I Love Friday!

Today was a rare day. We actually were able to spend the day together as a family. I was bummed that we couldn't go pick apples, but we got to go to the farmer's market. It was pretty nice with the exception of the guy trying to get us to sign a petition that supports re opening the medical marajuana dispenseries. We also just hung out all night which was great! I am excited because tomorrow we get to do it again! For the first time in forever we actually were all home together! I am so blessed to have an amazing, funny, caring and loving family and I love spending time with them! Now, to sleep! Good night!

Feed on His Faithfulness

I have been trying to figure out all day how to put into words the things I experienced this week. I tried to post monday, but I just couldn't find the words to say, so I went to the gym instead. Yesterday I tried again but found that it was easier to grab my guitar and worship. So, here I am tonight trying to convey to you what the Lord did this week. I was blessed to attend my 10th Pastor's Wives conference for the past few days. I was glad to go, but I was torn because Sammy has been gone so much lately. I knew it would be what was best for me, and was prepared for whatever it was God had for me. I was not aware that I also needed to include the weather in my prayers, but I was surprisingly ok with the 106 weather. It was great to see ladies that I haven't seen in awhile and catch up on life. I was blessed beyond blessed at all of the love and attention we received from the staff and Pastor's wives that plan the event. It is so great to go to a place where they treat you like you are the most important person there. The theme was 'Feed on His Faithfulness' and we camped in Psalm 37. There were so many good things spoken, I don't even know where to begin. My favorite verse happens to fall in that chapter, which was nice, but I found a love for the verses surrounding it as well. I was especially impacted by verses 30-31."The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice. The law of his God is in his heart;his steps do not slip." (ESV)  I was exhorted by this. I was reminded that, if I claim to be righteous than my mouth should speak words of wisdom. If I am to make an impact for the Lord in any way, then I must be willing to stand up for justice and pursue righteousness no matter what the cost. Am I really willing to sacrifice my right to do__________ so I can be an example to others? And how about The law of God? Do I hide it in my heart? Am I truly feasting on His word and applying it in all things? If so, then my steps will not slip. I often feel like I am sliding down a slope with nothing to grab onto, yet this promise tells me that is not so. If I am righteous- which as a believer I am- and I am meditating on His word so I can live it out, then I am safe. Even when I feel like I am flying down the hill with arms flailing, I am safe. He is with me. He is in charge of me. One speaker said this,"We often can appreciate the God of the past. We see evidence of His faithfulness and we are assured. We also can see the God of the future. We know His promise of heaven and the hope of His return. Yet we fail to look for the God of the present. We forget that He is here with us. He is a God we can hide in." I was so encouraged by that last phrase. He is a God we can hide in. By hiding His word in our heart, we reap so many wonderful benefits. I can rattle off all the verses that tell you about the benefits, but the main benefit is that when we scour the scripture to glean the treasure of God's word and feed on His faithfulness we are also hiding in Him. John 1:1 tells us the " Word was God". Not only can we see who God is by tucking those words away, we also begin to know Him better. We become more intimate with Him. We look for times to be alone with Him. We cry out to Him when we are weak and rejoice with Him when He is strong. I spent a lot of my free time playing my guitar and singing to Him. We spent so much time learning of Him and learning from Him that my heart just wanted to be with Him! I have been clinging to Him during this season of change and heartache and I am so blessed to see His healing has begun. He is so amazing and His ways are wayyyy beyond my understanding, yet I can look back at this past few months and say with assurance that my God is faithful. I left with a sense of awe. I am still trying to process the things He spoke to me and the way He comforted me and challenged me. I know I am so very far from the finished work He is creating, but I am so glad He is using this season to draw me into His heart and hide me there so I am safe!

my best friend

today I got to hang out with Sammy before he took off for the men's retreat. I am always happy when I get that opportunity. He is a blessing and it is nice when I don't have to share him with anyone, especially his phone! Right now he, along with several other men are at the men's retreat. Will you join me in prayer for them? I know the past year has been tough on so many families, and the men need our prayers. Prayer for strongholds to be broken and victory to be had. Prayer for God's grace to wash away the guilt and lies the devil has been feeding them. Prayer for repentant hearts and deeper commitment to the Lord. I know that the Lord has so much to speak to them and I am excited to see what God is going to do through this time. Thanks for joining me in this!

