is sweet, compassionate, giving, and logical. She is gifted in so many ways. She is athletic, smart, musical, easy-going, and beautiful. I sometimes watch her and realize that she will never know how truly beautiful she is! She demands no attention for it, which makes her even more beautiful. And her heart! Oh how she loves! She is an amazing young woman. Well, that said, she was able to accompany me for her first time. I have walked that path a hundred times, but it was so refreshing to see it through her eyes. She would run and jump on any sea weed bubble she could find. She collected 10 sand dollars- perfectly intact. She checked to make sure they were not alive, and threw the live ones back into the ocean. The leftovers were for her to take home. Her desire? To paint designs on them and give them to all of her friends. She collected things that looked shiny and pretty. She ran in and out of the water. She stopped to pet every dog. She was grateful. She didn't worry about that afternoon, or lunch, or any other thing! She just enjoyed that moment for what it was. Sammy and I often talk about how our kids never experienced pain in life. How joyful they are because of it. Yet, in that moment, I realized joy is a choice. It is based on what we choose to fixate our vision upon. She was able to enjoy the scenery. She was able to appreciate every detail I took for granted all the walks prior. She helped me to see my surroundings in a different way. Isn't that what joy is all about? In life, I am often in such a hurry to go (I am not even sure what to) that I forget to look around. I am so fixated on the finish line that I forget to enjoy the ride! I am so task-driven. But God's desire for me is just the same as my desire for Leah (and Christian)- joy. I want to watch them love life. I want to see things through their eyes. I want to sit back and appreciate their unique perspective on things I have already experienced.  What a blessing it is to have children! It teaches us so many things about the nature of our Father!

16 Years of August

This month is our 16th anniversary. Where has the time gone! It flies by so fast. In 3 short years my son will graduate high school. 2 years later my daughter will follow. Sammy and I looked forward to getting them through and being together to enjoy the rest of our lives serving The Lord together. We will be done raising "kids" by 41. It was the only consolation to having a "surprise" baby. 😉 Yet, the grass is always greener on the other side. I look back at the early years and miss the moments that seemed so overwhelming at the time. I see where I should have slowed down and enjoyed the time instead of rush through to get to the next thing. Isn't it funny how we are? We fail to be content in our season. I know that is me. I look back and wish I could do things differently. Or, look forward in hope for easier times. But what about here and now? Right where God has me? Can I focus on that? I am realizing this is quite a feat. August, a month of celebration for us. Oddly enough I can count on 1 hand the amount of times we actually stopped to celebrate. Not this time. Going through pictures has brought back fond memories of my adorable kids. Packing will reveal more of our past in bittersweet, bite-sized moments. Treasures to remember and cherish. It is in this time of looking back and storing things away that I can expect tears and hesitance, but also joy and excitement. I will choose to celebrate. Healthy children. Loving family and friends that have come and gone. Highs and lows. Victories and challenges. Seasons that have passed on, as they always do. August, the month that always manages to bring us new things and take others away. I can come up with an example for every year we have been married! Funny- I hadn't even realized it until this moment. This August, like all it's predecessors, brings more distractions. So we will chose to celebrate. 16 years - every one with its own ups and downs- have come and gone, but we are still here. That is reason to celebrate. God is good.

4 weeks

Today's research: looking for gluten-free and corn-free products... In Hungary. Gluten-free would be a breeze! Corn is not! Gluténmentes. This word was all over the website for Tesco! kukorica(koo-kor-ITZ-ka). Often followed the previous word in the ingredient list😢
Also, our passports came in the mail. I am appropriately in agreement with the weather- gloomy. When will this Eeyore mentality stop? I can't wait until we get to the Airport! Then I can put all my effort and energy into... well, I am actually not sure what to yet but it HAS to be better because God said so, right? What a child I have become! Things have been a little difficult lately, and I turn into a kid all over again. The past couple months have been interesting to say the least! Some parts I could have lived without, some I am glad I went through. I look forward to seeing what God does this year! The past few have wreaked their havoc in a mixture of blessings and disappointments and I have finally come to a place where I have stopped fighting what God wants to do. The hard part is to keep going! I thought it was the other way around! But here- now- in the place where the Lord has my complete attention and has total control, I feel like giving up. For so many years I pushed forward and kept going as if it were no problem, however I often fought for control in the process. Somewhere within that is a balance. I am excited to find it! I know it is there! So I will keep moving on this road. This next month will fly by and, before I know it, we will be there. 4 weeks. I can make it through 4 busy weeks. Weeks of closures. Weeks of sad goodbyes. Weeks of packing and cleaning. Of dr. Appts and other appts. Weeks of purging- keeping only what matters and bringing only what is necessary. This will have officially been my toughest summer! But Sept. Is coming, and I can put it behind me! I can glean what the Lord wanted to teach me and work on what the Lord has in front of us. I am learning to apply Prov 3:5-6 in it's fullness. I realize I have NO understanding and I must trust in the Lord with ALL my heart. If I don't give Him all of it, there is room for me to lean on my own understanding. That is not a safe place for me! I am assured of His promise that He will direct our path if we trust Him with All... so that is my prayer. Complete and total surrender to Him. There really is no other way through the times that are unclear to us. Soon, incredibly soon, we will say goodbye to this town. To this home. To our puppy. To our family and friends. We will walk away with our luggage and board an airplane. (And apparently, my family has decided to use a brittish accent the entire flight😁😳) We will go to a place that we have never been. I am sure we will love the people! To hear the stories of what God has done in that country is going to be amazing. I remember praying for the very first Calvary there when I was a kid. Now, I get to see the fruit of prayer! I look forward to the experiences we will have together as a family. I look forward to moving forward. I look forward to pressing in. 4 weeks. If I can just manage to get throught these 4 weeks.