Just another Sunday

Today was a particurlarly strange sunday. I woke up with a migraine, which I guess isn't all to strange. I picked up my bible and began to read it. Also, not strange. I was incredibly tired and glad to read about God's blessings to Abraham. I covered Abraham's unbelief and lack of faith with Abemilech and his amazing recovery with his willingness to sacrifice Isaac, his son of promise. I was moved because it was so freeing to know that even great men of God wavered in faith and I am not alone. It was promising to see God continually remain faithful to what He promised Abraham regardless of his shortcomings. I went about getting ready for church ready to hear from the Lord. My head was still really bad, but I just wasn't going to let it win. I made it through worship before the pain began to get out of control. I haven't had a migraine like this in a while, so I tend to forget how quickly they can take over and how much control they demand. Before I knew it, I was racing to the back, overcome with nausea. It came and went and I spent the majority of the service in the restroom, but I was finally able to go sit down for the last 15 minutes. I got up and tried to navigate my way around to minister to others, but my head was not allowing me to do so. After a particularly awful situation, I went home in tears, ready to give up. Feeling completely defeated and utterly overwhelmed, I realized that he had done it. The enemy had officially stolen my joy. He turned my focus off the blessings of the Lord and put them back on my ailments and situations. The worst part is, I didn't know how to stop it. I did, however, begin to combat it. I prayed. and Prayed. and Prayed. The Lord used this to remind me that I may be getting beat up, but He always keeps His promise. He brought back to memory the story I read about Abraham and Isaac. He reminded me that He asked Abraham to trust Him and lay his son on the alter. The son of which all God's promises would be implemented through. It was a strange request for Abraham, I am sure, but he did as he was asked because he knew of God's past faithfulness. He knew God kept His promises, and with absolute certainty he said,"I and the boy will come back..." He trusted God right now. That is what God is calling me to do. I know the promise He has given me and I know that He is in control and that is enough. I can only trust that everything that is going on is part of what will make the fulfillment of Hos promise even sweeter. I don't know how He is going to do it, but I know He will. I am choosing to believe, Like Abraham, that He will do as He says. I am refusing to second guess Him as in the past and instead look to Him to fulfill the things He desires to do in me and through me. It definitely isn't easy, but neither was Abraham's act of preparing the alter that would consume his only son as a sacrifice. God isn't asking me to do the impossible, He is just challenging and encouraging me to hang on as He completes it. I am so thankful that in the midst of the storm He is calming the sea.

The Beauty of Being Broken

Sometimes I am hit with moments of nostalgia. Like at this past women's retreat. The guest musician sang a song(t though quite different than I remembered it) that brought back days from my youth. I had a similiar situation just this week. I was in Sammy's office printing things out for the very first CCIB women's study ever and I came across a little book. It was quite old. The cover was worn and the pages were yellowed, but it brought back so many memories. I was so stressed out, I decided to take a break and crack the book open. As I read briefly through the first few pages, waves of memories came over me. I was reminded of times when I was just a little girl. It was sunday evening, and I was a "big girl" and sat in the church service. I was often trying to follow along with my Pastor, but much of it was just over my head. I wasn't out of elementary school yet, and I definitely was not ready to dissect God's word. I was, however, quite excited when he would pull out this book. Many people would groan or roll their eyes, but it excited me. It gave me hope. You see, this book was about a young lady who loved Jesus. She wasn't a movie star or a famous person. She was a woman. A woman who simply loved Jesus and wanted to tell the world around her. That meant wherever she went. Her name was Ann Kimmel. Often those stories took place in everyday places, challenging people in ways they did not want to be bothered. This may be the reason why people groaned when he brought it out. All I knew is that, when my Pastor read this book it moved him to tears. It was in this reading that I saw his true heart. Even as a little girl, I realized that those tears were not because he was sad, but because he was happy. He understood. I didn't realize until years later  God would use this book to remind me of that. Being on this side of things, I realize something else. I realize that my Pastor knew who he was, and how much he needed Jesus himself. He knew that, although the road was hard and often lonely, it was worth it to see the hearts of the people turn to Jesus. Little did he know that, in sharing those wonderful stories from that small book so many years ago I would be ministered to.Starting a church is an exciting thing, there is no doubt about that. If you would have told me last year that in ten months the Lord would have us start a church, move into our own building,and hold our first women's bible study with 60 women I would not have believed you.Yet, here we are watching God move in spite of us, and we are humbled. I am often reduced to tears because of all that the Lord has seen fit to do through us. But I also know who I am, and how much I need Jesus. If there was ever a question before, it is gone! And yes, though this is exciting, it is also hard. God has asked hard things of me, seeking my full trust in Him. And it is often lonely. God is constantly challenging me to lay things down for His call in me. The result? Brokeness. It is not easy being broken. I was the kind of kid that broke everything, which is quite ironic if you know me now. I was careless and often covered in bruises. I was not a stranger to broken. But this is a different kind of broken. A beautiful broken. One that brings me to tears when I read about God's people doing His work. One that causes me to persevere through hard times. I am so amazed that one little book can remind me of so much, but I am so blessed that God uses little things in my life to put the big things in perspective. I am realizing that, when I am broken, I am able to allow His grace to renew me.

It's not called GymNICEstics!

This past weekend I was afforded a unique opportunity. Well, let me start from the beginning. Every year. Leah's gym hosts a few gymnastics meets. The first meet we host is generally in the fall. Fall is the beginning of compulsary competition. Last year we switched programs, so Leah was not competing this weekend. It was a change for me, as I generally volunteer anywhere that will keep Leah from actually picking me out of a crowd.This normally includes much hiding, which I have officially perfected. Since I didn't have to hide, I thought I would try something new this year. I bravely looked at the sign up sheet and wrote my name next to event timer. This seemed very scary to me, however, because it would place me next to the people we fear more than life and stay away from like the plague; avoiding eye contact at all costs. These people- The Judges. The Judge is infamous for many reasons in the gymnastics world. If you sat in a crowd during any session, you would know that they are (according to most parents): partial to private gyms, constantly misrepresenting the actual score of the event most girls have just competed, very mean, looking to fault the girls for any thing not limited to: picking wedgies, wearing nail polish, heavy make up, disheveled hair,jewelry,etc. They are also known to(again, according to the parents) score cuter girls higher than ugly ones, reward older girls with higher scores, and never smile.As a parent, my job is to be a nurturer. In the world of gymnastics meets, this means I hug my daughter, tell her I love her, and send her on her way. I also clap and am extremely proud of all of the girls on her team. I am elated when they excel at something they worked so hard to get and hurt when they are mustering all of their strength to finish after a mistake. I AM a nurturer. Yet, I was placing myself right next to the judges, and I was soooo nervous. I slept poorly and woke up early, afraid of what would happen if I messed up the time or, worse, if one talked to me. I showed up, exhausted, and I was ready to do my job. I had resolved to do this, and I would. I was given the task of timing vault warm up. My anxiety was lessened when I saw the cheat sheet left for me. I breathed a sigh of relief and awaited the first group. When they came to salute the judges, I was smiling at the adorable sight I saw before me. 6-8 year old girls, many competing for their first time. There were faces of confidence mixed with faces of fear. Glitter and ribbons were in abundance. Fidgeting was inevitable due to nerves. As they walked away, pulling and picking their leos, I was curious how anyone was going to be able to judge them! I just wanted to squeeze them all and make them feel better! Yet  3:45 seconds later, they ran down the vault run and the judges were in action. I was enthralled at the way the 2 judges could look directly at the girls yet score them on their papers at the same time. I was baffled that they would have scores that, often times, were almost identical to the other. They definitely knew what they were doing. I was amazed as they executed justice based solely on the vault performed in front of them. As a nurturer, I looked at the girls with love and smiled, hoping to will away any fear or trepidation they may have had. There was also one other aspect that was represented: The Coach. While parents are the nurturer and judges are,well, judges the coaches bring a perspective that was unique to each one. Some coaches spent the entire warm up coaching the girl to improve her vault yet remained quiet and supportive during the competition of it. Others were there to hug and comfort the girls, not really using the meet as a venue to coach but to enforce confidence in their gymnast. Then, there were the rest. You know, the one who my daughter will never be around, nor would her gym ever employ (thank you, Kristin!). Like the old guy who referred to his female coaches as his harem (to the judges) and the guy that kept sighing and rolling his eyes after every girl vaulted. It was strange to watch this interaction, because it varied so much from gym to gym.I was glad to know that many of the coaches were proud of their girls and that they often hugged them. It was a combination of the parent and the judge.It was comforting to know that, although they were being instructed and corrected, they were also being loved and encouraged. This was the point that brought me to a realization. I am going through so much in life, but I am not alone. I have a Father, a Coach and a Judge. The beauty is, I get to rest in the loving arms of my Father and walk with the help of my encouraging and instructive Coach. However, justice has already been atoned for. I do not need to worry about judgement! I have been covered by the blood of my Redeemer! He has paid the price and ultimately was judged for my performance- my sin. I am forgiven, and He no longer looks at me through the eyes of justice- scrutinizing my every move and failure. He looks at me through the eyes of a Father who loves and cherishes His daughter. He loves me. He is elated when I succeed and hurt when I hurt. He encourages me to do more, yet comforts me when I feel as if I can't do anything. He sings over me (Zeph. 3:17). His thoughts towards me are of peace, to give me a future and a hope (Jer.29:11). And ultimately, He paid the price for me. He willingly laid down His life so that I may live in fullness. I never cease to be amazed at how so many situations in life can bring me back to this knowledge. I realize that this is because so often I refuse to believe it. I know me, and regardless of how nice or loving I am, I can never be as loving as Jesus. I can only bask in the glory that He has allowed me to be His child. What better thing is there? I am so thankful for the loving people in my life and the lives of my family, as it reminds me that I have so much to be grateful for. As I left that day to continue working at the church, I was blessed. I realized many things through event timing. Judges are actually quite nice and amazingly gifted at what they do. You do not turn into stone when you look into their eyes. They do smile, and they like Nordstrom shoes, but do NOT like coaches to refer to their female coaches as their harem!

What Now?

I have been in awe of how much satan can throw at me lately. Doubts, insecurities, you name it, he's done it. I was challenged yesterday by a thought that came from (finally) watching the dvd for the study we will begin monday.I was reminded that sometimes when we are being attacked, God is allowing it to bring us closer to Him. It is so very true. Sometimes, we are dumb and we do dumb things and the result is not an attack but just our own stupidity. Other times, we endure attacks and we are aware that they are from the enemy trying to knock us down, only to be caught by the hands of our Father and lifted back up in fighting position. These seasons have been true in my life, but right now I feel they are not applicable. The season of attack I am experiencing is for my own growth. I feel like I am in a game of dodgeball all alone, and the enemy has unlimited balls. He is continually throwing them and I am hunched on the ground protecting anything my poor arms can cover. The Lord, however, is not deflecting the balls. He is instead standing next to me and making me aware of their coming. He is guiding me and forcing me to trust His voice. He can see how many balls the enemy has left, and if I simply listen to His voice I will make it out alive. I may have marks and bruises, but I will also have victory. You see, when you get into the ring with the devil, you better be prepared to fight! Staring a church is the same as challenging him to "bring it". I, however, underestimated that! EXTREMELY! I was ill-trained to fight someone with such knowledge. The beauty is, my trainer has all the experience I need. He has defeated my enemy! I can rest in knowing that His coaching will give me victory. The blows will eventually stop, but the lessons learned will definitely remain. It has almost become comical this week. I have watched what stress can do to me, and it is not pretty. Today, I am dealing with my computer. It has always been a good computer to me. I have only had it for a year, but it has done exactly what I asked of it. It is reliable and fast. Yesterday, however, it decided to freeze while installing the upgrades. I turned it off (I know, not the right thing to do) and rebooted it. After several black screens, I thought I was in the clear. Then, the windows installer box appeared. And appeared. And appeared. We could go on forever, because that is how much it did, but I won' t because I am sure you get it. I took all of my techie knowledge (none) and went to work. I defraged it. I ran scans. I updated every driver on my c drive. I tried to access it through other venues. Everything I tried failed, and I ended up just walking away. Today I decided to try again. With renewed energy, I turned it on, picked up my phone, and.... called a tech. His response? Everything I did already. I was actually impressed at first, until I realized I just paid a guy $30 to tell me nothing.He did, however, have one bit of knowledge I did not check the day before. I forgot about the event viewer. When I went there, I saw that my MSInstaller was hacked. The proof? An entire page of warnings with red triangles and exclamation points. I now get to pay someone to remove it (yay) so it can be my nice computer once again. Instead of finishing the last 5 things on my checklist, I will spend the day on Sammy's computer, changing user names and passwords. I am actually able to laugh today, though, because I know that I am going to make it through. I also know that this is happening for a reason. I just cannot wait to see what it is! Until then, I am praying and pressing on, knowing that the One who chose me for this will sustain me.

Belong

I just finished a nice, gloomy, long walk and I decided to stop and grab coffee and food for Sammy as a surprise.Well, I am here in a place where everyone is twice my age (at least) and they definitely know I don't belong. I feel them all boring into me with their eyes as I write this. Nevertheless, I will wait here because the blessing of the surprise for Sammy far outweighs the akwardness of this situation. I laugh because this is not  a feeling I am stranger to. So often I wonder if I really belong where I am at. I am so very greatful to have a loving family and we belong to eachother, but besides that the rest is always subject to debate. (Every time someone walks into this coffee shop there is a chorus of "hi, fill in the name"... yes, I am aware I am an outsider!)  I am also finding out that I belong in the most important place ever, God's heart. I have been spending time there and it is encouraging me so much. I am so unsure of all of the things I am going through and expected to acheive that I don't even want to think on them or I may break into tears. Yet this one thing is certain, I belong to the Lord! I am my beloved's and He is mine! So needed today! Now, to get out of this place where I am a stranger! :)

Holiness not Homieness

I have about a million things I should be doing right now, but somehow I don't have the energy or the heart to commit to them. Today has been an emotionally challenging day. The messages were very very challenging and difficult to swallow. This morning, we looked at Jesus commanding us to love others as He has loved us. That sounds easy, right? Well, remember that He loved us when we were "yet sinners"- basically when we were rejecting him. When we were fighting against Him, He loved us. When we were living for ourselves He was dying for us. His love is unchanging regardless of the things I do or ways I hurt Him. He does not measure His grace upon me based on my own merit. He never changes the amount of love He has towards me. This is how He is calling me to love. It is easy to love those who love you back, but oh how hard it is to show love towards someone who has wronged you. Now, add to that the evening service where we see men of God admitting blame and associating themselves with sin that was not their own. They were humble. They were not concerned about their place in the situation. They did not claim their innocence nor did they justify feelings of it. They did not dwell in their own situation but looked to the Lord to intercede, taking part in the fault for the better of the whole. They were wronged but chose to lay down their pride and seek forgiveness for something they were not guilty of. They pursued holiness. It was very hard for me to receive this, because these are the things God is working in me right now. It is always great to be on the positive end of hearing the sermon and relating to it. This time God was admonishing me. It isn't easy to deal with, but I know it will be worth the fight. I know that I am experiencing this season to prepare me for whatever lies ahead. Compassion and grace will now be companions when I counsel women who have gone through circumstances I may never understand. Love and encouragement will propel me in service to others. I have become more pensive, realizing that words have such power. I am being tried through the fire and watching the faithfulness of God creating holiness in me and helping me to walk in it. My mind is constantly battling to control me, but He has won out. I am choosing love and forgiveness because that is His example. He is taking me to a place that will make me usable for Him. I am learning what it means to fight the battle on my knees. So, on a night like tonight when sleep seems impossible and my heart feels so heavy, I am so blessed to know that although He is challenging me, He is also using me. That brings me such peace!

Perfect Peace

Often I think back to many things I read as a young girl. A Tale of 2 Cities is always fresh in my mind. I remember those books as if it were yesterday. Well, lately my life has been a tale of battle. I have been working through things that have clouded my heart and distanced me from my Lord. I have been reflecting on my character and challenging myself with God's word. When all is said and done, I am being brought back to a place where I can only move dependent on Him. I have been seeking Him to find His peace through this storm. I know that He is doing amazing things around us, but I am constantly having to battle the truth with the lies my mind can conjure up. I am having to check my mind and balancing it against the truth I have in the word. I have been plagued with things in the darkness of night, trying it's best to unglue me, yet awake to see the joy of the Lord in the morning.I have been pulling away from self-centered friendships and challenging myself to be involved with others.  Mostly, I have been learning how to be content in Him. This season has been a great preparation for what the Lord has in store. The women's bible study will be starting soon, and I am thoroughly amazed that GTod is bringing so many to study His word. I am told that this book will challenge the very core of our faith, causing us to decide if we plan on pushing forward in Him or giving up completely. I can honestly say that I have been there this past month. For the first time in my life I am learning how  much I need to be in control of my life. God is challenging me to choose, Him or me. I am so very blessed to say that He is giving me the strength to choos Him. His perfect peace is the only thing keeping me afloat in the constant storm.. The beauty is, I know this storm will pass and I will be better because of it! I encourage you today, if you are struggling with your worth, find it in Jesus. If you doubt your salvation, know it is given to you by the One who is victorious. If you are lacking faith, rely on Him to remain faithful because He is steadfast and never-changing. Come unto Him and allow Him to be your suffiency. He always desires to be strong in us, but so much more in our weakness. I am so grateful that He is the sealer of my fate and He is the one who pursues me. Seek Him, call on Him. He will answer you in your time of need and He will sustain you. What an amazing Father we have!       l

Painting is (not) fun!

Recently, I have been dealing with a lot on my plate. I tend to be the person the pushes forward until I am ready to drop, then goes a little more. This stems from so many things, but mainly from my independence. I often feel as if I am bothering others, so I just do it all on my own. I can do things on my own, so why not?  Well, I am learning the reason through many tough lessons. I tend to cut something out before it can hurt me. I pride myself in seeing it from far off and avoiding it at all costs. The past few weeks have taught me quite a few lessons. One of those lessons is this: I need others. I cannot keep pushing forward on my own. It has also taught me who I need most. I have been pressing into the Lord and studying His word, and am reminded of how much I need Him. I will be fine, and then feelings begin to surface and I realize I need Him. Insecurity begins to creep into areas of my life and I realize the solution is to seek Him. I am learning that I only have confidence in Him. I am learning how to navigate this life with Him at the wheel. Basically, I am aware of my shortcomings and going to the only one who can truly help. I am growing in my relationship with Him and being stretched is somehow less terrifying. I am still struggling with many of the feelings I had, but I have a Father who loves me so much, He holds all of my tears in a bottle. I am still trying to figure out the "why's" in my life right now, but I am learning sometimes I can't have all of the answers. Trust is the thing God is restoring in me the most. I am a leery person by nature, and  I need to learn to put my trust in Him, because He will never fail me. So many lessons as of late. I was painting (a lot) this weekend and I learned several things about myself. One thing I learned is that I don't care for painting. I thought I did. Actually, when Sammy first announced that we would be painting, I was super excited. I thought, 'here is something I will actually enjoy doing'. I showed up Friday excited because I didn't have to clean a nasty closet or remove weeds, I got to paint! I had great company and learned that my daughter is SO MUCH like her father. I enjoyed myself. The sun wasn't too strong. The area wasn't too large. It was baby steps. We finished an entire section and I truly experienced the old saying, "Many hands make the load light". Saturday came and we were back at it. We prepped the area we were going to paint by removing staples, bushes, etc and we were off. We put down drop cloths and grabbed our paint brushes. We were ready to paint. I was surrounded by great people and life was great, right? NO WAY! You see, today, we were on the back side of the building. Many of the spiders had the opportunity to "be the church" and we consumed liter after liter of water to replace all of the sweat dripping off of us due to the direct sunlight. I looked like a lobster regardless of the bottle of sunblock I applied throughout the day. Painting was no longer a fun experience, it became a chore. I began to look for opportunities to slack off, but had too much pride to actually do them. I was ready to leave, ready to quit, but I knew if I did the rest would surely follow! I prayed, hard, and endured. Monday morning we were back at it. I was excited again because we were getting to paint a new color. You see, that must be the reason I was not enjoying the job. Now that I get to see a new color and do the job so-and-so had, this will go better. While the shade and breeze were a welcome friend, I realized new things. I had to climb up a ladder. I had to be "perfect" or I would drip teal paint on the already painted beige building. New stress began to prove that this task was also not what I imagined. Well, after much hard work (after all, it was Labor day, right?) we left the place looking much better than before. I was exhausted beyond belief! I was appreciative of so many who sacrificed so much to serve. Mostly, I was glad to be done. I learned a lot, though. I realized that God gives strength to the weak, and boy am I weak. He also sustains us. I am so very glad, because I am in no way capable of living this life He has given me without Him. I also learned that He is using every inch of my life to remind me of my need for His sufficiency and trust. I am being reminded moment by moment of the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL of your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path."  The Lord taught me to be content where I am at. To be faithful in the things He puts in front of me TODAY and not look to the things tomorrow will bring. So today I am trusting in Him to see me through and carry me beyond the things that are weighing on me so much! I pray that you can do the same! God bless you!

Life is CRAZY!

There have been many seasons in our life. We have been blessed to see so many come to the knowledge of our Savior. We have experienced amazing joy and deep hurt. We have watched as God took many things and blessed them, as well as cut things out. So, when God called us to lead the people of Imperial Beach to Him, we had no idea of the attacks that would come! We have been in the ministry long enough to know that it does happen, and to a degree went through situations that clearly showed the battle we fight is not physical, however we have never experiences a season like this. I was blessed to have a friend in college who endured a lot of hardship. She was away from home and just a few years younger than me, but we got along very well. Her time at bible college was full of trials. It was as if the moment she decided to go to CCBC, she was open season for enemy darts. This was my first shot at ministry. I loved her, encouraged her. I made myself readily available for her. I admonished her and held her. I had fun with her and took care of her. Looking back, I see that God was teaching me how to carry someone's burden with them. I loved my time there and the blessing my friend was to me. I loved the fact that I was a nurturer. Most importantly, I loved the fact that God would take what little I had and stretch it to bless and minister to her. It was during this time I realized that God had given me this amazing gift: the gift to put others before myself. I knew it had to be from Him, because I was not capable of having that kind of love and compassion on my own. This was where I first began to believe God had called me to be the wife of a pastor. I had been told by many in my past that they had seen this call on my life, but I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANT! I married a guy who everyone pegged for the ministry and chuckled because I really knew him. Doubts were everywhere until this season opened my eyes. It was not long after that we began to work with Jr High kids. There were many things I told God I would not do, and somehow they were all the things He had me do. The "I will do anything but this" list included: Marry Sammy, live in the desert, teach Jr High, eat fish, etc,etc. Well, God definitely changed my heart and we were so blessed to serve the Jr. Highers. When we first moved back to SD, I had a hard time adjusting. I had a small baby and Sammy job required him to be the last one at the church. In those days, people did not have all of the tools we have to keep us connected, so they stayed for hours past the sermon. Some days we would not get home until after 11pm. I would put Christian in a backpack, enduring the pain that was associated with giving him free reign to torture me in a place I couldn't see it coming from. I would grab a vacuum or broom and help in any way possible just to get home sooner. However, when we finally got home, we would arrive to our college age neighbor blasting music from the 80's. She loved Prince (or whatever he is called these days) and Cyndi Lauper. Having a background in music, this was DEFINITELY not anything I would subject my worst enemy to. This season we were sleep deprived, stretched incredibly, and drained of every resource we had to offer, but God turned it around for good and we saw Him cultivate a ministry that is still thriving today. That brings me hope. As a giver, I would gladly suffer the pain so that others may see the love of Christ. This crazy life we are experiencing, I would not change for the world. I know that Sammy and I are not alone in this season of craziness. I know that many of those who are serving in ministry are enduring hits (many of them blows) and getting back up to fight. Can I encourage you with this? Keep fighting. Keep pressing on. I started the book of Revelation today and I was not expecting to be encouraged. How silly of me to think I can open up God's word and not be encouraged. Here is the verse the Lord spoke to me from. Rev. 3:11- " Behold, I am coming quickly! Hold fast to what you have, that no one may take your crown." Have a great day!

Let Go and Let God

Last week, Sammy and I were blessed to celebrate our 14 year anniversary. It is crazy, but 14 years seem both far away and not so long ago. I remember the day he proposed and the months leading up to it as if they were a lifetime ago but just yesterday. I also remember the excitement of preparing for life on our own. We were young and had little but we knew we had the promises of the Lord. He had put us together, and we knew He would guide us in the direction he wanted us to go. We were engaged a year; apart for most of it. The times we were together were often spent running around for the wedding. We were so excited to begin the rest of our life that we kept pushing off the most important question: Where are we going to go after we get married? Call us naive, and we may have been, but we were not really worried about that tiny detail (haha). We were best friends and we loved each other, that was all we needed, right? Well, as the day grew near my excitement grew, but so did my anxiety. Were we doing the right thing, pushing off decisions like this? Our friends that were also getting married had their lives planned out and ready to go, yet we were still "waiting on the Lord to guide us". Needless to say, this did not sit well with many people as our wedding grew near. Our families, our friends, and especially those who watched me grow up in the church. My bridal shower was full of them. 50 of the most amazing women came to bless me and pray for me as I began the journey. I was quite embarrassed being the center of attention and with 50 people, the gift opening process was an event. Quirky things were said and embarrassing moments were had, and then it was time for cake. The cake was my (least) favorite kind, a gift form my (actually) great mother-in-law, so I continually refused piece after piece that was offered to me. This left me without an excuse when the first inquirer came to ask me what our plans were after the wedding. I proceeded to tell of our honeymoon destination, trying to avoid the question. It did not work. She clarified her question (in the most genuine way), so I had to let her know we weren't sure yet. What followed was a small lecture on being responsible and making sure you plan your life, having goals and charting budgets. I laughed inside and brushed it off. I was okay until the next one came, then the next one. I began to see that this was a problem that I probably should be concerned about, and began to grow anxious. Sensing my anxiety a friend, who was younger than me, put her arm around me and asked what I was feeling. I began to share with her the things that were weighing heavy on my heart. She looked at me, nodding and tilting her head in the appropriate counseling way. When I had let it all out, she dropped 5 little words on me. She said, "Let Go and Let God", took my hand and squeezed it, then walked away. I was perplexed. What did that even mean? Let go and let God? I thought that was just something church ladies said when they were afraid to say they didn't have any answers for why things were happening. I began to ponder that, and moved forward. We got married 3 weeks later, plan intact and excited! We were living on the campus of the bible college. This is probably the best thing that could have ever happened to us. Studying God's word on a beautiful resort, food made for us and housing provided (or 10x10 room), as well as a weight room and job for Sammy. We couldn't wait to see what God was going to do. That September, we began classes. Things were great until, the following month, I began to feel awful. I was tired all of the time and began to throw up every morning. I tried to avoid it, but deep down I knew what was wrong. Despite all of our planning and goals, I was pregnant. I was so angry! Didn't God know we had goals and plans? I had showed Him the list for approval, and having a baby was still 3 years away. I had to tell Sammy, and he tried his hardest (as a 19 year old, newly married guy) to be supportive. He could sense my disappointment and stayed strong for the both of us! We lived in married couple's row, and there were 2 other couples pregnant, so when I went to them, they were so excited! (at least someone was) They had no idea the sense of impending doom that was lurking inside of me. When their happy party was over, I shared my heart and the 22 year old (who was due in 3 months) said, "Just let go and let God". There it was again! I just never got it! I began to make it my pursuit to never hear that phrase again. I planned and navigated my life in a way that would allow me the comfort of having to deal with little unknown. We later moved back to San Diego and ran the Youth Ministry. We made mistakes, grew a lot, but mostly, we were content. We knew what God asked of us and where we fit into it. Then, one day, it all changed. Sammy received a call that would spark a different "call" on his life. You see, Sammy was never the guy that looked at youth ministry as a way up the pastoral ladder. It was life to him. He knew the importance of instilling Godliness in the kids at this time and had a heart for it. He was mightily used by God, and we can see the fruit of it. So, when God began to call him in this new direction, it only made sense that we PRAY about it. A lot. I was immediately on board to do whatever he felt called to do. I had my reservations, of course, but he was an amazing man of God who had never once taken me out of God's will, and had proven the trust I had in him. We began praying for a small town, just down the street from where I grew up, and watched as God gave us a heart for these people. We moved in and began a church in a town that has tried so many times and failed, yet has so very many churches. As we began to move forward in God's will a funny thing happened. People began to catch the vision. The Lord was really showing us that the vision for the church was to reach out to the community and show the love of God. We began to pour into the community and we are watching the amazing result of that. People are coming, excited and challenged to seek God. We were able to get our own building not even a year after the start of the church. God is doing amazing things, yet I was battling internally. You see, I was taking on all of these new roles and opened to new attacks from the enemy, and I was drowning. Drowning in insecurity. Drowning in incapability. Drowning in the fact that I am not worthy to be in this position. I was grabbing on anything I could to prevent me from spiraling down the hole of doubt that was threatening to consume me. This month has been the most difficult. We are spending so much time pouring into the church and less time together as a family. We are being attacked with sickness, stress, and various other things that satan wants to use to cause division. I was reflecting on this when I realized something. It was something that caused me to laugh out loud. I realized that I needed to let go and let God. I needed to stop grabbing the things I felt were secure and grab on to the only One who can give me security. So here, 14 years later, I have finally experienced what it means to let go and let God. It was so wonderful to know that, if I let go of the things I'm holding onto and put both hands tightly around Him, that He would see me through to safety. I am so blessed to be in this season and I know that God is going to do great things here in the city of IB. I want to leave you with this wonderful promise I read out of Jude today. It is verses 20-21: " But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourself in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life". Have a great day in the Lord!

Truth+Love=Joy

This morning, I woke up feeling loved. Loved by my family. Loved by my husband. Even loved by my adorable dog,Coco. Most importantly, I felt loved by my Lord. I felt the cool breeze and saw the beautiful sky and was excited. Not only because I was alive to live another day in Him, but because I knew something exciting: that after 2 days in 1st and 2nd Peter, I was rounding a corner. I was elated because I was aware of what this morning held. It held for me truth and love. It promised to encourage and admonish me. It would be an amazing time and a humbling time. This morning I entered 1st John. It is one of my all-time favorite books in the bible. I knew that I would be reminded of two promises found in God's word. They are the very promises I need to hear, at the very time. I knew it was coming for days and thought about jumping ahead to it, but I knew I was where I was in God's word for a reason and did not want to miss out on what God had for me by rushing to the next book. So I woke up, grabbed my bible and anxiously flipped to 1st John. I was beginning to pray and ask the Lord to speak to me when something happened. My daughter decided to crawl into bed next to me and begin talking about the day. Who can come over? Where are we going? What are we doing? What is (fill in the blank with as many friends as possible) doing? You see, when I am not a pastor's wife, I am a personal assistant, event coordinator, and entertainment guide for my very social 10 year old daughter.(at least this is how SHE sees me). I continued to pray and tried to ignore her when my adorable dog began to boss me into petting her. If you have ever seen this in your dog, you will know what I am talking about. So, I got up and sought solitude and began again. My excitement was even greater now, so I opened my bible. I began to read and didn't make it very far before I had to stop. I was camped in verse 4 of chapter one. A small verse that writes very few words. It simply says this: "And these things we write to you, that your joy may be full". I had to stop because I realized that this entire book was written so that our "joy may be full". I have had the blessing of experiencing much joy in my life. Whether it was my joy or that of someone else, it was definitely a great experience to share in. Joy is defined in the dictionary as "a feeling of great pleasure and happiness" and gives synonyms such as delight, gladness, and rejoicing. That is full just looking at it. Yet God is not giving us His word merely to look at it. He gives it to us so that our joy may be full! He wants us to experience it. To rely upon it and grab a hold of it. To devour it and to apply it. This is where the fullness comes. Many things can make us happy, but few people ever experience true joy. This is why I was so excited to open this book and pour over the contents of the words God has for me through the prophet John. I was reminded of truth: 2:2, 2:25,4:18-19, 5:20. I was enthralled by love: 3:19-22, 4:9-11, 5:3. Read it and you will be blessed! I want to leave you with this verse " We love Him because he first loved us" (4:19) because it ministered to me the most. You see, truth is not optional, but love and joy are. God CHOSE to love us so much that the only way He could close the gap caused by sin was His death. He loved us first. HE loved us first. Doesn't that bring you joy? I am so glad that the ball is in His court, because I am in no way capable of gaining His love or keeping His love. The joy? I am simply allowed to receive it! What an amazing God we serve!

What a Friend We Have in Jesus!

This week I was blessed to see a side of the Lord I was excited to see. I was encouraged by Him, embraced by Him, compelled by Him, but most importantly I needed Him. You see, so often, as the wife of a pastor, we can lose sight that God is our provider and sustains us. We are surrounded by Godliness everywhere and we assume that is the same as being filled with it. I have had the opportunity to watch as God's word ministered to me as well as the excitement of waking up feeling as if I can't get enough of it. I have been a christian for ever and a pastor's wife for most of my marriage. I have seen, experienced, gleaned from, and reflected on God's promises for so long that it is second nature. I am excited because I realize that God is on the throne in my life. Even when I try to push Him off to replace Him with someone or something else, the tough times prove where He sits. I cannot believe that He is so amazing and all He wants is to be my friend. Friendship has always been a hard thing for me. I have a lot of distrust and insecurity from a situation in my teen years, so this basically means no one gets in. I am so blessed to be married to my best friend and to have special people in my life that mean the world to me. However, the most important friend I have is Jesus, the one who died for me. He reached His hand down and extended it to me. He cherishes me and He calls me beautiful. He knows my weakness and faults, yet He sees me through the eyes of a loving Father. AND I am not ashamed to admit I NEED HIM! I need His strength to get me through. I need His love to uphold me. I need His grace to sustain me. I need His peace to consume me. I NEED HIM. I cannot lose sight of that, yet so often I do. I am blessed that my husband is an awesome provider, hard worker, diligent teacher, and loving father. This can often aid in my ability to lose sight of God as my ultimate provider. This weekend I had the privilege of knocking him off of the pedestal I placed him on and putting God back where He belongs. I realized, through a thorough examination of my heart, that the core of it is Jesus, but the foundation had some cracks. They were in need of attention, and I was too busy to do it. I was challenged to address those cracks. I was encouraged to strengthen the foundation. When I looked at God's word, I realized that, in order to continue being a servant of the Lord, I needed to REPAIR REPAIR REPAIR. I had to get my heart right with the Lord and fix the relationship that was in the most need. I needed to spend time with my Friend, so that is what I did. I ran with Him. I cried with Him. I poured out my heart to Him. I sought out His wisdom, I sang with Him, I clung to Him. I was so blessed to be in the presence of Jesus. It is in the times of weakness that He makes us strong. It is through the fire that He refines us. We have only begun to see what God is planning here in the city of Imperial Beach, and I cannot wait to see what God has for us in the future. So many people say 'God never gives you more than you can handle ' but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I am currently witnessing mother in her 30's (who had her husband leave her for another woman) battle stage 4 cancer, find out her brother in law had brain cancer and is given weeks to live, her husband, which she married 1 month before her diagnosis, was found to also have a tumor and they are waiting on the results. Is that really as much as she can handle? I would have to argue with you and say it is unthinkable! I think the statement should more accurately say 'God never gives you any more than He plans on holding you through'. He is so amazing and I can go on forever with that, but I won't. I would like to leave you with this. Psalm 73:25-26. Go read it!